won’t somebody think of the children

Michael Clarke Will Make These Children Paaaaay!

9:27AM Clem Bastow | It’s always nice to hear that Australia’s model bedding cricketing heroes are doing something for the kids – like WeetBix commercials, or cricketing coaching sessions at the local orphanage. Or, if you’re Michael Clarke, charging schoolkids $50 to have a photo taken alongside him. That’s the Aussie sporting spirit, Pup! Except, wait a second, it looks like it’s the school’s bright idea. Even better! A Brisbane Catholic school has some of its flock in a flap after announcing a plan to charge kids $50 to have their photo taken with cricketing star Michael Clarke and his baggy green cap at their fete. Clarke and fiancee Lara Bingle will attend the St Columba’s Primary School fete on August 2 in an appearance agreed upon through his manager Chris White, whose children attend the school. And while pictures of the future Australian skipper without his sacred green cap will be free, a snap of Clarke and the child with the cap on is being sold for $50 – with all money going towards the construction of an outdoor, undercover sporting shelter for the school in Brisbane’s northern suburb of Wilston. Well, that’s kind of disappointing. It would’ve been better if the story had gone along the lines of Clarke charging the children $100 each just to talk to him, while he and Bingle teased them to the point of tears, and then said something like, “F–k this pie stand, let’s go to the Hog’s Breath Cafe” before turning over some fete stalls and riding out of the school on a Harley. A girl can dream, right? More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Won’t Someone Think Of The (Theoretical) Children?

10:34AM Clem Bastow | Despite Her Blake Incarcerated remaining, well, incarcerated for the forseeable future (27 months, to be exact), apparently Amy Winehouse’s biological clock has started ticking (or it could be the egg timer she ate mid-crack-binge, thinking it was a delicious apple, but that’s anyone’s guess). Not only that, but she wants FIVE children with her No Good™ husband. Now that’s a life goal if ever I heard one! In an interview published today Miss Winehouse talked of the couple’s plans for a large family. ‘I want at least five kids,’ she said. ‘I want twins. Blake is gonna be the most amazing dad.’ She said the couple wanted identical twins. But Fielder-Civil will not be released until at least December after admitting beating up a pub landlord and attempting to pervert the course of justice. Incidentally, when I first skimmed the headlines this morning, I misread that piece’s title as “Amy wants five children JAILED WITH Blake”. Which, honestly, is probably just as likely to be true as the real headline is, when you think about it. After all, there was a time when Blake looked as though he feasted on the blood of virgins every full moon, so maybe it’s time for him to start again – and Amy just wants to give him the.gift that keeps on giving! More »

Another Day, Another Child Pornography Scandal!

4:17PM Jess McGuire | Hot on the heels of the recent Art Monthly cover debacle (shame on you, K-Rudd! You made a little girl cry!) I am saddened to report that the seemingly endless and totally tedious Art World versus Moral Australia battle appears to be continuing, and this time Olympic champ Michael Klim is the villain! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS PICTURE, KLIM? THAT’S A NEKKID BEBBEH ON YOUR BARE ADULT CHEST! If you’re as outraged as I am, you can join the Facebook group “Protest Michael Klim’s Child Pornography Photo Shoot”, created by decency watch dog, Triple J breakfast host, and all round cheeky monkey Lindsay “The Doctor” McDougall. While you’re at it, you may like to also sign up to the “Oh DO Fuck Off, Hetty Johnson” collective as well. More »