Jodie Foster really has gotten off exceptionally easy so far in her dizzying, delicate miracle of new love with homewrecking writer/producer Cynthia Mort, with her most significant cash outlays being that always-steep first date and the extravagant "My Condolences" balloon bouquet sent Mort's way after HBO canceled her show Tell Me You Love Me. Foster had fared even better with ex Cydney Bernard, who, after 14 years of cohabitative bliss, spared the Oscar-winner the ugliness of custody squabbles, L Word box-set splits and other public indignities. Her typically low public profile escalated for what felt like mere minutes, soon returning to its subtle, cultivated ebb of lesbian quietude — just the way she likes it.

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For the first time in our country's history, the epicenter of America's commemorative period of fireworks and independence appears to have shifted to Miami. There, we've learned, the intercoital clusterfuck of Madonna, Alex Rodriguez, Lenny Kravitz and Guy Ritchie has reached its nadir with a Rodriguez divorce now officially on the way — freeing the Yankees slugger to (allegedly) pursue whatever pop paramour his heart desires. Except Madonna and Ritchie are still in matrimonial business — literally — and apparently will be for a while.

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If you've looked at the Internet at all this past week, you've probably gleaned that there's something going on with Madonna, Guy Ritchie, A-Rod and, most recently, Lenny Kravitz. A lot has happened in a very short time and, quite possibly, many of you haven't been able to keep up. But don't feel ashamed, that's what we're here for! Just read our handy dandy guide to the action after the jump and you'll have plenty to talk about at your 4th of July BBQ.

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Let there be no mistaking it—the National Enquirer owns the story of the disintegration of Jodie Foster's 14-year lesbian relationship to her beautiful Cydney. Now, their unprecedented access to the Rubyfruit Mafia's high-ranking Donettes gives us yet another shocking exclusive: Foster has parked her U-Haul outside the home of Cindy Mort, the creator of HBO's stunt-cock popularizing, prosthesis-core drama Tell Me You Love Me. From their report:

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Really, when it comes to reality/celebreality television, the Brits have it sewn up. Sure, America gave us Kid Town and So You Think You Can Dance, but our UK pals know just how to push the formula that little bit further.

Not only that, but we're pretty sure the latest thing they've cooked up makes I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! look like the test pattern.

To wit, Channel 4's Celebrity Wife Swap:

Comedian Freddie Starr loses a wife and gains lesbian former Page 3 pin-up Samantha Fox in Channel 4's reality show Wife Swap.

The veteran comic is taking part in the celebrity version of the show, which typically sees partners swap their wives or husbands with another participating couple.

And in this version, Starr welcomes the 80s model and singer into his home as she swaps places with his wife Donna, who goes to live with Sam's gay lover and manager Myra Stratton.

In any case, this is sheer genius and we can't wait to see it.

Not everything in the bold sociological experiment known as Wife Swap always goes smoothly: Take for example last night's arranged-marriage lab rats, Patrick (according to his name tag) and temporary spouse, uh, Sasquatch--she of the man-hands and unrealistic household-cleanliness goals. Frankly, we don't know who Sasquatch thinks she is, waltzing into Patrick's perfectly lovely, catshit-laden home and demeanoring him by insisting he dispose of the feline feces.

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