whoops matron

Plumbers Do It Deeper; Also Love Keira Knightley

12:18PM Clem Bastow | The Daily Mail today are running one of those “they ain’t ‘alf orright, them celebs” style pieces where they interview ‘the work’ to get the inside scoop on what it’s like creating corsetry for Mariah Carey or working as a PA to Pete Burns, and so on and so forth. Most of them involve reminiscences of the “She was very nice”/”He was a nightmare” variety and are as such interchangeable with most other features on the same topic. We were, however, quite taken with the excerpt from Devon plumber Steve Pickton, who was pleased to find himself on an emergency call to a lady who looked quite familiar: “Cor, she looks just like Keira Knightley!” I thought to myself as the woman who’d called herself Mrs Stewart when she called me out opened the front door. A few hours later, I told her I thought she looked just like the famous actress and she told me: “Yes, I am Keira Knightley.” During the week I worked at her house, I saw Keira in her floral nightie and without any make-up, but she was still very pretty. I also saw her eat plenty of things like soup and sandwiches. Soup and sandwiches! Steve goes on and describes Knightley as a “darling” and just makes us like her even more. Keira “Mrs Stewart” Knightley, flat-chested girls and the plumbers of the world salute you! And if that isn’t true success, we don’t know what is. More »

Sting Puts On The Red Light

10:45AM Clem Bastow | Tantric sex practitioner and originator of one of our favourite Q Magazine quotes of all time (”I’m ugly but I’m still sexy”) Sting has been spotted apparently visiting one of Hamburg’s biggest brothels, which bills itself as a strip joint. Straight after performing at the HSVArena in Hamburg, the 55-year- old singer jumped into a silver SUV flanked by two bodyguards and headed into town. As it turned out he clearly had relaxation on his mind. The Relax bordello prides itself on being one of the city’s most luxurious. Apart from indulging in the salacious gossip we know and love them for, we were particularly delighted with this little bit of extra “colour and movement” that the Mail added to the story: Magnums of Dom Perignon can be served in the whirlpool or “steamy sauna” or indeed poured over the breasts of young models (if pictures on the club’s website are anything to go by). The corker, though, is Sting’s publicist’s shrugging reaction to the whole kerfuffle: “Sting and his wife Trudie Styler have always been open about their interest in strip clubs.” Right, that clears all that up, then! More »