Here at Defamer, we usually announce the latest Hollywood projects in our trade round-up, but today's Variety included mention of an upcoming project that was so balls-out bizarre, we knew it needed special attention. According to the industry bible, Wanted helmer Timur Bekmambetov is prepping an adaptation of Herman Meville's Moby Dick. Naturally, as befits a project of this sort of literary stature, he has brought aboard writers Adam Cooper and Bill Collage (who previously scripted the Justin Long comedy Accepted) to draft the screenplay. Says Variety:

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Busy accepting Bollywood paychecks, offering tank rides to children, and occasionally running the state of Colly-fornia, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has somehow carved time into his schedule to screen footage from the upcoming, unessential McG sequel Terminator: Salvation, starring Christian Bale as John Connor (and virtual unknown Sam Worthington as an amnesiac maybe-Terminator). So, does he give the new film a molten steel-dipped "thumbs up"? According to the LAT, not so much:

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Excellent news to report for anyone who still thinks Angelina Jolie is perfection incarnate, in spite of that silly husband-stealing fiasco, heroin tape, Billy Bob phase, Life Or Something Like It and...well, there are probably a few of you left! According to Us, the conception of the Chosen Two was quite literally chosen to arrive at a specific point in Brangelina's magical life. A source tells the weekly that the "impatient" soccer team managers didn't rely on Brad's super-sperm or Jolie's scream-filled bedroom style to spontaneously produce Knox and Viv. Rather, the no-longer-immortal duo paid a hefty sum for in vitro treatments to speed up their plan to "have 10 kids...while [they're] young." But their goal may not work out quite as planned. Reports that Angelina is being forced into joining the trendy rapid weight loss/gain club for her next role may cause a serious delay in recruiting new Jolie-Pitts for quite some time.

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· The Bachelorette producers must hate DeAnna Pappas. That's the only reason we can come up for airing this gag reel that reveals her softer belching and English-butchering sides. [The Bachelorette]
· Goldenfiddle compiles some of the best Wanted bad reviews into one hilariously satisfying read. [Goldenfiddle]
· This wound itself around the internets late last week—Jezebel ran a full transcript—but in case you haven't yet heard it, we now proudly present: The Douchiest Phone Message In History. (By the way, we have the perfect backup-Olga for you, Dmitri: DeAnna! She's Greek, too!) [Holytaco]
· The familiar punim of Rastajewian superstar Rogen graces the new Pineapple Express one-sheets. [TrailerAddict.com]
· And finally, we turn to the only man who can properly assess the Bear Freaking A Tree video currently eating the web alive: Defamer editor-at-large, Mark Lisanti. "Oh, my naive little friend: Clearly, once properly aroused by massaging his back on the tree, he's unleashing the full fury of his engorged bearcock on a quivering knothole. Sure, the splinters are a bitch, but such is the price of ursine erotic satsifaction." [Lisanti Quarterly]

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If you emerged from Saturday's city-wide, Paps vs. Surfs caste riots with two or more limbs (and both flip-flops) intact, consider yourselves one of the lucky ones: It was a massacre out there, folks. Slow the bleeding with the box office numbers from this robust, bullet-bending moviegoing weekend:

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Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your handy cheat sheet to the best and worst of this weekend at the movies. Not that a new Pixar film requires much tire-kicking ahead of time, or that we haven't already spilled our guts about its gloriously confectionery pop-trash competition, or that last weekend's biggest disappointment wasn't assured to hemorrhage more money in week two. But! You shouldn't attempt to get by without our underdog pick or a typically scintillating scan of the latest DVD releases. As always, our predictions are not only our own, but also the very soul of precision. You can thank us later!

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We've already heard enough stars insisting that those sex scenes we find either major turn-ons (Mickey Rourke force-feeding Kim Basinger strawberries on the kitchen floor in 9 1/2 Weeks) or majorly eye-scarring (Heather Graham faking her way through grainy limo thrusts in Boogie Nights) are totally perfunctory while filming. With the massive crew surrounding them, the sudden lighting checks, and simple fact that they've gotta feign spontaneous heat take after take, we've leaned towards taking their word for it. And as it turns out, no matter how big the star or legendary their prowess in the bedroom, even simple kissing scenes with the most gorgeous A-listers around range from "awkward and sweaty" to "slightly icky and sort of wet." Where Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio and more rank on the list of Worst On-Screen Kissers after the jump.

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We'll take any opportunity we can get for a furlough from our shackles at Defamer HQ, so off we go to the Los Angeles Film Festival, which opens tonight with the world premiere of Angelina Jolie's emaciated-assassin actioner Wanted. Maybe not the gritty, funded-by-credit-cards entry you'd expect from fest organizers Film Independent, but that's what the rest of the event is for; running until June 29, this year's LAFF is enticing enough for us to call in sick at least a few days, maybe even all of next week.

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· Dana Carvey. 100 voices. One ten minute Tonight Show interview. And none are the Church Lady. The mind reels. [Tonight Show]
· Now that's romance—Siegfried brought Roy a bouquet of tiger cubs to cheer him up! [AP]
· Ain't no party like a teenage boy/38-year-old-woman shower orgy 'cause a teenage boy/38-year-old-woman shower orgy don't stop! [TSG]
·That "office freakout" YouTube video was just viral marketing for Wanted. We should have figured that out when the guy throwing the computer monitors around paused to draw a tattoo on the sexy part of his co-worker's back. [Wired]
·"Dr. Drew meant no harm to Mr. Cruise and apologizes if his comments were hurtful," Pinsky's rep said in a statement. We'll get to the bottom of this when we talk to Dr. Drew on his radio show tomorrow at 12:40 p.m. PST—1260 on your AM dial! [People]

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Now for a long-overdue Angelina TattooWatch update: With whispers of a twins pregnancy, Jolie's lower-belly tattoo will likely be exposed to more distention than ever, requiring perhaps a lengthening of its current sacred text. (May we suggest, "Aniston! Pregnant me again--only this time it's twins! :D" surrounded by a Chinese fertility dragon?) Meanwhile, we defy you to differentiate the real back tattoos from the temporary ones added for her role as Fox, the assassin with a soft spot for semiautomatic artillery and adorable Third World orphans, in the upcoming Wanted. [Daily Mail]

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