Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your bulletproof one-stop resource for the weekend in new moviegoing. Or sort of bulletproof — Pineapple Express burned us last week with a late slowdown, but we're preparing to bet the farm on The Dark Knight's fall from box-office supremacy by Sunday night. But is what's replacing it even any good? Yes and no, but we'll get to that, as we will with this week's best release off the beaten path and a look-see at new DVD releases for the tired, cheap and/or agoraphobic among us. As always, our opinions are our own, but as long they're right, what's to argue?

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Talk about your viral websites: in an apparent bid to piggyback off the infamous menage a trois in the upcoming Scarlett Johansson film Vicky Cristina Barcelona, scarlettjohansson.com is offering two lucky readers to join the starlet in what is being advertised as a "smoking-hot threesome." While the site's heavy reliance on capital letters and free downloads from Font Freak leads us to believe that it's operating without Johansson's official consent, we'll excerpt its breathless offer and let you be the judge:

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Que lastima! Has the Johansson-on-Cruz-on Bardem threesome from Vicky Cristina Barcelona been excised? Well, no, although that didn't stop New York's Vulture reporters from declaring, "As die-hard Allen fans who'd love to see one of his movies turn a profit for once, we're sad to report that all threesomes are implied and happen strictly off-camera," which spurred a distraught Gawker to post "Vicky Cristina Barcelona's Big Three-Way Lie."

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Only a few days remain before Cannes ends and we can roll our bleary eyes from the backs of our heads. In the meantime, the rubbernecker in us can't help but take an interest in Spike Lee's latest sortie against the Hollywood establishment — this time as personified by Cannes darling Clint Eastwood, whom Lee railed against while promoting his upcoming Afro-centric World War II drama Miracle at St. Anna:

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While Indiana Jones and the Can Someone Please Tell Me What the Fuck Just Happened? was the most sought-after ticket at Cannes, it was another prostate-enlarged cinematic icon's comeback—that of Woody Allen—that would prove the festival's most triumphant. His new Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which features Javier Bardem ravaging any number of comely lasses and at least one Penelope Cruz-on-Scarlett Johansson kiss, was greeted with a ten-minute standing ovation after its Saturday screening. Director and cast were on hand to soak in the glory—but not Johansson, whom the Daily Mail reports made life a living hell for the put-upon studio workers just trying to get a little Côte d'Azur photo-op action going:

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First things first: Yes, the accompanying new teaser for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona, features about two seconds of Penélope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson kissing. Everyone else is kissing as well: Cruz on Javier Bardem, Bardem on Johansson, so on, so forth. It's apparently the only thing happening in the film, as no sound emerges from peoples mouths when they speak, and no discernible plot line emerges in a minute and a half. We won't spoil the ending, but... Actually we will spoil the ending: Cruz fires a gun at you, the viewer. And as you try to position your head in front of the bullet, you've never felt more grateful. Thanks again for nothing, Weinstein Company. [YouTube]

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Defamer has learned that the Weinstein Company operative who months ago positioned Vicky Cristina Barcelona's three-way Scarlett Johansson/Penélope Cruz/Javier Bardem sex scene as "an extremely erotic" screen tryst that will "leave the audience gasping" was not likely the same representative who hooked director Woody Allen up this week with Entertainment Weekly. In a blurb featured in EW's new summer movie preview, the filmmaker dashed a million hormonal panics by tiredly setting the record straight:

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