We've been anticipating last night's Celebrity Rehab 2 premiere for some time now—we'd been pestering the good Dr. Drew Pinsky himself about it as far back as June when taping had just begun, and as recently as Wednesday had excitedly teased an entertaining scene featuring Gary Busey unpacking a Samsonite case full of spare change, hair highlighter, and coke-flecked dog fur. We wanted to wait to watch the full opener in all its self-destructive glory on TV, however, which we did. It didn't take long before we were clutching our knees to our chest, rocking back and forth, and repeating, "Why? Oh God, why?" We run down for you now the five most heart-sinkingly awful moments:

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Fans of Celebrity Rehab's first season will recall it featured several breakout recoveries, including those of failed hip-hop superduo Vikki & Kenickie, as well as the addictionless Joanie "Chyna" Laurer, who right up until CR commencement exercises refused to reveal the enigmatic circumstances that led her into the program. Tomorrow night, the second season premieres on VH1, but a preview already posted online suggests that Gary Busey—who's made it clear his involvement is strictly as mystical, recovering-coke-fiend mahatma to the other patients—could wind up contributing more story-editor-nip drama to the proceedings than spiritual guidance.

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Sure, reality star Brooke Hogan doesn't know who Sarah Palin is (or the identity of our current vice president, for that matter), but it's only because she's been working so hard! After all, who has time to brush up on politics when you're busy taking striptease classes with your mother? Yes, on last night's episode of Brooke Knows Best, Brooke decides that a pole-dancing lesson will be just the thing she needs for a workout, and she decides to bring mother Linda along, too. Showing off the moves that would eventually bag Linda a nineteen-year-old boyfriend and strain her relations with Brooke, the cougar supremo humps the pole and floor in an unnerving mother/daughter celebration of post-postmodern female empowerment, disguised as a workout routine at Crunch. We can't wait until a very special Christmas episode of Brooke Knows Best, when Linda returns the favour and gifts Brooke with a coupon for pairs' Kegel exercises at the downtown Miami Y [VH1]

· You know how everyone used to complain that Britney Spears lip-synced her way through all of her concerts? Well, after seeing this video that isolates Britney's vocals during her "Live From Las Vegas" show, we're pretty sure you'll be thankful that backing tracks exist. [Funny Or Die via Buzzfeed]
· We know that we're supposed to bow at the feet of Radiohead because, well, everyone bows at the feet of Radiohead. But we can't help but concur with Hold Steady guitarist Tad Kubler's recent comments about the band: "I think they've lost the plot. I like them as a rock band, all the buttons and sequencing and stuff like that I don't really care for. I'm a fan of rock music, and what they're doing now I don't think is very good." [Vulture]
· We've been thinking a lot about Sharon Stone ever since we revealed her new twentysomething boyfriend yesterday. While her film career is stalled, we think we spotted a reality show opportunity that would be a perfect fit for her brand of crazy: Vh1's Cougar Camp. [NY Post]
· This headline has us thankful all of the film critics haven't been killed off yet: "Hamlet 2: The First One Was Better." [Time]
· Most of our favourite movies of the '80s require a healthy suspension of disbelief to enjoy. Teen Wolf was one of those films. But now, thanks to the comedy troupe Summer Of Tears, we're not sure we're ever going to be able to watch it again without contemplating how none of the characters raised an eyebrow when the bestiality angle came into play. [/Film]

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Pity poor New York — the downmarket reality-TV star, not the city — whose efforts to establish a legitimate acting career have found little yield thus far on New York Goes to Hollywood. Her painful, futile first-episode audition long behind her, the Flavor of Love/ I Love New York alumna (a/k/a Tiffany Pollard) moved on to a potentially huge commercial break last night only to melt down over a faulty prop. But as our mothers always reminded us: If it stings, that means it's healing, and her director's violent jump to her defence spurs a violent Japanese-language brawl suggesting New York may yet have a place at the table in Hollywood. Just not the craft-services table, which — SPOILER ALERT — sadly fares worst of all. Oh well — there's always Episode 4. [VH1]

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Sometimes we don't know whether to thank VH1 for trying to "find true love" for washed up musicians or to strangle them for forcing us through yet another round of Bret Michaels: Rock Of Love (working title: Rock Of Love: Really, I'll Do Anyone At This Point). Yes, that sad series partially responsible for rendering all glass ceilings unbreakable is back and, this time, well, no, he's probably still not serious. Why so cynical? Well, his last "winner," 99-year old Chicago anchor chick Ambre Lake, lasted just under a day. But she did get the chance to really pimp her MySpace profile with dirty pics, exclamation mark-happy updates on Bret's CW appearances (!!!), and a heartfelt blog entry promising the "3rd time will be a charm!!!" Yes, spelling-challenged Ambre, we bet it will. You know, because this time, all the barely clothed contestants will be forced to live in...wait for it...the same tightly confined tour bus! If you don't smell love in the air, you've been dipping in to too many of these "ladies"' stashes:

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It's always fun when a Shiny Happy People show like Full House, The Partridge Family or The Brady Bunch is unveiled as a breeding ground for future meth addicts, domestic abusers, and on-screen mother/son duos still bitchily feuding decades after their stars have burnt out. And the Brady cast is by far the most over-achieving bunch of fuck-ups to efficiently destroy any warm and fuzzy associations we may have had with that humorless bundle of 70s saccharine. Following Jan and Marsha's fictional sibling rivalry leading to a non-fictional lesbian porn, little Cindy Brady showed up to a radio interview last week reeking of vintage wine and memories, excusing herself to vomit during commercial breaks. And now, reality trainwreck Christopher "Peter" Knight has taken down the last remaining beacon of Brady light, Florence Henderson, by involving the (until now) scandal-free actress in a messy online war of words:

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In a summer that's been largely bereft of tantalising television moments (The Two Coreys notwithstanding), the premiere of Vh1's I Love Money has been shining like a beacon of bad taste on our horizons for some time. Conceived as the network's version of the now stagnant Real World / Road Rules Challenge franchise, I Love Money puts some of our favourite former contestants of dating shows like Flavor Of Love and I Love New York together in a villa to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real ... real drunk, that is. The show's first episode aired as a 90-minute special last night and, as expected, it blew our collective minds in the way it unabashedly celebrates the lowest of lowbrow culture.

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If you, like us, couldn't get enough of Celebrity Rehab—VH1's groundbreaking reality show born when it suddenly occurred to producers witnessing Brigitte Nielsen's umpteenth Strange Love blackout, "Hey—wait a second. Maybe we should get that woman some help...and film the entire thing!"—then you'll be thrilled to hear that the second batch of marginally famous in-patients are currently under Dr. Drew's care. Among this season's cast, the lovably problematic Jeff Conaway returns for another attempt at detox—and where Jeff goes, so too goes his demon-enabling succubus girlfriend Vicki. But there will be a whole slew of new faces, too, including—Higher-Power be with them—astonishingly sober life-coach, Gary Busey. From the press release:

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While the Michael Hirschorn era at Vh1 will likely be best remembered for bringing pop culture talking heads (I Love The..., Best Week Ever), washed-up celebs (Surreal Life) and horny musicians (Flavor Of Love, Rock Of Love) into millions of homes, there is one program from his tenure that was just as critically acclaimed as it was popular. Back in the summer of 2006, a four-part documentary called The Drug Years aired to rave reviews — Variety called it a "fascinating insight into the growth of the counterculture and ... its eventual hangover" — and arguably became the first series in the channel's history that was equally appealing to pop culture enthusiasts and intellectuals. Now, after nearly two years worth of research and production, the same creative team that put The Drug Years together has returned with a brand new four-part doc entitled Sex: The Revolution. Defamer recently sat down with series writer Martin Torgoff and executive producer Brad Abramson to talk about the series that, as Torgoff explains, puts its focus on "how the sexual revolution fed into the dynamic of what became the Culture Wars in the United States."

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