unauthorised biographies

Is Eddie About To Be Boned By Tell-All Tome?

1:15PM Clem Bastow | Eddie McGuire is said to be sweating as he – and seemingly all Australians with the ability to read, if you believe News Ltd – nervously awaits an unauthorised biography being penned by a former Channel Nine staffer. Just what is in said book? Buggered if we know what, since it seems no one is the wiser other than to say it will cast more light on Eddie’s love of “boning” than ever before. In what is expected to be one of the most highly-anticipated releases of 2008, it can be revealed former Nine reporter and personality Patrick Lindsay is well under way writing the McGuire story. The game show host is understood to be “nervously” co-operating with the author, who has previously penned biographies on General Peter Cosgrove and triathlete Greg Welch. …On the back of Gerald Stone’s devastating tome, Who Killed Channel 9, this book, which will almost certainly dig up his troubled time as CEO and that “boning” comment, is poised to be yet another headache for Nine and McGuire. Poor Eddie; we’re sure that behind that maniacal grin there lurks the tears of a clown. He probably goes home every night to his well-loved stuffed magpie toy, Bony, and has a good cry about it all. We, however, just want to know if the book will shed some more light on this photo from 2005: Lock in that final round of flaming Sambuca shots, Eddie! More »

Scientologists Do Not Have Tapes Of Tom Making Nicole Call Him “Xenu” While Wearing Conor’s Baseball Uniform

10:30AM Clem Bastow | We’re sure everyone got excited by Andrew Morton’s claims – in his new Tom Cruise biography, which, it need not be said, is well and truly unauthorised (our favourite kind) – that the Scientologists keep an extensive library of tapes containing debriefings about their charges’ sex lives, since it would mean we’d finally know the alieny truth about Tom and Nicole’s marriage. Sadly for everyone, The Church Of Scientology has put paid to the claims, so we’ll just have to wait until that private investigator we all chipped $5 in for someone else purges those skeletons from the closet of the former Kidman-Cruises. “It’s all lies and it’s completely gross to even suggest it,” said the Australian head of the church, Vicki Dunstan, in defending Scientology’s highest-profile recruit. Celebrity muckraker Andrew Morton’s explosive new book on Cruise claims the church taped Kidman’s final “audit” session, which focused on her sex life with Cruise. Morton’s book claims Kidman feared details of the tape would be leaked if she spoke against the church after the couple’s 10-year relationship ended in January 2001. While both Kidman, in Sydney with second husband Keith Urban, and Cruise have not commented, the Church of Scientology came out fighting yesterday. Audit sessions were not taped, said Ms Dunstan, a minister of the church, which has 140,000 members in Australia, including businessman James Packer and singer Kate Cerebrano. An “audit” is akin to a Catholic confessional. Similar to Catholic confession? If you consider “Jesus” to be just another name for an alien warlord who likes to make moon bases underneath volcanos. But hang on – just because the audits weren’t taped, doesn’t mean they didn’t contain some juicy deets! Someone needs to kidnap that particular auditor and give them some hardcore hypnotherapy. Remember… Reeemeeeemmmberrrr… More »