umm ahh
He Doesn’t Look Very Sick, Does He?
9:30AM Clem Bastow | As you may recall, Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond, Jr. pulled out of his solo Australian visit just the other day, citing a “severe throat infection” that had rendered him mute. Unlike most “we’re too sick to visit” tour cancellations, one would imagine that Hammond, Jr. was telling the truth – but the British tabloids perhaps tell another tale!
The lanky guitarist and singer was yesterday spotted out and about with his GF, model Agyness Deyn, and they don’t seem to be using sign language, if you know what I mean!
Here’s hoping what’s really happening in that photo is Agyness staring off into the middle distance and wishing he’d stayed in bed rather than valiantly trying to walk the dog with her, while Albert tries to croak out a few words – we like him too much for this to be another “But the plane trip is too loooong!” cases for an Australian tour no-show.
More » 
Sbs Too Sexy For This Classification? That’s Unpossible!
4:36PM Clem Bastow | It’s safe to say that “watching movies on SBS to be culturally enlightened” is more or less the “I read Playboy for the articles” of the late-20th/early-21st Century. If it’s got bonking, sucking, fingering, jizzing, faffing or rutting, so long as it’s delivered either a) in another language, b) in an arty manner, or c) all of the above, SBS want to show it to YOU!
Unfortunately, it seems the Australian Communications and Media Authority tuned in the one night when a Japanese schoolgirl wasn’t getting made an honest woman by a tentacle monster, and instead chose to check out the rather thoughtful and low-key documentary, Obscene Machines, which aired last year (with a rating of MA15+) – and they have a few things to discuss with SBS at dinner tonight, young man/lady!
The documentary focused on how technology is used to spice up sex lives, including items such as robotic sex machines and vaguely life-like dolls.
ACMA noted two segments that breached broadcasting rules and were unsuitable for screening in the MA15+ category.
One two-and-a-half-minute segment featured close-up shots of a naked woman apparently being penetrated by a mechanical dildo; the other focused on an elderly man’s use of a life-like sex doll called Emma, modelled on his 18-year-old ex-wife.
ACMA rejected SBS’s argument that a large proportion of the program dealt with the sexual activities of the old and disabled and was informational.
“ACMA considers that the treatment of the subject matter in Obscene Machines is adult in nature and is therefore unsuitable for ordinary 15-year-old audience members,” it said in its report.
We also watched Obscene Machines when it screened last year, and the only part we’d vaguely agree with the ACMA on is that the old dude with the barely-legal-looking Real Doll was a bit of a creep.
The rest of it was actually quite wonderful, particularly the stuff about the disabled employing “bot sex” (i.e., with ‘robots’, not up the back door) to rediscover their sexuality, so it’s a shame the ACMA have to get all hot under the collar about this in particular.
People who like to have sexy with Johnny 5 are people too, ACMA! More » 
Jules Lund Delights Austereo And Listeners With Hilarious Tale Of Drink Spiking
1:59PM Clem Bastow | We’ve always thought Jules Lund to be a fine, upstanding young man.
There’s just something about that slightly hysterical laughter, boys’ room jokes and forced, cheesy smile (not to mention the tan) that just screams “Mr Smith, I have nothing but good intentions for your daughter – also, I bought your wife this kitten. Now, where are those ducklings that need to be nursed back to safety?”
Well, he’s been given a talking-to from Austereo after telling – on-air – the hilarious story about how he spiked a groom-to-be’s drink at a bucks’ night.
What a champeen! Lundy, maaaate!
On Monday, the Getaway reporter told of his brother’s weekend buck’s turn in Melbourne, which involved dressing the groom-to-be in a tight Superman outfit before his drink was spiked with Viagra by a member of the party.
Listeners of national breakfast radio show Summer Fling then heard how a scantily dressed woman entertained the group and the buck apparently suffered from the Viagra effects.
Australian National Council on Drugs executive officer Gino Vumbaca warned the prank could have had disastrous consequences.
“No one wants to be the fun police, but the fact remains that Viagra and other pharmaceutical drugs can have very serious side effects and can interact with other drugs,” he said.
You know what would have been really hilarious? If the groom had suddenly been overcome with the desire to bum Jules. Or if he’d had a heart attack! That would’ve been so funny, can’t you just imagine Jules cracking up as he attempts to tell the bride-to-be that her husband died while dicking a stripper?
Jules Lund for media personality of the year! More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: On A Slow News Day, Alison Moyet Shames Us All
12:09PM Clem Bastow | There’s not much genuine Winegums news to report today, other than that she attended a doctor’s appointment and has been advised to re-enter rehab.
So, at times like this, the press turn to peers and predecessors to provide the quotes – and hasn’t UK chanteuse Alison Moyet come up with a doozy.
We’d be heading to bed with no pudding if Alison had anything to do with it.
Aged 46, and with over 25 years in the music business, Moyet said she would not want to be in her 20s again, or step into Winehouse’s shoes.
“I was a miserable, neurotic soul in my 20s. Now I am still happily married, I’ve the kids and I’m healthy – I’m very content.
“There has always been a drug scene in the business. I can’t deny I took drugs, but in those days we put it under the carpet. If you were found out, that was the end of your career.
“But now it’s seen as cause for celebration, and the press has been joyous about what’s happening to Amy Winehouse.
“They don’t want it to stop, or they would have nothing salacious to write about.”
You’ll forgive us while we go sit in the corner and hang our heads in shame while we think about what we’ve done.
We’re sorry, Alison. Please don’t hurt us. More » 