uk tabloids
More Highlights From The Kerry Katona V Sue Katona Prizefight
11:32AM Clem Bastow | They just don’t make celebrity family feuds like they do in the UK!
Kerry Katona’s mother recently hit the headlines when it was announced to have signed a six-figure book deal to tell family secrets like, er, the time she tried to seduce Kerry’s ex-husband Brian “Potato” McFadden.
Well, unsurprisingly, now it’s Chipshop’s time to fight back at Mommy Dearest! Anyone want some of this mega bucket of popcorn?
Kerry told Heat magazine: ‘I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if she did. I’d be more surprised if she hadn’t slept with him [McFadden].
‘She did sleep with one of my boyfriends while I was going out with him.’
The former Atomic Kitten singer also admitted in the interview with the magazine that in the past she had considered ending all her troubles, by committing suicide.
[...]
She added: ‘I’ve watched my mum over the years, trying to kill herself countless times, and to me it’s a coward’s way out and it made me feel unloved and unworthy.
‘So I could never dream of doing that to my children.’
Wow, how much dirtier can this fight get? It’s like they’re ex-BFFs, not mother and daughter.
Can we get a quote on how much it would cost to FedEx a gilt-framed print of Philip Larkin’s This Be The Verse to both Katona women, post haste? More » 
Your Understated Uk Tabloid Headline Of The Day
10:25AM Clem Bastow | It’s no secret to anyone – or at least, it shouldn’t be – that no one does ridiculous “human interest” stories like the UK papers do. From stories of electrocution and alien abduction to classics of the “Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster” ilk, nobody does it better.
So, I was pleased this morning while doing my daily Winegums/etc trawl to come across this subtle little pull on the front page of the Daily Mail:
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Seriously, is this news to them? Anyone who knows anyone who farms sheep will tell you that ravens and crows aren’t the nicest birds to have around when the ewes are lambing, still, we commend the Mail on their calm and measured journalism.
Hands up who reckons that the granddaddy of the Daily Mail heard Orson Welles’ The War Of The Worlds broadcast and thought, “Now that’s what I call journalism!” before rushing to the presses to get started? More » 
A Pleasant Mental Image For Your Afternoon: Kerry Packer And Heather Mills, Sitting In A Tree…!
1:31PM Clem Bastow | Just when you thought you’d heard the last of Heather Mills, she’s baaaack, and bringing with her possibly the most gruesome alleged twosome we’ve ever had the displeasure of imagining: new reports suggests that the late Kerry Packer was Mills’ “sugar daddy“!
A new documentary outs Kerry Packer as a “sugar daddy” of Heather Mills when the ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney was working as a high-class call girl, according to London’s Daily Mail.
Denise Hewitt, who says she worked as a £10,000 escort with Ms Mills in the Eighties, makes the claims in a program to be aired on the UK’s Channel 4.
Ms Hewitt, 44, is quoted as saying: “We went into high-class prostitution behind closed doors and nobody knew about it…[billionaire arms dealer Adnan] Kashoggi, Kerry Packer and one of the Royal princes of Saudi, they were the big fish and there were a couple of others that were classed as Heather’s sugar daddies.
Lordy, we don’t know what to think – after all, the British press has been at pains to paint Mills as a psychotic, money-grubbing sex maniac for some time now, so it could well be malarkey. But as far as the mental image of Kerry and Heather rutting it out on a bed of money, let us be the first to say:
And that will be the last we say on the matter! More » 
Kerry Katona’s Little Bundle Of Joy
12:30PM Clem Bastow | We know it’s neither big nor clever to laugh at babies, but when we saw this little blurb and pic linking to the news of Kerry Katona’s new bub, we had to stifle more than a few laffs:
“Already bearing some resemblance to his mother”? Is it just us, or is The Daily Mail being a bit cheeky?
It is, shall we say, not the loveliest bit of footage of a newborn we’ve ever seen – and, oh, wouldn’t you know it, it was all caught on camera for Kerry’s fly-on-the-wall MTV series. Happy days! More » It’s Confirmed: Humanity Is Doomed
3:27PM Clem Bastow | You know, on the topic of humanity’s slow and steady downfall, most people would point to things like overpopulation, recession, rising rates of arcane sexually-transmitted diseases, the brain drain, or maybe the fact that the Third World is still hungry and sick with illnesses that should’ve been magicked away years ago.
We here at Defamer Australia, however, believe the evidence will be found here:
Given the unstoppable rise of text language, it was only a matter of time before children’s names went the way of traditional English.
Sure enough, text-style versions have begun to appear on birth certificates. Anne has been changed to An, Connor to Conna and Laura to Lora. Six boys were named Cam’ron instead of Cameron. According to the online parenting club Bounty, one girl born last month was named Flicity. And there are numerous young chaps named Samiul.
Last year, a couple were told they would not be allowed to register their son’s name as 4Real.
Officials in New Zealand ruled that the use of a number made it inappropriate, so Pat and Sheena Wheaton had to opt for their second choice – Superman.
“Conna”? “An”? “FLICITY”?!
Please, if there is a God, could s/he start instigating some sort of anti-dickhead gene, so that as soon as a human being thinks, “You know what? These yellow sunglasses are the bomb shit, let’s have a party!” or “Hey, girlfriend, could you have a close look at this broken wine glass for me?“, they explode into a fine, bloody mist.
If not god, then Michael Bay. Which is near enough. More » 
Nigella “Secretly” Seeing Personal Trainer; We “Secretly” Think This Is A Load Of Arse
3:04PM Clem Bastow | We told you recently that the Food Network in America were apparently horrified by the size of TV chef Nigella Lawson’s behind (like a horse’s, apparently); much groaning ensued.
Well, the seemingly irrelevant “news” of her weight gain continues to inspire rabid editorial, as the Daily Mail has reported that Lawson is apparently so mortified at putting on weight that she is seeing a personal trainer in a clandestine manner more suited to secret drug drop-offs than exercise, one would think.
The domestic goddess, who admits to a weakness for calorific treats, has embarked on an intense exercise regime in a bid to lose weight.
Says a chum: “Nigella has been secretly meeting a personal trainer to do an aerobic work-out session tailored to help her get back into shape.”
Is that so, “chum”?
The problem seems to be this: Nigella Lawson is and has always been referred to as “sexy” or “hot”. Current media/celebrity theory also tells us that to be hot, one has to be slim. You can be “ugly” and fat, or maybe even “funny” and fat, but you can’t be sexy and “corpulent” (thanks, odious Age editorial).
This whole thing makes us feel more ill than we would if we ate one of Lawson’s cream and butter stuffed honey baked ham lard sandwiches deep fried in chocolate – honestly, WHO CARES what size she is. Who cares what size anyone is! She’s a chef for crine-outloud! More » 
Chipshop Tires Of Smoking, Drinking While Pregnant, Goes To Rehab
10:40AM Clem Bastow | Well! We were going to tell you about Kerry Katona laughably needing to get hypnotherapy to quit smoking (she’s pregnant, but evidently the thought that her bub might come out deformed or ill wasn’t enough of an incentive to give up the cancer sticks), but she’s gone and one-upped herself.
Kerry Katona has entered The Priory!
The Priory, for those who don’t know, is essentially the UK’s Betty Ford or Promises, and finds a lot of its more famous patients in attendance for “emotional exhaustion”. However, in Chipshop’s case, that seems to be spot on:
The pregnant mother-of-three fell to pieces after learning about her husband’s alleged affair with a barmaid and more reports of her doing drugs.
Currently being treated in the Priory, Kerry is said to be “severely emotional and depressed” which has forced MTV to temporarily halt filming at the stars home.
Poor Kerry. As much as she’s fun to point and laugh at, and as much as she can be a complete and utter nong (smoking/drinking/drugging while pregnant, marrying Brian McFadden, leaving Atomic Kitten), we get the feeling that underneath it all she’s just an uncomplicated lass from the wrong end of town who somehow got “lucky”.
We trust she’ll be back and entertaining us all soon! More » 
Fear Not, Men Of The World: Celine Dion Has Waxed!
10:25AM Clem Bastow | Lordy… Remember the kerfuffle that blew up because Celine Dion dared to go onstage without submitting her body to a full hair removal session?
Well, you’ll be “pleased” to know that she has capitulated to the gaze and made sure all that “unsightly” hair on her thighs is gone, daddy, gone.
Now if she could just work on Third World poverty and maybe a cure for cancer, that would be ace. There’s a pet.
Celine appeared to have taken care of all her grooming details, including waxing her thighs.
And there was no repeat of the furry incident as the smooth-skinned French-Canadian star took to the stage looking completely fuzz-free.
No doubt those poor, poor souls who had to witness her unwaxed thighs that night are looking into some sort of post-traumatic stress class action. It’s only reasonable, really. More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Good One, Amy
8:58AM Clem Bastow | We were going to talk about Winegums’ buying a tanning bed (presumably to help sort out her skin, er, issues), but we switched sides and found ourselves laughing uproariously at the Sun’s coverage instead.
Evidently Amy heard that the UN’s “drug tsar” had called her “the poster girl for drug abuse”, and – in typical Winegums confuzzlement – asked her mates what the UN was. Bizarre’s Gordon Smart was apparently appalled by this bit of willful blankness.
We think Smart’s reaction is probably a little over the top, but that’s what makes it so great:
Gordon has apparently not taken into account the fact that if Winegums, in her addled state, doesn’t know what the UN is, there’s a good chance she might not actually also be able to turn on a computer and make her way to The Sun online, either. More » 
Today In The Daily Mail’s Enduring Love And Support Of Womenkind
8:43AM Clem Bastow | You know how sometimes you go out on the weekend and see a pool of spew on a street corner, and then all of a sudden, having realised its existence, you start seeing vomit splats everywhere?
We feel something vaguely similar about the Daily Mail and their treatment of female celebrities. Last week we noted their apparent shock that Celine Dion couldn’t be bothered waxing her thighs; today, we have these two clangers:
We scoured the article for any quotes utilising the term “elephant legs”, but it was not to be. Thus, the Mail is apparently speaking for itself when it uses the term “elephant legs”. One more time: “elephant legs”. Charming, isn’t it?
Next:
Yeah, shut up, you ugly hag, go and hug your money!
The Mail fail to see the irony in the juxtaposition of their continued “OMG hairy/fat/lesbian/other” campaigns and quoting SJP, no doubt in some misguided sense of sympathy, “Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It’s kind of shocking when men… It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.”
Any bets the men (and, sadly, probably the women) of the Mail staff have pinboards and dartboards at home covered by the photos of women who scorned them in, like, Grade Four? More » 