tyra
Small Screen
‘Tune In To Find Out What 2 Vaginas Looks Like!’
4:00AM Hamilton Nolan | PR is a discipline that demands the delicate touch of a surgeon and the sober judgement of a sober judge. You can’t just wildly issue press releases like, “Hey, We Got a Lady With Two Vaginas Here!” Or can you? More »
Your Brother’s Sex Tape? Tyra Will Go There
8:05AM Seth | “So tell me, Brandy-girl. Did you watch your brother’s sex tape?” “Ew! Tyra! No! Did you?!” “No! Well, some of it.” It’s funnier when you watch it. The woman who walked around El Coyote refilling your water glasses has left the restaurant for donating $US150 to Prop 8, making the business safe for your gay-wedding-reception dollars once again. Justice is served! We’re so glad the person holding this tasteful sign spoke up for all of us. Bettie Page is in intensive care following a heart attack. Catherine Hardwicke’s been having a bad day, so we suppose we don’t want to pile on by informing you she’s also the person responsible for this monstrosity. Oops—we just did. The Academy reversed its The Dark Knight best original score consideration disqualification: A TDK sweep is again a possibility! How did they make this toy monster truck rally look so much like real life? Probably because this is real life made to look like a toy monster truck rally. More »
Smile With Your Ears
11:02AM Seth | Tyra went to Disneyland to help Minnie and Mickey work on their runway walks and general fiercitude. That’s right, terrorists: Feast your eyes. Ain’t never gonna take this away from us. Ain’t never! Oprah will bring her long-running syndicated show to an end in 2011 to focus on OWN. But will she bring her ass-kissy expert panel of Ali Wentworth, Mark Consuelos and Gayle King along with her? On her marriage to Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman said, “I thought, I don’t deserve to be here. We would go to the Oscars and I would think, I’m here to support him. I felt it was my job to put on a beautiful dress and to be seen and not heard.” She then grew profoundly melancholy for a moment, but you’d never know it from her forehead. Nice try, CNN. Those were tomograms, not holograms. Here’s a peek at Hollywood’s newest 24-hour post-partying eatery, called Our Colour Scheme Will Coax The Puke Right Out Of You Sweet Love Hangover. Uh—pardon us if we’re the last person on the planet to realise this, but Barack Obama has a Flickr photo stream. With, like, tons of backroom pictures of election night. Riveting. We wish we could just leap in there and restyle Michelle! More »
3:14AM Seth | Hos Before Pubes. Whore-pampering hip-hop phenomenon T.I. appeared on The Tyra Banks Show today, where he was pressed by the fierce-eyed Amazonian couch dweller about his arrest last year for attempting to purchase machine guns and silencers in an Atlanta parking lot—a crime for which he’s looking at a sentence of up to one year in prison. He also, for some inexplicable reason, answered honestly about when he lost his virginity. Said T.I.: “I’m embarrassed, 11, I’m sorry…If it makes it any better we had two kids together later on.” While the fact that he’ll be a great-grandfather at age 38 does cut some of the sting, we still wish he had waited until he had grown out of his Mighty Morphin Power Ranger Underoos to give away that special part of himself. [Tyra] More »
‘America’s Next Top Model’ Boldly Going Wherever A Set Budget Of $149 Will Take Them
8:45AM Seth | Last night’s premiere of the latest cycle of America’s Next Top Model unveiled this season’s epic theme—”As sci fi as we can possibly make this using things found at a dollar store”—to much squealy delight from the carefully selected pool of regular- and plus-sized replicants. While the audience seems to be dwindling for such catwalk-crawling minstrel shows (the ratings hit an all-time low), the series is to be commended for never failing to adapt and innovate. Take, for example, the introduction of exciting Glamonator 11.0 technology: A more sophisticated descendant of the Sleeper Orgasmatron, it’s capable of producing an amazingly convincing hologram of a completely-over-it reality hostess who wishes she could fold up shop on this ghetto-arse exercise in model-search futility to spend more time on her Emmy-winning talk show. Smile with your circuits, ladies! More »
