Lord, lord, lord, lord... Saying a story about Amy Winehouse having a (presumably drug-related) health crisis is "breaking news" is like saying "Exclusive: Man Invents Wheel" - but, there you go, evidently it is a breaking story in the UK, since no one seems to know what the bloody hell is going on this time:

Troubled singer Amy Winehouse has been stretchered out of her home and rushed tto the accident and emergency ward of a London hospital.

The singer was seen being wheeled out of her north London home just after 8.40pm this evening by paramedics, as her beleaguered father Mitch Winehouse watched.

Paramedics were called by father Mitch after Amy reportedly suffered an episode of 'fitting'. Her spokesperson said the singer had 'suffered a reaction to medication'.

She was then taken to the accident and emergency department of UCH where she has been admitted.

it feels wrong to be sincerely hoping that she actually did suffer a reaction to medication, because I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world assuming that suffering a "reaction" to some "medication" is probably the more likely cause at hand. Watch this space.

Whether we like it or not (and I don't), and particularly since he's stopped swimming competitively and tends to hang out at fashion events and on Australia's Next Top Model, Ian Thorpe's sexuality has become a hotly debated topic of conversation amongst the gossip set.

To wit, this piece from today's Herald Sun Confidential, which is a run-on from discussing an interview Thorpe gave in Who in which he was evasive about his love life:

Gender specifics aside, the real test may come when the Foxtel personality appears on Rove to promote the History Channel's swimming special this Sunday night.

How will Thorpe respond to Rove's trademark question "Who would you turn gay for?"

What would be great would be if Thorpey turned up clutching a handbag, squealed about Armani and Liza Minelli all night, and then hollered "BARBRA STREISAND!!" when Rove asks said question, before dumping a bucket of porridge on Rove's head, shouting "punk'd!" and then performing Judas Priest's Breakin' The Law as a torch song backed by the Tony Bartuccio Dancers.

That ought to at least shut them up through the powers of extreme confusion if nothing else.

Is it just me, or is the Daily Telegraph's continued coverage of MTV VJ Ruby Rose's life and times starting to get more than a little creepy? Apparently they feel she's not newsworthy unless she's pashing hot chicks, so - oh! - here we go, another story about her.

It seems Ruby's sexuality has won her a film role - you know, not her acting ability or anything.

"She got the role because of her looks and her brave stance on her sexuality," filmmaker Ron Brown told Confidential.

Rose, who has been caught locking lips with The Veronicas' Jess Origliasso, is also set to seduce in the film.

She plays "hot chick" Ruby who tempts the main character Fleur and her boyfriend at a bar.

Man, they just can't resist bringing up that Veronicas liplock, can they? Do you think there are photos of the pash on the walls of the Tele dunnies so the editorial staff can go and "relax" and find some inspiration?

How stupid of me, though - lesbians are totally just hot chicks who are making out with totally hot chicks! Just like gay men are totally awesome at fashion, dancing, and bronzer application!

Briefly in the "professional douche" department...

Paul "Exclusive" Burrell - aka Lady Diana's butler - has surprised everyone by pushing the limits of reality and "exclusively" telling The News Of The World (what, you were expecting The Guardian or The Times?), albeit via his brother-in-law Ron Cosgrove, that he and Diana used to be, that's right, "exclusively" at it like rabbits.

Great mental picture for your morning tea break, isn't it?

Exclusively!

The 61-year-old furniture dealer said Burrell met him at a Cheshire pub in 1993 and told him that he had been having a sexual relationship with Diana.

"He said they did it in the bedroom, the bath, everywhere," Cosgrove told The News of the World.

"He claimed Diana liked to be domineering.

"Paul told me that he'd get a call from Diana in the middle of the night specifically to have sex with her. He said she was very sexually demanding - 'a bit ****ing kinky' were his words - and if you worked for the princess you worked for her 24/7.

"I told him if it was true I was disgusted with him because he was married to my sister and cheating on her with another woman.

"But he didn't see that as a problem. He just replied, 'Yes, but it IS the princess.' I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe what he was telling me."

Cosgrove said Burrell had also claimed to have seen the Queen naked after chasing a royal corgi into her bedroom at Buckingham Palace.

So if Burrell told him all this in 1993 - for those of you keeping score at home, that's FIFTEEN YEARS AGO - how come he's only just remembered it all? Does Burrell have a new book coming out? Are times a bit tight at the Cosgrove manse?

Right, we're going to take this moment to declare a ban on any further press speculation about Nicole Kidman's pregnant tummy (note: NOT her "baby bump", which is a repugnant term than infantilises one of a woman's most womanly times).

It's no secret that pregnant celebrities get a hard time, though it used to be - in the case of, for example, Kate Hudson or Milla Jovovich - that they were "too fat!" or "can't stop eating for two!"

Quite frankly we feel the flipside of that, this unnerving obsession with Nicole Kidman's pregnant tum - or apparent lack of, if you listen to the frothing tabloids - is even more off. It seems she's not pregnant enough! She must be lying! There's no baby in there, maybe Keith's having it! Ho, ho. ho! Sadly, we're not making it up, either - all of those sentiments have been aired by newspapers and magazines over the past few months.

And now:

Of course they'd say they were referring to the "Little Kidman" that was "growing" inside her, but honestly, if the past month is anything to go by, it's just another thinly-veiled slight at Nicole's apparent inability to be "properly" pregnant.

Or perhaps you'd prefer this charming effort, from the Daily Mail?

Enough! She's doing fine, the baby's doing fine, her marriage is fine, can we all find something else to talk about now?

There is no font large enough to adequately express the epic eye-roll we did this morning while reading that MTV Australia is apparently so excited about the fact that VJ Ruby Rose is a lesbian (how could we forget) that they want to stage a girlie pash featuring Rose and The Veronicas at the upcoming MTV Awards.

Yes, MTV Australia is an equal opportunity employer - they'll use anyone's sexuality as a marketing tool!

Can we getta "PUH-LEAAAAASE" from the congregation, ladies and gentlemen?

Similar to the Britney Spears-Madonna saliva swap which made worldwide headlines in 2003, Confidential understands organisers are hoping for another staged pash between MTV VJ Ruby Rose and The Veronicas' Jess Origliasso.

Sources close to Rose confirmed producers were keen on the idea, which comes after the two set tongues wagging when they pashed in public at the Cleo Bachelor of the Year after party.

Whether the two pop princesses publicly restage their tonsil hockey remains to be seen on April 26.

Does anyone else get the faintest whiff of sexual harassment in the workplace out of this? We're neither prudes nor killjoys, but could you imagine MTV Australia hearing that, say, one of its male presenters was gay, and trying to work a gay pash into the proceedings as a publicity stunt?

It's time for the Australian media to realise that there's more to lesbianism than hot chicks pashing at parties!

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!!1 Guess what?! Pete Doherty is headed back to jail!

Really, Defamer Australia? Yes! Looks like, in a move that is completely out of character for the fine, upstanding young singer/songwriter, he breached his probation conditions and is back in the clink! For 14 weeks!

We know, we found it hard to believe ourselves! But the proof, as they say, is in the pudding (and the pudding is stained a queasy tinge of green and smells like stale cigarettes and wine dregs).

Parlophone Records said the Babyshambles frontman's show at the Royal Albert Hall scheduled for April 26 would have to be postponed.

"Peter was very much looking forward to the show and would like to offer his sincerest apologies to all his fans and all those concerned," the label said in a statement.

Adrian Hunter, Doherty's manager, said there were "numerous reasons" the singer/songwriter had been jailed.

"One of them was his latecoming at probation hearings," he said.

Doherty has been in and out of court over recent months in connection with his well-publicised battle with drug abuse. Tuesday's sentence was handed down at the West London Magistrate's Court.

Look, it's getting to the point where they could quite reasonably throw Doherty in jail for the rest of his life and just save time and taxpayers' money, couldn't they?

Well, the day that seemingly would never come has arrived: Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have reached a divorce settlement!

After spending aaages in the courts duking out the terms of their split, the Beatle and his activist ex-wife agreed on a £24.3million settlement (apparently Mills sought £125million and McCartney offered £15.8million), which is roughly AUD$52.3million, but that didn't stop Mills from marching out of court and holding an impromptu press conference on the steps outside.

Launching a non-stop stream of criticism, Ms Mills raged against Sir Paul, the judge and McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton.

She said: “Fiona Shackleton has very sadly handled this case in the worst manner you could ever imagine. She has called me many, many names before meeting me when I was in a wheelchair.”

Ms Mills also launched an angry outburst against her husband's victory on where their daughter would live and how much she would get each year.

“Beatrice gets £35,000 a year. She is meant to travel B-class when her father travels A-class.

“Paul has always wanted Beatrice to go to a state school. He insisted that he wanted us to move to that area [East Sussex] - £35,000 includes. £17,000 for school fees.”

“He tried to get our daughter with joint residency, even though we had gone 50-50. In that way he has got everything he wanted, but that's what powerful people get.”

Ms Mills complained about the judge's assessment of her husband's wealth.

“He also said that Paul is only worth £400 million. Everyone knows that he has been worth £800 million for the last 15 years.

"Paul has always wanted it public because he wants to look like generous Sir Paul."

Blah, blah, blah... You know, for ages we tried to support Mills, tried not to buy into the grossly misogynist muckraking the UK tabloids took part in, tried to see her as something other than the gold-digger the press was so keen to paint her as - but she was just as keen to, presumably, reveal the deeply unpleasant nature of her personality. Surely the mega-bucks pay-out means she could relax into full-time parenting, but no, Mills plans to shack Beatrice up with a nanny ASAP.

And given the terms of the divorce settlement, we'll never know if Sir Paul really was a knob to her, as she claims, but you know what? We hope we never have to hear from or of her again.

Well, hands up if you didn't see this one coming: Amy Winehouse has cancelled the remaining dates on her UK tour!

Yes way, Ted, the troubled diva reckons she can't go on without husband Blake Fielder-Civil by her side, which really puts all her engagements up shit creek since he's likely to be staying in the clink at least past Christmas and possibly the New Year.

Winehouse, whose husband Blake Fielder-Civil is in custody charged with attempting to pervert justice, has cancelled all promotional appearances for the rest of the year.

The statement said: "Amy Winehouse has cancelled all remaining live and promotional appearances for the remainder of the year on the instruction of her doctor.

"The rigours involved in touring and the intense emotional strain that Amy has been under in recent weeks have taken their toll.

"In the interests of her health and well-being, Amy has been ordered to take complete rest and deal with her health issues."

Winehouse said: "I can't give it my all on stage without my Blake.

"I'm so sorry but I don't want to do the shows half-heartedly; I love singing.

"My husband is everything to me and without him it's just not the same."

Oh, honestly.

We used to get all dreamy when Amy and Blake would go on about how they were each others' lifeblood, but now we're just inclined to think it's time to lock them both in a pit and let them eat each other or something.

It'd probably be less agonising than all this, anyway.

Oh, honestly. Did anyone actually think Pete Doherty would be able to hold it together once he finished rehab?

Yes, in news about as surprising as Jennifer Lopez' recent confirmation of her pregnancy, Doherty has been filmed shooting up heroin - and, consequently, he's apologised.

Well, that makes it all better, widdle Petey; let's all have some strawberry ice cream!

“Doherty would like to apologise to the medical staff, fans and wellwishers who have helped and encouraged his progress in fighting his addiction to heroin,” his record label EMI said.

“His ongoing rehabilitation was a source of such pride to him that Peter and those closest to him thought that he was close to winning his personal battle with the drug.

“However, Peter sadly relapsed last week and is now looking to check himself back into a rehab clinic so that he can try to continue the hitherto excellent attempts he had made to break free of heroin.”

He called his latest relapse “a stupid, stupid action for which I feel only shame.”

No he doesn't! We'd like it if he'd be truthful for a moment and just say "Look, I just wanted a hit, junkie 4 lyf" or something.

Somewhere, Kate Moss is rolling her eyes.