the clip show
War is Over (If You Want It)
5:30AM STV | Mario Majorski should have known better than to bring samurai swords to a Celebrity Centre gunfight. One photo tells you everything you need to know to prepare for rockin’, lip-lockin’ time at the Playboy Mansion! Hey, here’s a not-so-tough one: What loudmouth movie critic bashed the “old putz” his son was hired to replace? See? Nicole Kidman is totally, like, not strung out in any way whatsoever! Rahm might be the cute, melodic one in the new boy-pop phenom The Emanuel Brothers, but that doesn’t mean he won’t kick Andy Samberg’s arse for that unaired SNL skit. In case of a late-night Fox emergency, break glass and pull Jack Bauer. SAG-beat brawlers Sharon Waxman and Nikki Finke provided the unlikeliest catfight of the week. The Twilight sequel’s $12 million payday sure will buy Kristen Stewart a lot of Transylvanian Power Skunk. “Tribeca Steamboat Willie DeGeneres-Di Rossi” is only one of the fantastic reader offerings from the Defamer Simpson-Wentz Baby Name Generator. Fire up your Oscars (again) — here come da Milk! Have a great weekend!
Catfight of the Century
11:10AM STV | Did you hear the one about the View hosts who went at it backstage before denying the whole thing ever happened? Well, you have now. Aaaannd on your undercard, William “Shining Ego” Shatner vs. George “Psychotic Gay Bridezilla” Takei. Are Democrats better at political satire than Republicans? We wouldn’t be so sure about that; Elisabeth Hasselbeck killed with that McCain shirt. On the seventh day, the actual Sarah Palin went on Saturday Night Live. And for NBC, it was good. We said farewell to Mr. Blackwell and Dolemite, motherfucker. As this week’s drug stories went, it’s a photo finish between Carrie Fisher’s homo-making Codeine and Gary Busey’s canine-hooker coke-binge. Just for the record: That’s not a corpse in the Roosevelt Hotel pool — he’s just sleeping. We have lots of ideas for making the perfect celebrity PSA, and a <<a href=”http://defamer.com/5067924/richie-and-the-fonz-reunite-for-happy-days-the-obama-years”>i>Happy Days reunion is probably somewhere near the top. It was a tough week for new James Bond films and overcooked Guns N’ Roses albums. You be the judge: Did or did Sarah Silverman not bomb in London? And has Wheel of Fortune ever offered a dumber group of contestants than these three? Miley Cyrus’s naughty-photo hacker spoke out; her underwear-model boyfriend’s own naughty-photo leaker seethed with jealousy. Have a great weekend, everybody!
Let Freedom Ring
6:30AM STV | Defamer Decides 2008 followed the DNC travails of Anne Hathaway, Charlize Theron, Steven Spielberg, and poker-playing Ben Affleck. Jon Cryer, though? Not so much. He’ll get back to us about that. Viggo Mortensen and Kate Winslet were the prom king and queen of early Oscar hype. Our 90210 anticipation runneth over. And over. Kirsten and Justin paid a visit to Sunset Junction. Just so it’s clear, Tom Cruise is not on the hook for Valkyrie’s injured Nazi extras. Fitness goddess Jane Fonda saved us from the leotarded specter of Heidi Montag. To which the bank-bound, White House-minded Heidi naturally replied, “Who’s Jane Fonda?” Steve Coogan and Rainn Wilson dared to voyage to the bottom of the summer box-office. American Idol added a fourth judge to break those occasional ties that occur when Paula falls asleep. Nikki Finke said MGM’s for sale. Sharon Waxman denied it. It’s on! Righteous Kill was a minimum of five poster tweaks away from us even thinking about watching it. Webphobe Aaron Sorkin momentously joined Facebook. Smackenzie Phillips and Andy Dick found dignity behind bars. And finally, Don Draper’s feed followers have almost doubled in the four days since Mad Men TwitterGate. We’re just saying.
Celebrate Good Times, Come On!
11:10AM STV | ·It’s never too late to wish Manoj a happy 38th birthday! ·Bomb and anthrax threats temporarily made MGM Tower the baddest-arse studio HQ in town. ·A lucky Morgan Freeman escaped a serious car accident with only a broken marriage. ·Alas, Christina Applegate, Bernie Mac and a pair of SYTYCD finalists faced more dire diagnoses. ·Matthew McConaughey’s breakthroughs in placenta husbandry narrowly edged Clay Aiken in the race for the title of Best New Daddy. ·Was TV’s highest-paid star among those accidentally exposed by a clumsy Hollywood madam? ·It was a close call, but Shia’s pinkie will pull through. ·Defamer’s political bureau stayed busy with Gwyneth Paltrow, Paris Hilton and Scarlett Johansson. ·Behold! The Chosen Blobs! ·Pineapple Express started big and will end bigger — kind of like co-star James Franco, if you catch our drift. ·Tropic Thunder RetardGate came and went. ·Meanwhile, Robert Downey Jr. will answer your stupid fucking questions now, sir. Yours, too, Debbie Matenopoulos. ·Drink, Play, F@#K and Puke, Broke, AIDS supplanted The Hobbit as the planet’s most anticipated two-fer. ·RIP Bernie Brillstein.
The Night Is Darkest Before The Dawn
11:15AM Mark Graham | If it weren’t for Dark Knight news, there wouldn’t have been much news at all. After dispatching the Joker, Batman took on his toughest foe to date, the deranged Momzo The Clown (specialty: extortion). Batman denies all of the charges, which is just fine with new Oscar frontrunner Aaron Eckhart. · NBC announced that Jay Leno will be abdicating his Tonight Show throne on May 29, 2009 while a disguised Jay Leno sat in the audience cracking wise. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon will be spinning his wheels online for a few months before they let him loose on air. · Miley “Slut!” Cyrus took to the YouTubes to wage war on her new rival, Selena Gomez. · If you come within 1,000 yards of Brangelina’s test tube babies, Brad Pitt will beat you to a pulp. · We finally learned what Judd Apatow’s favourite season of The Wire was. · Surfer dude Matthew McConaughey cashed a $3 million check from OK! for baby pictures of young prince Levi. · Maybe it’s just us, but Lyons & Mankiewicz doesn’t quite have the same ring as Ebert & Roeper (let alone Siskel & Ebert). · Cuts at Vantage and Netflix made it another tough week for indie film. · Fer sure, fer sure, we counted down our favourite Valley Girls. · Don’t bother with MapQuest, NPH can tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. · And finally, the passing of Estelle Getty affected everyone, from teary YouTube eulogists to our own Molly McAleer. The saddest part? None of the Golden Girls made it to the funeral. Nevertheless, the memory of Sophia Petrillo will always live on.
Hellos and Goodbyes
12:00PM Defamer Hollywood | Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno exploits took him from Israel to Arkansas; his Sherlock Holmes adventures to come may or may not include the missus. AFTRA ratified its new contract, but SAG didn’t let that spoil its appetite for destruction. Harvey Weinstein is now officially going door-to-door to finance his films. Psst! Buddy! Wanna buy a Tarantino? The TV Critics Association Press Tour is dead. Long live the TCA Press Tour! Lest major Dark Knight spoilers aren’t up your alley, there’s always Michael Bay’s unproduced Awesome Knight screenplay to hold you over another week. After a long string of compatibility issues, Drew Barrymore is on the market for a Mac huckster upgrade. This Week In Magazine Cover Hell: Blake Lively gets the blown-out Skeletor treatment, while the pasty youths of Twilight make EW safe for chest hair. Here’s the story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely RRRAAALLLLPPPHHHHH Defamer’s readers joined Matthew McConaughey in welcoming a bouncing Bongo Romcom to the world. Meanwhile in France, stinky, salmon-devouring, “high-maintenance beetch” Angelina Jolie prepared her post-twinbirth conditioning regimen. Two words: Hula hoop. Pick your reality TV poison for 2009: America’s Greatest Dog or The Ashley Dupre Governor Boink Variety Hour. We wished a healthy recovery (literally) to the rat-friendly Newsroom Cafe, and bid a fond farewell to J-Lo’s slice of Pasadena paradise, Madre’s.
The Un-Upfronts
11:32AM Seth | Upfront Week had something to underwhelm everyone: ABC’s travelling game shows. FOX’s mysterious smoke-ring people. CBS’s contribution to the fat dad/hot wife sitcom genre, The CW’s 90210. Who did we leave out? Oh yeah. Him. Defamer offers you a front row seat to us covering Cannes coverage in our underwear! Yo, Speed Racer: Eat Iron Man’s iron shorts! Emile Hirsch burns rubber out of UTA. Is the final nail in Nailed’s coffin? Yes! No! Yes! We don’t know! Sooobbb. Few karaoke survivors following Fantasia’s Idol bloodbath. Danny Glover fondly recalls taking fistfuls of psychedelics and fucking his brains out during the Summer of Love in a new VH1 doc. Don’t believe everything Dolly Parton tells you about Burt Reynolds and Johnny Carson’s double-teaming exploits. It’s studio trickery! Here’s what we know for sure about Sex and the Movie: Carrie shoves bread in her mouth while making the biggest announcement of her life. It’s too long. And Sarah Jessica Parker’s hat and hands freak us the fuck out. Megan Fox, as naked as you’re likely to see her this week. Lindsay Lohan: The Lesbian Rumour Years. The tears! The hickeys! We’re ever so slightly less concerned about Jennifer Aniston’s fragile state of mind. For now at least. Brad Pitt’s new tattoo is right above his coinslot. Defamer rides the specialvator to an SNL taping! Will you be my lawfully wedded Lamas, to have and to hold, so long as the cameras are still running? I do! Which reminds us! When are they going to have a gay Bachelor, already? (We mean, besides seasons 3 through 7.) Jodie Foster must have sure felt a rumbling on the horizon. Trampy Gwynnie Tosses Frocks It’s like Annie Hall, but with more Scarlett-on-Penelope action. Simply, Shia.
The Blockbuster You Only Need To Fire Once
11:07AM Seth | Iron Man scores. Looking beneath the big guy’s hood. Marvel’s ready to make a movie out of anything they can slap a “Man” onto. Crushing Speed Racer into a little cube. Picturehouse and Warner Independent, they sleep with the indie fishes. We pick through the wreckage. Is Scientology® brand Baby Gruel hindering the development of Hollywood’s next generation of disenturbulated superstars? Oh Wachowskiiiis…Come out, come out wherever you are! Who says Scarlett Johansson can’t have it all? She owes it all to her five totally not-perving-on-her dads. Sumner Redstone extends a gilded olive branch to Tom Cruise. Susan Sarandon just gettin’ by on biker tats and speed. Lindsay Lohan loses an $11,000 fur and a job in the span of one week, but neither were really hers to begin with. Twilight looks better than Lost Boys 2, but both could use a heavy dollop of Haim. If Barbara Walters thinks Oprah’s heels are hard to maneuver, how did she handle the corset, Bunny ears, and tray? There’s gold nuggets in them thar Hills! The wisdom of a John Cusack, Diablo Cody, or Bob Ross isn’t all that different than you might think. Madonna is just another housewife who didn’t figure out she’s a lesbian until she hit her 50s. “And I’m proud to be an American/Where at least there’s bikinis…“ Gearing up for the Scheisse Video Trial of the Century. Team Taco Trucks!
Tidying Up For Oscar
12:01PM Seth | Yo! Oscar! Over here! It’s the 80th Annual Academy Awards Sunday evening, and good things invariably come in extremely round numbers. As is our custom, we’ll be liveblogging the entire, bloated affair. Live! (Did we mention that already?) It promises to be four-plus hours of wildly inebriated fun. Be there: 5 p.m. Pacific. And if you can’t spend it with us, then we hope you enjoy catching Hepatitis A at Madonna’s. That should be a good time, too. Pop quiz: What do Lindsay Lohan, Marilyn Monroe, two boobs, and innumerable freckles have in common? Hint: Dina Lohan couldn’t be prouder. What’s with Where the Wild Things Are? Leaked screen tests. Poor audience responses. Possible plug pullings! For fans of Can’t Stop the Music, and just about no one else: Steve Guttenberg to boogie back into your hearts on Dancing with the Stars. My dinner with Clooné. Scarlett and Natalie are willing to go there for Boleyn. But can the same be said for Christina and Reese? OMG! Hepatitis scare at Ashton’s 30th birthday! We know…He’s only 30! “Paging Dr. Pinsky. Dr. Pinsky to admissions.” J-Lo’s gemini miracle fails to enthrall a nation. Hobble your way to digital satellite clarity! The lavender Idol monster is back, dragging along some controversy and Apple riding piggyback. Put that broken heel under your pillow, and just maybe, Shoe Fairy Neil Patrick Harris with put a brand new pair of Louboutins under your pillow.
