the bachelor
Breaking ‘The Bachelor’ Code: This Season’s Winner Revealed! Possibly!
6:21AM Seth | If you, like us, can barely endure a season’s worth of Bachelor rose-distributions and Fantasy Suite-nailings to learn who absilicious father-of-one Jason Mesnick chose to be his lawfully contracted reality bride: we have exciting news. More »
Eager Reality Puppet Deanna Pappas Trotted Out Like Prize Heifer On ‘The Bachelor’
8:16AM Seth | While Momma’s Boys continues to advance the reality dating show genre in lightly incestuous ways, the stale Bachelor franchise looks to be growing desperate. More »
The Bachelor’s Shayne Lamas: Drunk, Naked, And Ready To Date Again
4:10AM Seth | Lamas Family acting dynasty heiress Shayne Lamas may not have made love work with the green-card-curious man of her dreams, but by no means does that mean that she’d cover all the mirrors in her house, don a black cocktail dress, and mourn her broken engagement indoors. Life goes on for our little Monkey, as evidenced by a sequence of photographs on inebriated-social-interaction documentation site lastnightsparty.com. What starts out innocently enough, however, with a little round of “Who’s the Marilyn-est of them all?” quickly devolves into a regrettable attempt at unbuckling a nearby patron’s belt with her head, followed by a shocking display of unobstructed tuchus that will forever taint the pristine Bachelor brand. It’s after the jump. But BEWARE! Shayne Lamas’s dumps are NSFW! More »
Their Love Is Dead: Shayne Lamas And British ‘Bachelor’ Guy Call Off The Engagement
2:45AM Seth | It’s a shocking turn of events anticipated by only a handful of the most cynical romance-haters: Shayne Lamas, heiress to the Lamas Family acting dynasty, and British Bachelor Guy, a reality TV contestant from England, citing irreconcilable attention whoredom, have announced that their engagement is off. What’s more—and we urge you now to take a seat if you aren’t doing so already—the two will be going their separate ways forever. From usmagazine.com: More »
Contestant’s Werecoyote Secret Revealed On Shocking ‘Bachelorette’ Premiere
9:35AM Seth | We had barely recovered from last week’s whirlwind The Bachelor finale—an unrepentantly romantic affair which saw Lorenzo Lamas marry off his youngest neglected daughter to a Mary Poppins background player—when the ABC reality TV mating rite began anew. On last night’s The Bachelorette premiere, the gender scenario was reversed, with 25 eager-to-wed penis-havers (or at least eager to nab some sweet national airtime plus a chance at nailing a reality semi-star) vying for the attentions of one desirable, not-getting- any-younger- if-you- know-what- we-mean goddess. The lucky lady in question? The Bachelor season 11 finalist DeAnna Pappas, who you might remember as having had her still-beating heart plucked right out of her chest in an episode we like to refer to as Indiana Womack and the Gazebo of Commitmentphobic Doom. More »
Shayne Lamas’s Performance Of A Lifetime
3:55AM Seth | Sure, we all endured the Rose Ceremony hoops, but was there really any doubt in our minds who Matt Grant—the most British Bachelor ever!—would choose at the end of his lady-shopping journey? The second he laid eyes on Lamas Family acting dynasty heiress Shayne Lamas, our funny-sounding Casanova was a goner. Sad as that was for first runner-up Chelsea, who was commended for her loveliness and offered her choice of Whirlpool appliances in exchange for her time, it resulted in a jackpot romantic payday for Shayne. More »
I Believe In You And Meep: Celebrating The Bachelor’s Amanda
5:00AM Seth | Last night brought us the always anticipated The Bachelor reunion show, and while it didn’t come close to reaching the dramatic heights of last season’s stunning confrontation between hunky-faced Brad Womack and the shunted women he so callously tossed aside like used bedside facial tissue, it did feature some satisfying moments. Absent from the proceedings was finalist Shayne Lamas, scion of the Lamas Family Acting Dynasty, who, despite what her father might tell you, is truly, madly, deeply in love with What’s-His-Face from London Town. More »
Dad Lorenzo Outs Shayne Lamas As The Reality TV Famewhore She Truly Is
3:00AM Seth | In just the four short weeks since we last checked in with dandiest Bachelor ever Matt Grant, the British export has managed to whittle down his harem of colonial concubines to three. Not surprisingly, Shayne Lamas, the needy-but-hot, questionably motivated heir to the Lamas Family acting dynasty, is still in the running, earning her a coveted family visit on last night’s episode. More »
Shayne Lamas Feels Her Hotness Should Exempt Her From Jumping Through The ‘Bachelor’ Hoops
7:24AM Seth | The Bachelor’s movable harem made a pit-stop in Vegas last night for the second of two group dates. To be quite frank, the entire enterprise took a dive towards the mundane after being robbed of the effervescent presence of Bachelors in Nutrition-holding contestant Stacey, whose undiscovered-disease-curing ambitions could one day save millions of lives lost to cancer’s even deadlier sequel. More »
