sting
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Heidi And Spencer Wreak Havoc On The Miss Universe Pageant
10:30PM the cajun boy | Speidi acts the arse at the Miss Universe pageant, Sting’s status as a sexual God is bullshit, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush reconcile, Jason Schwartzman got married, Marc Jacobs is getting married, and Amy Winehouse goes on a 48-hour bender. More »
Sting Beaten To Eco-Friendly Crown By Puddle Of Pond Scum – Oh Sorry, That’s Pete Doherty
11:00AM Clem Bastow | For all of Gordon Sumner’s crowing about the environment, and about how if we all had Tantric sex for eight hours a day the Earth’s alignment would right itself and global warming could be used to fuel electricity in the Third World (or whatever his particular thing is), it seems The Police’s megabucks reunion world tour might have done him some damage when it comes to his position as an eco-warrior.
Worse for him, he wasn’t beaten – in a list of eco-friendly artists – by Bono or Deep Forest, but by old scungy mitts himself, Pete Doherty.
Is there no fairness in the world anymore?
NME magazine commissioned a survey of rock tours, with zero “as carbon neutral as Bob Geldof’s bathwater” and 10 “as good for Earth as an oil spill”.
Babyshambles was given a four rating, with indie band the Cribs, due to playing small venues with fans not travelling too far.
Radiohead was the best of all five bands, listed with a rating of just two, after Thom Yorke pledged to reduce their footprint.
The Police came top with a rating of seven – the same as Kasabian.
John Buckley, of Carbonfootprint.com, said: “At Live Earth in New Jersey where the Police played, the biggest emissions weren’t from the concert, it was the fans.”
So there you have it – don’t go to The Police’s Australian shows if you know what’s good for you, apparently they’re a farty lot.
Must be all the mung beans and cocaine. More »
Sting Spotted Sucking Wife’s Toes On Sydney Harbour; Later Pulling Tantric Sex Moves At Top Of Opera House
1:30PM Clem Bastow | Well, maybe not, but at least the first part of our headline is true – those wacky Tantra-loving Brits are at it again!
As you will likely be aware, The Police have brought their reunion tour to Australia, and in the meantime between concert dates, Sting, his wife Trudie Styler, and their kids are hanging out on the monster-bucks boat that Sting hired to moor in Sydney Harbour.
Ostensibly this was so they could have a prime posi for the New Year’s Eve celebrations, but now we know the truth, i.e. that it’s a great place to get into a little “Squidgy” action.
Docked in Sydney harbour on a hired yacht costing £17,500 a day, Sting gently raised Trudie Styler’s left leg to his mouth – and sucked her toes.
The Police singer, whose personal life has been surrounded by rumours of tantric sex and swingers’ parties, also found time to massage her feet as she reclined on a sunlounger.
Really, by this time in all our lives we should expect nothing less from Sting and Styler. It’s like that crazy old lady you always see on the tram; “Oh, there she goes again”.
We were, though, tickled by this comment left on the Daily Mail site after the article: “Surprised that either of them has time for anyone else – they are so far up themselves.”
“Freddie” from Northants, we salute you! More » 
Fergie And The Police Go Together Like Lambsfry And A Strawberry Milkshake
11:27AM Clem Bastow | We’re well aware that these days it’s plain old-fashioned to expect a stadium gig’s support act to be in the same genre or vintage as the headliner, but this could be taking it one step too far: Fergie will be supporting The Police on the Australian leg of their reformation tour.
“I’ve always been a fan of The Police so I’m really looking forward to this tour,” she said. “It’s also a great chance to come back to Australia as a solo artist.”
Word has it, however, that as much as Fergie is apparently head of the Californian chapter of The Police Fanclub, her inclusion on the bill is more to do with promoters desperate to sell tix – seeing as the little girls of Australia would be quite keen to see The Dutchess in a stadium setting – with the word on the street that the Suncorp Stadium show has sold only half the tickets allocated.
Perhaps yoga practitioner Sting could give Fergie Ferg some onstage lessons in pelvic floor muscle control. More »
Sting Puts On The Red Light
10:45AM Clem Bastow | Tantric sex practitioner and originator of one of our favourite Q Magazine quotes of all time (”I’m ugly but I’m still sexy”) Sting has been spotted apparently visiting one of Hamburg’s biggest brothels, which bills itself as a strip joint.
Straight after performing at the HSVArena in Hamburg, the 55-year- old singer jumped into a silver SUV flanked by two bodyguards and headed into town.
As it turned out he clearly had relaxation on his mind. The Relax bordello prides itself on being one of the city’s most luxurious.
Apart from indulging in the salacious gossip we know and love them for, we were particularly delighted with this little bit of extra “colour and movement” that the Mail added to the story:
Magnums of Dom Perignon can be served in the whirlpool or “steamy sauna” or indeed poured over the breasts of young models (if pictures on the club’s website are anything to go by).
The corker, though, is Sting’s publicist’s shrugging reaction to the whole kerfuffle: “Sting and his wife Trudie Styler have always been open about their interest in strip clubs.”
Right, that clears all that up, then!
More » When Headlines Disappoint (Part Of An Ongoing Series)
3:19PM Jess McGuire | You can just guess how giddy with excitement we were when we spied a headline like Sting entraps more Skype sex predators, can’t you?
Immediately we were swept away by the image of Tantric yoga’s elder statesman settling down at a computer, ear piece and microphone at the ready, wiling away the evenings chatting to dirty kiddy fiddlers in a high-pitched voice. Finally, after winning their trust and completely fooling them with his Oscar worthy performance, he gets them to agree to a meeting at an abandoned warehouse.
Hours later, the nasty rock spider with an evil glint in his eye arrives at the meeting place… only to be accosted by Sunhill’s finest! Sterling work, Sting! Yet another pedophile off the streets! Next up, New York City! And perhaps an album with a dedication in the liner saying “In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. When it comes to Skype, the dedicated detective who investigates these vicious felonies is a member of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit feat. Celebrities Crimefighters. This is his story put to adult orientated pop music…”
DUNK DUNK!
But it’s a proper un-celebrity related news story about slimy Australian arsewipes getting their evil arses caught by the coppers. Which is good stuff, but sadly lacks any Gordon Sumner angle at all. More » Sting Interrupts No Doubt Marathon Sex Session* To Express Shock At Court Ruling.
1:34PM Jess McGuire | It’ll take a helluva lot of meditation before Sting calms down over this, we reckon. You see, everyone’s favourite yoga devotee and his missus have been found guilty of unfair dismissal. Unfair dismissal? How un-hippy of them!
Celebrity couple Sting and Trudie Styler face having to pay record damages to their former chef for unfair dismissal after a tribunal found them guilty of “shameful conduct”.
The singer and his actress wife – formally known as Mr and Mrs Sumner – broke employment law by sacking Jane Martin, 41, after she became pregnant, the panel has ruled.
In a devastating judgment, Styler is accused of using “subterfuge” to get rid of Ms Martin, and of using “minions” to do her “dirty work”.
The employment tribunal was told that staff at the couple’s country estate lived in a climate of fear because Styler subjected them to abuse to make her “feel royal”.
Good lord. The story is especially disturbing if we choose to only pay attention to the words appearing within quotation marks. In fact, we’ll re-type them in caps and make them bold just to add an air of authentic UK tabloid reporting!
More » 