We think we might have found Bad Lieutenant's successor for Unholiest Hollywood Remake: Steven Spielberg and Will Smith may partner to adapt the ultraviolent Korean revenge flick Oldboy for American audiences. DreamWorks will produce, Universal will distribute and Smith will reportedly star as a man seeking payback after 15 years of kidnapped captivity. And we will reserve judgement, though we have at least three good reasons not to.

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A tender postmortem in today's New York Times reminds the world yet again that seriously — like, really, this time — David Geffen is leaving DreamWorks. Having shepherded the monolith through the Hollywood establishment from conception to its first marriage (and divorce) before giving the frazzled bride away a second time in an arranged marriage to its dashing Indian suitor, Geffen's tenure is remembered fondly by his 'Works co-founders Steven Spielberg and Jeffrey Katzenberg. Not that they'll admit to knowing what they're doing without him.

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After traumatising the Today audience yesterday with her delightful tale of family syphilis, former Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick took her unsettling book tour to The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet, where she opened up about cocaine ("They would call me 'The Hoover' because of how much cocaine I would do") and family planning ("I was 18, 19 and 20 when I had each abortion"), then recounted a brand-new story about hitting rock bottom that was markedly different than the one she told Meredith Vieira on Tuesday. This one, you see, involved Indiana Jones:

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The Dept. of Forgone Conclusions forwarded a memo this morning confirming that DreamWorks has settled with Universal as its new distribution partner for the next five years, officially ending months of speculation and finally slicing the last thread connecting the 'Works to its exes at Paramount. The partnership reinstates Steven Spielberg and Stacey Snider's working relationship with their old friends at the studio, but far more importantly, it sets up a potential blood feud with a nemesis no one dares face when push comes to shove.

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Rape Sells! South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour — probably at the end of that crisis meeting rumoured to be unfolding today at Paramount. Sadly, bitterly, the cycle continues. [The Live Feed]

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We knew George Lucas had a taste for franchise-rape, but our relatively proscribed imaginations prevented us from conjuring the horror of Lucas and accomplice Steven Spielberg forcibly tag-teaming Indiana Jones not once, not twice, but three times in 30 minutes. But that's what South Park is for, we guess, where the mandate to get tanked on Crystal Head Vodka™ and crossbreed cinema's most notorious rape scenes with Indy's own violation was thriving nicely in last night's episode. We've culled one-third of the NSFW nightmare for your viewing pleasure after the jump; expect the filmmakers' "He was asking for it" defence to arrive here later in the day. [Comedy Central]

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It would be too easy to say that Harrison Ford hit the Crystal Head Vodka a little hard before today's interview at the LA Times; how else to explain his eagerness to jump aboard Indiana Jones 5 so soon after the franchise's fourth installment? He's 66! George Lucas can't settle on a script! And Shia still has months of recovery ahead for his pinkie and balls. All signs but the dollar say "stop," but that's all the actor apparently needed to wax fantastic about the potential pouring forth everywhere from the box office to cereal aisles:

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In fairness, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull doesn't have much going for it in terms of viral marketing potential; it's not as though Ow Shia's Balls brand jockstraps or My First Carnivore Ant Farm sets were on backorder when the film opened last May. But one savvy (if completely incongruous) cross-promotion has indeed sold out in advance of Indy 4's DVD release Oct. 14: Crystal Head Vodka, pimped by unassuming pitchman and Indy franchise alum Dan Aykroyd on a Web site making the rounds today. Despite the overall conceptual stupidity that uncannily mirrors the film it intends to sell, the set-up nevertheless extends all the way to a popular liquor site that turns you away when adding Crystal Head to your cart. So relax, parents! It's safe for your kids — or at least safer than Scooby-Doo's disastrous Rummy Rum Rum!™ tie-in from a few years back. Matthew Lillard still hasn't recovered from that one. [Crystal Head Vodka]

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· In her first film since her split with Raffaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway will topline The Opposite of Love as an attorney whose life collapses when she rejects her boyfriend's marriage interests. That kind of thing will happen when you say "No" to a Vatican wedding. [Variety]
· Memo to Will Smith and Warner Bros. re your planned I Am Legend prequel: Save $149,999,996 and rent the original. It has flashbacks and everything! [Variety]

After the jump: Spielberg contemplates sci-fi, Travolta visits Paris, and at last! Fag hags get a show of their own!

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Hot on the heels of a philanthropic Brad Pitt, director Steven Spielberg has become the latest celebrity to make a major donation to the campaign to defeat the anti-gay Proposition 8. Spielberg matched Pitt's donation of $100,000 to fight the proposition, which would take away the same-sex marriage rights awarded to Californians this year. As terrific as it is for the industry's straight allies to open up their pocketbooks, we can't help but take a page from homo icon Kathy Griffin and wonder: "Where my gays at?" Specifically, why haven't gay stars like the recently married Ellen DeGeneres contributed to a movement that still lags millions of dollars behind its well-funded, religious opposition? IN magazine broke down some of the other queer power players who are too busy watching Work Out reruns to contribute:

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