spice girls

Nelson Mandela’s Greatest Wish – “I Just Want To See Posh, Sporty, Scary, Baby, And Ginger Perform ‘Spice Up Your Life’ Live One Last Time!”

9:43AM Jess McGuire | Former President of South Africa and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela is known around the globe for his fight against apartheid, and now it would appear he’s chosen another noble cause to throw his mighty weight behind – getting the Spice Girls back on stage one last time. Just a day after Geri Halliwell announced that The Spice Girls reunion tour would be their last, it seems the pop outfit may yet be playing one more show – Nelson Mandela’s birthday concert. Apparently a massive event is being planned in London’s Hyde Park shortly before Mandela’s birthday on July 18, and The Spice Girls are the number one target to perform. Mandela famously met the pop group in 1997 and said it was the “happiest day of his life”, while the Spices called him their “hero.” Sure, some may have thought the happiest day of Mandela’s life would have been the day he was freed from jail, or perhaps becoming the first democratically elected South African President, but those kinds of people underestimate the power of witnessing five bickering thirty-something women dancing seductively to a backing track blaring out sultry pop hit of yesteryear “Too Much”. Interesting Mandela fact! He enjoys a breakfast of plain porridge, with fresh fruit and fresh milk. More »

Official Message From Melesbian C Regarding Cancelled Spice Tour

10:41AM Jess McGuire | Further to yesterday’s report regarding the Spice Girls cancelling their Australian tour (and the mighty fan wrath subsequently incurred), we wish to alert you to an official statement offered by Sporty Spice Mel C regarding her role in this tragic turn of events. Melanie would like to make it perfectly clear that at no point has she refused to continue with the Spice Girls Tour. She is very disappointed that the tour isn’t continuing at this stage and, as she does not have the family commitments of the other Girls, she is in the best position of all of them to continue. Any accusation that it was Melanie’s reluctance to continue the tour that has brought about this situation is absolutely false. So there you have it. Those other lazy bitches are to blame. *Headline thanks to UK Correspondent Will. Defamer Australia wishes to note that we have no evidence Mel C has ever dived for clams, and we believe she is firmly in the I Heart Doodle camp when it comes to love. Truly. No libel suits, please. More »

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Spice Girls Fan Scorned

12:52PM Jess McGuire | Parents of Australian children can rest easy – Mel B won’t be appearing onstage scaring their children with saucy tales of clitoral over-stimulation anytime soon, as news emerged over the weekend that the Spice Girls had decided to cancel their Down Under tour plans. “We’ve had such an amazing time over the last three months,” said the Spice Girls in a statement (we figure they dictated the note in unison). “It’s been incredible being back together and seeing our fans again. We want to thank everyone who came to see us… Really sorry if we didn’t get to see you this time round. We all have other commitments in our lives now but who knows what will happen next.” The statement teases that the group will be reviewing “options” and muses, “who knows what the future might bring!”? Rumours have been circulating that the group has been offered a huge offer from EMI to record another album, despite the fact that their comeback single “Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)” disappointed on the UK charts. Regardless, the Girls will not be performing as planned in Australia, Argentina, and China. As the brilliant No Rock and Roll Fun put it – Spice Girls discover ‘family’ more attractive than ‘half empty halls’ Those “other commitments” in the Spice Girls’ lives – what would they actually be, then? Is the Australian Dancing With The Stars refusing to take ‘no’ for an answer from Geri? Has Mel B decided she needs to drive up and down Eddy Murphy’s street bellowing DNA test results? Is Victoria thinking that, damn it all, 2008 is the year she needs to finally tackle Anthony Powell’s A Dance To The Music Of Time, and no excuses? Australian fans are apparently taking the news rather badly. Outraged Australian fans have lashed out at the Spice Girls after the group scrapped plans to tour Down Under. “I am absolutely disgusted in them,” a fan named Charm said. “Most of us have been waiting years for this and they have just ruined it all for us. As far as I am concerned, they have just lost another fan. So much for girl power.” Some branded the group liars. “They have known all along when their kids go to school or whatever,” Stace88 said. “It’s a crappy excuse, really it’s all just about money … they’ve made enough now so who cares about anywhere else right?” Fans said they were upset that promoters kept promising concert dates. “How dare they get our hopes up by sending emails asking us how many tickets we wanted,” Ezzy B said. On the social networking site Facebook, two groups have started recruiting members, Spice Girls Suck for cancelling tour to Australia and Spice Girls Dogged Australia. Also circulating on the web is a picture of the group holding up a sign – “We Lie”. The website SpiceNews.com, which has been running since 1998, announced it was closing down. “I can’t support people who I don’t respect, and I don’t respect people who plainly screw over and lie to their fans, that being the Spice Girls,” the site’s administrator said. Ballsy move, Spice Girls. Personally, we’d never toy with the emotions of Ezzy B, Charm, and Stace88. More »

Mel B Shares Decidedly Too Much With The Audience During A Spice Girls Show

7:47AM Jess McGuire | Never one to be afraid of giving fans more information than they’d like to hear, Mel B has shocked her fellow Spice Ladies and punters at a London show by revealing she, erm, had a rather busy festive season. Spice Girl Melanie Brown has sparked outrage in the U.K. for the second time in a month – by talking about her sex life onstage. The singer stunned young fans at the band’s U.K. gig in London on Tuesday (08Jan08) by informing fans she had “too much clitoral stimulation” over Christmas. Brown’s statement embarrassed fellow bandmates Geri Halliwell, Melanie Chisholm, Emma Bunton and Victoria Beckham, prompting them to tell her to be quiet. We’ll assume Geri, Mel C, Emma and Victoria’s embarrassment regarding Mel B’s revelation is more to due with them being highbrow types, and not because they’re responsible for the pubic overworking and are mortified this saucy example of their top secret Spice Girl Tour Bonding Activities has been aired in public. Brown stunned parents in the crowd at a gig in December (07) by thrusting her head between the legs of a male fan during her solo performance of Lenny Kravitz’s Are You Gonna Go My Way. Just sing Wannabe and hush up about what’s happening in your knickers, Mel B, lest you scar the developing minds of even more children. More »

Spice Girls Tickets Selling Like Coldcakes

3:55PM Clem Bastow | The Spice Girls tour that initially seemed like the most exciting thing EVER OMG has started slowing down somewhat, with ticket sales waning and critical reception cooling. Now, with Emma Bunton hobbling around with a busted foot, it seems that booking seventeen gigs in London may have been a little too optimistic on the part of the promoters as the arenas’ seating stands become speckled with gaps. It seems Girl Power is on the wane as the group’s second performance, on Sunday, was reported to be less than full and Monday’s had plenty of seats available. Saturday’s show at the O2, the Spice Girls’ first performance together in the UK for eight years, was boasted to have sold all 23,000 tickets in 38 seconds. The girls, included Mel B who was spotted at Cipriani with husband Stephen Belafonte on Sunday night, then added 16 more dates because of the overwhelming enthusiasm. But the initial rush on tickets was not all it seemed as the internet touts, who bought thousands, started selling them for less than a third of their face value. And audience members at the venue on Sunday said it was noticeably empty, with one saying there were “a couple of hundred” spare seats. On Monday, seats were available on the O2 website. Look, this really only says one thing to us: it bodes well for a secret gig at Melbourne’s Tote Hotel when they eventually arrive in Australia! Only 350 tickets available, send us your money now! More »

Things Looking Even Better For Spice Girls’ Tour As Baby Spice Busts Her Foot

11:11AM Clem Bastow | The whole Spice Girls reunion tour thing is really starting to take on a smell of death; first Fay Weldon laid into them (with good reason), then the arenas started emptying out, and now this: Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton has buggered things up by tripping and hurting her foot. They are claiming that the show will go on, but they have already cancelled one pre-record and now fans are feeling uneasy, what with SEVENTEEN shows coming up in the UK. Good one, Emma. You should think long and hard about how this is going to affect everyone else, and when you’ve had a think about it, then you can have some pudding. Baby Spice took a tumble on stage, spraining her ankle, at the girls’ Las Vegas show during the last of their U.S. dates earlier this week. Her injury was unknown to fans until she was photographed hobbling on crutches on Wednesday night at the unveiling of a Virgin Atlantic plane named ‘Spice One’ in their honour, at Los Angeles International Airport. Despite her vow to be on stage at their first London gig, the group have cancelled their pre-recorded performance on Strictly Come Dancing on the Sunday semi-final show. The band were expected to sing their hit 2 Become 1 in the taping tomorrow, but have decided to let Emma rest her ankle. As the article goes on to note, it’s not the first time she’s busted her foot; she “fell off” her trademark stupidly-tall platforms back in the Spicies’ heyday, prompting moral guardians everywhere to tut tut about the choice of footwear. The rest of us just knew that the “shoes” were hopelessly ugly and thus saved ourselves the bother. Maybe, since being unsteady on her feet seems to have become a trademark, it’s time for Emma to start considering a nice, comfy pair of flat Homy Peds? We’re sure Roberto Cavalli could tizz them up with a few rhinestones. More »

Two Tickets Become One As Spice Girls’ Tour Dates Empty Out

11:05AM Clem Bastow | Well, it couldn’t have been all wine and roses (or whatever the bloody saying is) for the Spice “Girls” on their reunion world tour. They’ve enjoyed a number of high-profile television gigs, a fairly warm critical response, and good ticket sales – until now, that is. They recently played the second of two dates in Las Vegas and the auditorium was about as “full” as North Geelong Basketball Stadium was when we went to see Spice Force: The Australian Spice Girls Experience in 1997. Promoters boasted of a sell-out tour, but it appears a number ticket holders had second thoughts about seeing the Spice Girls perform in concert last night. Almost half of the seats in the Mandalay Arena auditorium were empty as the group took to the stage for their second show in Las Vegas. …It’s not the first disappointment the Spice Girls have encountered since their reunion. Their charity comeback single Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) is the worst selling Children in Need song ever after it scraped into the UK midweek charts at No.10. It’s funny, isn’t it – if you were a struggling young indie band, it’s safe to say you’d pretty much lose your shit if your single “scraped in” at #10. But this obviously means the death knell for the Spicy reunion. We gather that these “friends forever” will be gagging to never see each other ever again come the final dates of this tour. More »

It’s Probably Safe To Say Fay Weldon Doesn’t Think Much Of The Spice Girls, Then

11:49AM Clem Bastow | Fay Weldon has opened up a scathing attack on the Spice Girls from within the Daily Mail, in a piece called “How the Spice Girls have killed feminism, subverted morality and embarrassed us all”. In case the title didn’t sum it up for you, the noted essayist and writer comes out guns blazing against the girlpower exponents, and by the end of the article, we were begrudgingly agreeing with her (to the tune of the Greatest Hits). In short, she thinks they’re rubbish, innit. What chance did formal sex education have when faced with the catchy lyrics – written by men, of course – that told young girls to indulge in such things as “weekend love” and encouraged “playing games”? What it did of course was to separate love from sex. The Spice Girls killed romance. Their singable, suggestive lyrics took away the innocence of the playground – or at least what was left of it. And it’s never coming back. They turned difficult love into temporary sex, and reduced female aspiration to a series of consumer choices. They turned little girls into paedophile bait, and in doing so they helped destroy our concept of childhood. And why am I embarrassed for myself? Because I admit I once rather liked the Spice Girls. There’s much more than that in the lengthy editorial, including a moment where – in a seemingly giddy bout of schadenfreude – Weldon notes that chickenpox is apparently sweeping ‘Spice Force Five’, their rented 747 and flying creche/dressing room. However, as much as she’s raining on the fivesome’s ripsnorting reunion parade, she makes some salient points, so read it with your lunchtime juice/muffin/Prozac and feel that little bit more enlightened. *pushes glasses up bridge of nose* More »