Isn't it strange how that rare affliction of being mystically "unable" to gain weight only strikes female celebrities? It seems poor Megan Fox has that very woe to deal with atop her many other personal struggles, like pretending her engagement to one-earring trendmaker Brian Austin Green is still on, and trying ever so desperately to let a director (any director!) just film her nude already. But the newly "scrawny" Fox has reportedly been chastised about her skinny frame by Transformers 2 director Michael Bay, who has demanded that the busty Jolie successor put on 10 pounds or find a new gig. While Megan's resorted to stuffing herself with cake every night in bed, we might suggest the Anne Hathaway Quick Speed Diet: apparently breaking up with a grade A loser leads to dropping 28 pounds in no time!

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This probably won't come as a surprise to anyone who witnessed her seemingly hating every minute she spent pregnant, but new mum Jessica Alba has joined that elite niche of stars who lost all their baby weight at insanely rapid speeds. But the methods some celebrities have confessed to using when it comes to accelerating the path towards reclaiming their old figures don't sound entirely sane. From suffering through cabbage soup diets to dropping $50,000 on gym equipment in an effort to slim down at paces up to 14 days after giving birth, the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Richie and others have some highly unique and scary track records. Which stars drunk themselves into wine-induced oblivion and trusted online blood tests to reach their goals, after the jump.

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There are certain ways to tell that you've spent too much time in hipster-ridden Silver Lake: like, say, when the audience gasps at Emile Hirsch's dramatic weight loss at the end of Into the Wild, and all you can think is, "Hot. He'd fit right in at Spaceland." Through this admittedly skewed lens, a Silver Laker might look upon these new photos of a slimmed-down, tatted-up Colin Farrell with a steady chant of, "One of us. One of us." But what do our friends across the pond think? The Daily Mail, unsurprisingly, approves:

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Apparently the tabloids aren't the only ones who have serious issues with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's scary skinny frames. According to a story in OK!, a cunning barista at the twins' favourite Starbucks in New York was so concerned for MK&A's health that he would foster his own plumping recipes for the pair despite their usual order of Grande nonfat lattes. According to the magazine's source, "the barista thought the Olsens were too thin, so whenever they ordered their usual drink, he would replace the skim milk with full-fat." While we don't think the coffee-slinging superhero's plan did much in the way of turning the Olsens around, reading their friend's teary manifesto against evil concoctions like this might make them reconsider the kind of slim-fast buddies they've been hanging out with.

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In the latest attempt by a Hollywood superstar to Oscar grub by radically transforming their physical appearance, former hard-body Colin Farrell is rapidly downsizing for his upcoming part as a war photographer in Triage. And while Farrell could use some credibility in the acting department following his recent string of flops, hacking off all these pounds doesn't look like the healthiest way to do it. But admittedly, dieting your way towards industry approval has been a Hollywood go-to trick for quite a while. We took a look back at some of his peers' most drastic weight losses, and as scary as the morphing process made them look, each part did bolster their respective careers dramatically:

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Tom Cruise isn't having the best month. First, a bunch of hooligans slapped his laughy face on some ultra-strong pot and called it Tom Cruise Purple. Then, the feel-good movie of 2008, Valkyrie, got pushed back (making it the feel-good movie of 2009). And now, Victoria Beckham has usurped a bit of his domestic control and transformed Katie Holmes into a fellow stick figurine. And Tom's April blues have reached a breaking point:

"[Tom] is keen to put some distance between his actress wife and Victoria, who have morphed into each other...it concerns Tom that Katie has lost so much weight recently."

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It's not just British tabloids ripping apart celebrity body parts; now their own trainers are turning against them to make a buck. Fitness expert Rob Parr has written the summer release Star Quality, in which he shells out detail after "fleshy" detail about the problem areas of stars like Demi Moore, Naomi Watts, and Madonna. And though the blurbs on the back merely outline the "types" of bodies each star had (hourglass, long and slender, and athletic, respectively), he delves far deeper into their Before states in the pages: "

[Demi] lacked a defined waist, carried too much meat on her thighs, and was, by movie-star standards, thick overall."

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If you want to look just as scarily skinny as the likes of Kate Hudson and Renee Zellweger, the solution is simple: eat nothing but boiled eggs and water, develop a healthy addiction to caffeine and cardio, and devote your evenings to chain-smoking and reading Us Weekly on the john. The latest "news" on celebrity diet secrets comes to us courtesy of the Daily Mail, who asked a handful of trainers and nutrition experts what's in between the lines of all those helpful How Kate/Jessica/Reese Got Slim stories. And even if some of the answers don't exactly whet your appetite, guessing which celebs the so-called experts are outing is almost as much fun as biting into a Double Double. Take this nugget for example:

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