royals

Camilla Yearns For The Good Old Colonial Days When Every Royal Had A Darkie To Call One’s Own

8:52AM Clem Bastow | When you’ve been called “The Rottweiler” by your husband’s beloved late ex-wife and you faced a massive PR battle to win over the public of Britain and convince them that you would be a suitable wife for their Prince, and you finally managed to do so, marrying the man of your dreams after an awfully long time, what do you think would be a good accessory to add to your carry-on luggage? A badge that says “I ♥ UK”? Or maybe a culturally insensitive throwback to the days of black and white minstrels? Duchess of Cornwall Camilla chooses the latter! Members of the Royal Family tend to avoid taking their lead from Prince Phillip on matters of cultural or colonial insensitivity. But the Duchess of Cornwall’s choice of Burberry bag accessory suggests he is not the only one capable of gaffs of this sort. Royal watchers were astonished to see – what appeared to be – a golliwog figure in the boot of her car, minutes before she was whisked away from the Hampton Court Flower Show yesterday morning. More »

Jamie Durie Incurs The Fiery Wrath Of Prince Philip In The Middle Of A Field Of Pretty Flowers

10:03AM Clem Bastow | Jamie Durie – who I should briefly congratulate for winning gold at the Chelsea Flower Show for his garden created with pal and nurseryman Wes Fleming – has learned that despite all his hilarious malapropisms and gaffes, Prince Philip can apparently turn his sense of humour on and off at will. Mr Queen was inspecting the Flower Show, and expressed particular fondness for a bushy plant in the midst of Durie’s winning exhibit. Which is probably where the Royal-loving Brits would’ve left it, but Durie just had to go and open his dirty colonial mouth… The prince’s reaction stunned Mr Durie, who had just spent a pleasant few minutes showing the Queen around his garden. “It was my first experience of Prince Philip,” he said. “He said to me, ‘I do like your tree fern’. I said, ‘Actually, it’s not a tree fern, it’s a member of the cycad family. It’s a Macrozamia moorei.’ “And with that, he walked off. As he was walking away he said, ‘I didn’t come here to get a lesson’ under his breath. “I didn’t hear him say it, one of the boys heard him. I thought, ‘Well, you did ask.’ I was trying to be as courteous as I could and give him the right information.” Poor old Jamie, all that time spent doing backflips and wearing g-strings has obviously numbed him to such monarchist niceties. But I say give the old duke what for – he’s spent too long getting away with calling anyone who isn’t white “savages” and probably having a go at “poofs” and still looking askance in the forests for “Jerry” or “Charlie”. I daresay old Liz was probably glad to have someone else set him straight for a chance. More »

One Will Not Be Poppin’ Cristal Wit’ One’s Homies

9:32AM Clem Bastow | Given that she rocks tiaras and diamond knuckledusters like nobody’s business, flies private jets and has more houses than Oprah, we were quite touched to see that Queen Elizabeth II has decided to cancel her diamond wedding anniversary celebrations as she thought it would be a bit crass considering the rest of Britain is teetering on the brink of recession. Yes, despite that inscrutable smile and wave combination, and whatever the thinly-veiled truths of The Queen suggested, it appears Liz isn’t totally out of touch with her people after all. Guests at the party, which was due to be held at The Ritz this weekend, would have been served champagne from crystal-studded bottles and dined off tablecloths covered with sparkling jewels. But with her subjects facing rising bills and falling house prices, and the banking system paralysed by the so-called “credit crunch”, the Queen has decided that the celebration would be regarded as insensitive. Her highlighting of the dire state of the economy will not be welcomed by the Prime Minister, who faces daily reminders from his advisers that the electorate has lost the “feel-good” factor – and is punishing him for it in the opinion polls. The Queen had been due to mark the 60th anniversary of her marriage to the Duke of Edinburgh in the company of her children and 60 close friends. We were especially taken by the quote later in the piece, from a “close friend” (we love that the Queen has “close friends”; it’s easy to forget that under all the mink and ermine she is still, at least to some degree, a nanna), stating that “The Queen always puts her jollifications after everything else has been considered.” We love it! Try using it in a sentence today: We had quite a few “jollifications” this weekend just past, and are paying for it now. More »

Princess Eugenie Scrubs Up Pretty Well!

11:35AM Jess McGuire | The Daily Mail has reported Fergie’s youngest child Princess Eugenie has just sat for her first official portrait, and it’s fair to say the results are rather pleasing for all involved. We imagine this photo is going straight to her Facebook account (MySpazz being dead and all). It is pleasing to note that Eugenie’s saintliness (and newly embraced inner hottie) has not been tarnished by her association with “undesirables” like Bob Geldof’s offspring… Unlike her cousins, William and Harry, the nearest Eugenie has come to a public scandal was being turned away from the VIP section at a music festival two years ago because the bouncer didn’t believe she was a princess. That’s not to say she doesn’t have her moments and with a possy of dubious friends including Peaches and Pixie Geldof, it’s no surprise that her own father admits she had been a “tearaway” at times. Would that be Pixie Geldof, Eugenie’s red hot lesbian lover? Britain’s Princess Eugenie has posted a loving message to Sir Bob Geldof’s daughter Pixie, on the internet site Facebook. The 17-year-old princess jokingly calls the 16-year-old rocker’s daughter her “lover” and says she can’t wait to see her again. Eugenie wrote on Pixie’s personal Facebook page: “Am seeing you in less than two days after it being nearly a year and I feel that is hideous behavior from both is us. Can’t handle another year with no love from my lover.” She then ends the message with 20 kisses. 10 kisses is hilarious japery. Fifteen, maybe bi-curious experimentation. But everyone knows that ending a playful Facebook wall post with 20 goddamn kisses is pretty much as close to fully-fledged Ellenism as one can get. Moving on. Let us turn to a commenter on the Daily Mail’s website for a nice summary of Eugenie’s spunky Tatler turn. After the makeover, she looks the best. - Ms D.Lee, Hong Kong Indeed, Ms D. Lee of Hong Kong. Indeed. More »

Chelsy Davy No Longer Feels Desire To See Harry Wear Nazi Uniform In Bedroom

11:50AM Clem Bastow | Poor widdle Prince Harry; what with all his public faux pas – drinking heavily, dressing inappropriately at costume parties, feeling a right tit – the last thing he needs is genuine heartbreak, but it appears that’s just what girlfriend Chelsy Davy has served him up a big, steaming plate of. It seems Harry skipped Chelsy’s 22nd birthday bash in order to attend the World Cup in Paris, and the blonde university student was not pleased. The relationship ended in a series of emotional telephone calls between Leeds and Lesotho in Africa where Harry is currently doing charity work. A friend also told the paper that the couple had got along better when they lived 6,000 miles apart. A spokeswoman for Clarence House said they did not comment on the prince’s private life. Well, they’ve probably given up commenting on his private life since it seems to involve something approaching Britney Spears’ mantra of “Eat it! Lick it! Snort it! F–k it!” Still, poor form, Hazza – just because you’re third in line to the throne, doesn’t mean you can wriggle your way out of the Fruity Lexia Tropicana and pigs-in-blankets at your GF’s birthday party! More »