Defamer Australia's fearless leader recently returned from New Zealand, and I was certain she was about to begin citizenship paperwork, such was her love for the land of the long white cloud. Well, hopefully this will give her a little pause for reminiscence - Christchurch police have put Robbie Coltrane on a wanted poster, since - like dentists - they can't show you the real face of the young criminal they are out to catch:

Highlights from the text are as follows:

'Because of the Children and Young Persons Act 1989 Police cannot show you a picture of the 16-year-old burglar operating in your neighbourhood,' it states.

'Robbie Coltrane is not the burglar but imagine him aged 16 with lank greasy hair and you have the picture.'

Bonus points to the local residents, who have reacted to the poster with the appropriate level of, er, vigilance:

One woman said: 'I am wondering what Robbie Coltrane would look like as a 16-year-old. I'm also wondering how he would get through the window of my house.'

Top work, PC Plods of Christchurch!

While All Saints is one of Defamer Australia's favourite topics of comedy, we were shocked to read that All Saints castmember, It Takes Two star and all 'round tops chick Virginia Gay had been assaulted in Sydney by two men thought to be responsible for the bashing death of a man not much later that same evening.

Police reports suggest Gay was lucky not to have also died from the blows dealt by the assailants.

It is understood that Ms Gay was attacked while walking back to her home after a late night stroll to the local shops to buy some groceries.

Fifteen minutes later, police believe, the men bashed and robbed a 30-year-old chef, Daniel Owen, who died as ambulance officers tried to save him.

Gay was attacked at 11.50pm on Saturday as she walked along Illawarra Road, Marrickville. It is understood she was admitted to a hospital casualty but was released the same night, nursing bruises but no broken bones.

The suspects are still at large and anyone with information is asked to phone Marrickville police on 9568 9299 or Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000.

However, I was about to sign off on the story before this passage decided to make my blood boil:

There was no answer at Ms Gay's Summer Hill address when smh.com.au knocked on the door this morning but her mother reportedly answered the door to journalists earlier and said the actor would not speak about the attack.

Oh gee, you think, guys? She's just been violently assaulted by men who - according to the rest of their night's activities - could've killed her and she's spending some down time being looked after by her mum. Are you really surprised that she didn't want to talk to you?

Defamer Australia sends its most heartfelt well wishes to Virginia and will not be knocking on her door any time soon.

Here's something from the totally shocking news department: Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault!

And here I was thinking she'd been spending her days looking after orphaned crippled children and playing with defenseless little kittens in a field full of daisies and baby animals under a pretty rainbow in Candy Land near the Sea Of Happiness.

I guess we all get misinformed sometimes.

Campbell, 37, was taken off a British Airways plane by officers on April 3 after she boarded a flight to Los Angeles in the United States and was told before takeoff that one of her bags was missing.

She is charged with five offences - three counts of assaulting a constable, one of disorderly conduct likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress and one of using threatening or abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew.

Campbell will appear in court in west London on June 20, her lawyer Simon Nicholls said, after she answered bail at Heathrow's police station.

If found guilty, she could face up to six months in prison and/or a fine of several thousand pounds.

So what does Naomi Campbell do when she's arrested as far as her 'one phone call' is concerned? Do they stick two Glad-Wrap core rolls to the phone (one for the ear, one for the mouth) and keep her handcuffed so she can't pick it up and throw it at someone?

In the criminal justice system, Newton-family-based offenses, particularly those involving bag-snatching and priceless family memories, are considered especially heinous. In Chadstone, The Fashion Capital, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Patti Newton vigilante taskforce. These are their stories.

DUNG DUNG!!

Two people will face a Melbourne court today charged with the theft of valuable jewellery belonging to entertainer Patti Newton.

...

Benjamin Thorpe, 32, and Rachel Ward, 34, both of Hampton East, have been charged with theft and possessing the proceeds of crime.

They were remanded to appear in Melbourne Magistrates Court today.

Just goes to show, when you're Australian entertainment industry royalty and you can throw a Police press conference and get it shown on every news bulletin in the state, you're probably likely to enjoy a higher success rate than those of us whose bags get nicked without being touched by the hand of God, i.e., Bert.

You can pretty much put Amy Winehouse in the bucket along with Pete Doherty when it comes to drug busts and arrests these days. Evidently as soon as word went out that Winegums had been busted for crack, she's been bailed.

Who can keep up in the fast-paced and exciting world of wasted talent and obliterated minds? It's FUN!

Scotland Yard said that "around 1pm (11pm AEST) today a 24-year-old woman from the Camden area attended a London police station by arrangement and was arrested in connection with the alleged possession of a controlled drug."

"This is in connection with an investigation connected to footage passed to the Metropolitan Police on January 22."

Winehouse was not named, in line with force policy, but a spokesman for the singer said: "Amy Winehouse voluntarily attended a London police station today by appointment.

"She was arrested in order to be interviewed and is co-operating fully with inquiries. The interview relates to a video handed to police earlier this year."

Scotland Yard said later she was released on bail.

Said video features Winegums apparently smoking crack, snorting coke and ecstasy, and presumably saying things that would make the combined editorial staff of The Sun and The Daily Mail spontaneously combust with excitement.

At this rate, the day she actually records something or releases new material, will anyone even notice? Perhaps that's all part of her master plan.

Things on the Wayne Carey front had gone eerily quiet after the fuss that was the first half of the year (and yes, I can say "first half of the year", because it's almost true and because at this rate there are only five more sleeps until Christmas when Santa Claus is bringing me a robot unicorn).

Which is probably a good thing for Carey, since he can just quietly slip this one past us all: he's been charged with assault.

Carey, 36, was charged on summons with three counts of assaulting police and three counts of resisting arrest, police said today.

Victoria Police today confirmed a 36-year-old has been charged on summons to appear at Melbourne Magistrates' Court on May 22.

Umm ahh - meanwhile, what's happened to Kate Neilson? Still chasing the big Brownlow gown in the sky? Has she been spotted hiding amongst the racks at Gasp or attempting to blend in in her natural environment (i.e. the sales rack at Crown Casino's Versace store)? Anyone, anyone?

When you use the phrase "police escort" in the same context as a term like, say, "recording artist", you generally think of artists like Elvis Presley, The Beatles and Whitney Houston, non?

Well, you can add the bane of sub-editors and style-guides everywhere, k.d. lang, to that list - the Canadian chanteuse apparently required an escort to the Rove studios on the weekend (why? Er, the plane was running late... or something), and it seems Victoria Police are not happy about the indulgence.

Shadow Minister for Police and Emergency Services Andrew McIntosh said overworked police would be disappointed to hear of the "waste of resources".

"Whether it was paid for or otherwise I would be questioning the value to the community of getting a singer to an interview on time," he said.

"Providing these resources is jeopardising public safety, when there are stations like Werribee and Sunshine where the resources just don't exist."

Well, Mr McIntosh, how do you know, like, that her car, um, might have had to drive through Sunshine and Werribee on the way? Yeah! Maybe she came from Avalon or some shit!

Honestly, this is all pretty stupid, particularly considering the buck-passing that's going on between her people, Roving Enterprises and Channel Ten. Who cares if she's late, it's live TV, make a gag out of it! Put on another of those hilarious stand-up comedians that Rove likes to feature!

The NSW Government has hilariously (although also vaguely disturbingly, in a Clockwork Orange-ish manner) decided that the best way to deal with boy (and girl) racers is to force them to watch footage of their precious 3 Fast 4 Furious cars being smashed to smithereens at the wreckers.

Honestly, not even Matt Stone and Trey Parker could make this stuff up.

Police Minister David Campbell said film of the cars being destroyed would be publicly released.

"Video footage of these once-prized possessions being turned into splintered, twisted scrap will be the clearest message yet to hoons that we're serious about stamping out their behaviour and saving lives in the process."

Word that Iemma and Campbell would also jump up and down in front of the offenders while screaming "Nerny nerny ner!" and poking their tongues out could not be confirmed nor denied.

Poor old Winegums. Just when things were looking up - gained a US work visa, husband not looking so much like a cut of raw fish, getting back in the studio - something comes along to knock her back down again - and this time it's a bunch of G men!

Yes, not long after Amy was out and about celebrating dad Mitch's birthday (he delivered her home in his black cab, aww!), the police broke down Winegums' door and spent a good three hours rifling around in her stuff.

What were they looking for? Who knows!

Police were refusing to comment on the 5pm raid, only saying: "It is part of an ongoing operation."

Three armed officers and ten plainclothes officers broke into the house, which was empty at the time.

Miss Winehouse had earlier fled to her father's home in Kent while her husband left the house an hour earlier.

The officers left carrying several boxes.

Four men, two aged 25, one aged 22 and a 19-year-old, were later arrested in east London in connection with the raid.

Winegums' spokesperson later told the press it had "nothing to do with drugs", so god knows what it actually was to do with!

At the risk of sounding like a cracked record, however, we're sure it has plenty to do with that no good husband of hers.

Boy, when did we turn into a 1950s town gossip?