Seemingly even before the virtual newsprint ink had dried on some of the most shameless punning headlines in recent memory - "Kerr-Splat", "Kerr-Bloom Kerr-Put", "Love's Bloom Is Lost" - it seems that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom's apparent split (and further, her alleged seeking of solace in the arms of Brandon "Oily Peanut Butter Elvis" Davis) was little more than a scurrilous rumour.

We know this because Miranda's little brother has come out guns blazing!

22-year-old Matthew Kerr is in a solid position to denounce the rumours - he was with his famous sister when she was chatting to Davis at the venue.

"We were just out with a few other friends from Australia having a good time and we bumped into Brandon while we were at 10ak," Matthew said.

"They have been friends for a while and we just said hi, chatted for a bit and that was it," he said.

"There definitely wasn't any kissing - nothing could be further from the truth."

However, not to be outdone, the Daily Telegraph and news.com.au found the time to squeeze in one last double whammy of punning excellence, with the titles of these linked-in galleries:

# Pictures: Kerriffic
# Pictures: Phwoarlando

We've already heard enough stars insisting that those sex scenes we find either major turn-ons (Mickey Rourke force-feeding Kim Basinger strawberries on the kitchen floor in 9 1/2 Weeks) or majorly eye-scarring (Heather Graham faking her way through grainy limo thrusts in Boogie Nights) are totally perfunctory while filming. With the massive crew surrounding them, the sudden lighting checks, and simple fact that they've gotta feign spontaneous heat take after take, we've leaned towards taking their word for it. And as it turns out, no matter how big the star or legendary their prowess in the bedroom, even simple kissing scenes with the most gorgeous A-listers around range from "awkward and sweaty" to "slightly icky and sort of wet." Where Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio and more rank on the list of Worst On-Screen Kissers after the jump.

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When news that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer got together for a "touchy, feely" lunch date and dinner in Miami over the weekend broke, the entire community of celebrity observers and glossy magazine readers let out a big ol' collective yawn. Aniston has been linked to (and we're roughly estimating here) seven hundred or so possible paramours since her split with Brad Pitt, and Mayer has pulled what Liz Phair would call the all-too-common "fuck and run" on so many starlets that he earned Us's "Cad of the Year" award. But just because the gossip is yawnworthy doesn't mean there isn't a larger issue here: mainly, is Aniston really dating or trying to date all these guys-of-the-month, or is this charade her publicist's idea of spinning her post-divorce life into an unglamorous version of Sex And The City?

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As if it hasn't been patently obvious to anyone with eyes, Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have been in each others' pants giving each other a good Nichiren Buddhism seeing each other for some time now.

Well, appropriately since Miranda is, how could we forget, A Good Aussie Girl™, they have "gone public" with their luuuurve at the Randwick races this weekend just past - and the Herald Sun didn't resist the chance to get all romance novel on our asses:

The couple were at ease and very much in love, often stealing a kiss during quiet moments, with Bloom wrapping his arm around Kerr.

Some other favourites include "finally gained some much needed curves" (= "has been eating all the pies") and "looking fresh faced and fabulous" (= "for Christ's sake, put some makeup on you monster"). Feel free to add your own to our growing dictionary.

The Anti-Idea Train rolled inexorably closer to derailing today with word that Orlando Bloom is among principals involved in remaking Le Cercle Rouge, the great Jean-Pierre Melville heist film from 1970. We don't know what flip-flopped our stomachs more: the idea of the milquetoast Bloom slipping into the role of brooding French icon Alain Delon; or maybe the thoroughly incompatible Hong Kong crime auteur Johnnie To inheriting Melville's modest reins; or maybe it's just the mere thought that an English-language do-over flatly titled Red Circle will enter the stolid, stinking cosmos of Things That Make Us Sob Bitterly. We expected more from Gallic production giants Studio Canal, whose $40 million budget also covers co-stars Liam Neeson, Chow Yun-Fat and evidently enough insurance to cover the souls of all involved. Bob Weinstein would be sooooo proud. [THR]

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Sorry about the title, we were just so excited for Local Girl Made Good™ Miranda Kerr's latest news that we had an attack of the Picnic At Hanging Rocks. To that news: as though snaring Orlando Bloom and being a Victoria's Secret Angel and all wasn't enough for Kerr, it looks as though she's set to be the new face of David Jones after Megan Gale stepped down a month or so ago.

And she'll be compensated generously for her troubles, with a rumoured six-figure sum inked into her contract. Because, you know, it's a hard life 'n' shit.

The 23-year-old's youth and beauty, which has propelled her meteoric rise on the international fashion scene, is believed to have impressed DJ executives scouting for generational change.

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Maybe there's no need to feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston after all. Despite the tear-drenched interviews post-Brangelina, the constant inductions of Chosen Ones, and all the hits and misses when it comes to on-set dating, Jen may not have to spend her spare time on-set chatting up whoever happens to be standing next to her in line at the craft service table. Several reports claim that Orlando Bloom spent his Friday night flirting with Aniston at a party thrown by Hollywood hairdresser to the stars, Ken Paves. But as you might recall, this isn't the first time Orlandiston sparked rumours. Back in October, the pair were spotted in Mexico sharing the same veranda in skimpy swimwear (pictures after the jump)...

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Even though the Warner Bros. ax has yet to fall around New Line headquarters and the Tolkien family still wants its cash for The Lord of the Rings saga, Sir Ian McKellen took to his blog (We know! We're as stunned as you are) Wednesday to confirm he's "keeping [his] diary open for 2009" to reprise his role as Gandalf in The Hobbit. But that's only the half of McKellen's big gay update, which also includes hot nose-tweaking action and yawning confirmations of his LOTR co-stars' heterosexuality:

I did feel the need to tweak (New Line co-founder Michael Lynne's) nose once, when he seemed to be trying to diddle the cast of LOTR out of their well-earned share of the profits. It was at a party in Berlin after the opening of The Return of the King. I said "That's for all the trouble you've been causing!" I don't know who was more surprised: Michael, that I had taken his nose in my finger and thumb and twisted it gently, or me for having dared do it! At least one of us enjoyed it.

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PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often--the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Stephen Hawking flirting shamelessly with a restaurant hostess in Pasadena.

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They've been rumoured to be dating since last year, all the while choosing to institute the 'just good friends' policy, but it's now become apparent that Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr and not-very-good-but-very-good-looking actor Orlando Bloom will have to resort to bald-faced lying if they are to continue denying their relationship.

After apparently spending time together in New York and even, if you believe the spies, Sydney, the leggy pair have been spotted out and about in London.

He's the heart-throb of thousands of women, but there's bad news, girls - actor Orlando Bloom seems stuck on supermodel Miranda Kerr.

The pair, who have been seeing each other on and off since last April, were spotted enjoying a late-night embrace after a romantic evening out in London last week.

In fact, if we may take a moment to play Who Weekly Body Language Expert, Orlando's employment of a loving Cro Magnon neck grip on Miranda, who is attempting to stick her nose into his eye-socket as a protective sign of affection, is all the evidence we need that Miranda is in fact pregnant and that Orlando used to be a woman from Haiti with commitment issues.

Or something like that; we haven't quite achieved our Certificate III in body language analysis.