The recent taping of Bob Saget's Comedy Central Roast was bound to take a wrong turn sooner or later — sooner, in fact, if the comic's filthy inner circle evinced in The Aristocrats and other blue rooms over the years had anything to do with it. In fact, we'd bet dollars to donuts that the Gilbert Gottfried riff below was merely a mild, early pacesetter for an even more sordid night to come, which should roughly result in a seven-minute broadcast on Aug. 17 after the censors get a hold of it. We're told this clip is among those slashed, but really, aren't the Olsen Twin molestation gags we've been hearing about almost too easy under the circumstances? Would Candace Cameron jokes just be too on the nose? You tell us after the jump, and come on, Gil — don't get soft on us now.

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After attending a New York movie screening with rumoured new boyfriend Justin Bartha last night, it appears that Ashley Olsen is about to finally make her new relationship public. And after years of tracking the Olsen Twins, we have to admit that we are more than a bit mystified by how these two ended up as a couple. The deliciously handsome actor, sort of memorable from National Treasure (for those of you bold enough to admit you've seen it), is about to become far more memorable after appearing opposite Catherine Zeta-Jones in next year's The Rebound. But more on our new crush this guy later. The question we can't quite answer yet has to do with both Olsens and their laundry list of former flings. Never failing to shock, both Mary Kate and Ashley have one of the most eccentric, baffling and WTF dating history between them. We examine each of their previous love interests in an attempt to figure out what exactly they find attractive, why they pick who they pick, and upon discovering quite the few lookers in the bunch, why these guys pick them, after the jump.

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No blog, talking head or alcoholic British songbird can compete with PETA when it comes to snark. For decades, the animal lovers have verbally beheaded countless starlets for their fur and snakeskin accessories, but only recently have their targets bitten back. After seeing a recent photo of plumper-than-usual Jessica Simpson sporting one of those so-last-season message t-shirts reading "Real Girls Eat Meat," we wondered how many of her peers have boldly set themselves up for one of PETA's trademark white powder massacres. Having called Nicole Richie "an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match," advising Ashley Olsen that "wearing fur does add 20 pounds, but if [she] wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead," and telling Lindsay Lohan "there's no road to recovery for the foxes who are anally electrocuted so that you can look skanky," has PETA inspired any other starlets to publicly react just as vehemently? We take a look at the ongoing battles after the jump.

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The long-running war between the celebrity-obsessed activists at PETA and the tiny fur-obsessed Olsen Twins makes Cruise v. Shields scrap look like the Anglo-Zanzibar War in comparison. In the past, we've tended to laugh along as PETA got huffy at the tiny millionaires every time they insisted on draping themselves in the former coats of lions, tigers and bears during August heat waves, but a statement from the borderline bestiality fan group released today has us wondering which is worse: designing a (generally critically praised) collection including fur, or catty threats viciously aimed at the pair:

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We're fans of surprises here at Defamer, especially when they involve young female stars in bikinis. So when we came across these photos of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen in their itty bitty swimsuits on Egotastic, we were admittedly shocked. Considering all those years-old anorexia rumours, coupled with endless paparazzi shots making the tiny twins look roughly 80 pounds combined, we'd expect a somewhat fear-filled reaction upon seeing MK and Ash undressed. But you know what? Hugh Hefner may not have been crazy after all when he decided the twins would be ideal candidates for his next Playboy spread. Even if the camera does add poundage, we're seeing muscle tone and curves. Take a closer look at the full gallery, up close and personal, after the jump.

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Usually, when PETA is determined to make a dramatic statement about animal abuse, it dispatches Pamela Anderson to march in front of a food-court KFC stall, naked but for the blood-soaked feathers of brutally massacred chickens clinging to her iconic, surgically enhanced curves, a protest that lasts until every potential patron is finally forced to take their business to a nearby Tofu Hut. Today, however, the organisation has undertaken a decidedly more ambitious campaign, unloading both outraged barrels on the Olsen Twins, who've made the unfortunate choice to include items containing animal fur in their signature homeless-chic fashion line.Above, we've excerpted the safe-for-work part of their "Full House of Horrors" video, in which a character named Futureman travels back through sitcom time to warn the Tanner clan about the mink-hating monster they're raising, but you'll have to hit PETA's full version to see what grisly fate befalls the cute critter on their TV.

• Meet The Trollsen Twins [Peta.org]

An Olsen twin is down! An Olsen is down! Thankfully, according to the rep for the Mary-Kate half (the one on Weeds, as you surely recall) of Hollywood's richest set of formerly conjoined twins, the just-announced hospitalisation was for a "kidney infection," an explanation far less suspicious than the "exhaustion" and "dehydration" excuses forever tainted by flacks for the actress's more-troubled, serially rehabbing peers. [People]

Ever the polished lady, Winegums was out partying with the Olsen twins this week, even wearing a party frock and high heels (as opposed to her hateful ballet flats, which she has been wearing since approximately 1996), but neglected to extend her newly tizzed up look to her paws.

The singer looked fabulous as she arrived at a restaurant launch wearing an orange and gold metallic shift dress, and an olive green trenchcoat.

But on closer inspection her hands were revealed to be red-raw, and scarred, with her thumb looking particularly scabbed.

Meanwhile, friend and collaborateur Mark Ronson - who Winegums sent to the Q Awards to pick up her gong - managed to leave her Best Album statuette in the dunnies. That's what friends are for!

The gong was left in the toilets at Bar Soho in London's Old Compton Street, where Mark Ronson, who earlier collected the award in her absence, was seen partying until 2am.

But it is possible Amy's Valerie duet partner was not entirely to blame - some reported last seeing the award in the hands of comedians Alan Carr and Ricky Gervais.

It's been so long since our last viewing of New York Minute, the last big Hollywood project the then-still-conjoined Olsen Twins took on before electing for a controversial separation surgery that effectively ended their acting careers, that we'd forgotten which half of the duo we'd once believed to possess all their acting talent.

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Ranking at the very top of a list we keep of Celebrity Pairs We Hope To Never See Making Out - and beating out such unholy couplings as Peter O'Toole/Nicole Richie and Elizabeth Taylor/Haley Joel Osment - has long been Sir Ben Kingsley and either of the Olsen Twins, the subjects of one our most troubling recurring dreams. (We will spare you the details, no matter how fiercely you beg us to share them. Just know that a messy chocolate souffle is involved. We've said too much!) But thanks to the upcoming indie film The Wackness, we'll soon have the opportunity to see the much-unclamoured-for Kingsley/Mary-Kate osculation outside of our fragile, obviously very damaged subconscious. Worse still is the way in which Sir Ben describes his co-star to Access Hollywood:

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