oh the humanity
German Schoolboy Happy To Confirm Humanity Is Roughly 100 Times More Rooted Than First Thought
9:53AM Clem Bastow | We will return you to the usual programming in just a moment, but we thought it pertinent to let you all know that we now have a one-in-450 chance of being wiped out by tsunamis and sun-blocking dust clouds in either 2029 or 2036.
How do we know this? Because some smartarse little German schoolboy, Nico Marquardt, “corrected” NASA’s calculations regarding the Apophis asteroid, which was previously thought to have a one-in-45,000 chance of totally ruining humanity’s party.
Both NASA and Marquardt agree that if the asteroid does collide with Earth, it will create a ball of iron and iridium 320 metres wide and weighing 200 billion tonnes, which will crash into the Atlantic Ocean.
The shockwaves from that would create huge tsunami waves, destroying both coastlines and inland areas, whilst creating a thick cloud of dust that would darken the skies indefinitely.
The 13-year old made his discovery as part of a regional science competition for which he submitted a project entitled: “Apophis – The Killer Astroid”.
Whaddya reckon, is Nico likely to be being hoisted on the shoulders of his schoolmates right now, or being pelted with sandwiches and rotten apples for more accurately predicting that we’ll all die in a Michael Bay-esque doomsday scenario? More » 
Is It Wrong That We Get Excited When We See The Words “Magic Trick” And “Gone Horribly Wrong” Used Within Earshot Of Each Other?
2:47PM Clem Bastow | We’ve been too flat out to see much of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival so far, however, had we known that there was a chance someone might get razorbladed through the head, we may well have cleared our schedule to make sure we were there to witness it!
It seems that a magic trick at one of the MICF’s many shows didn’t turn out as planned – but a veil of secrecy was quickly thrown over any audience members who might have wanted to walk out loudly exclaiming, “I can’t believe he fit four beer bottles up his bum before they finally smashed!”
Which was probably not what happened, but we’re doing the best we can to piece together a likely story with the vague details that are emerging:
The trick went awry during the Something About Razorblades and Nails show at the Northcote Town Hall on Sunday night.
An audience member, who wished to remain anonymous, told Confidential that “something went horribly wrong”.
More » 