not lol

The Greatest Trailer Of The Year Proves Depressingly Prescient

6:03PM Clem Bastow | We like an ultraviolent shoot/rip/stab/burn/behead-’em-up as much as the next person, so have been enjoying the trailer for the upcoming Rambo installment for the last few months. However, when the events in Burma started to make the trailer look less like an ripping action yarn and more like a documentary, the fun fizzled. Well, Sylvester Stallone has this morning spoken of witnessing atrocities in the region while filming John Rambo (the latest in the series, which he is currently editing) along the border of Burma. “I witnessed the aftermath – survivors with legs cut off and all kinds of land mine injuries, maggot-infested wounds and ears cut off. We saw many elephants with blown off legs. We hear about Vietnam and Cambodia and this was more horrific,” Stallone told Associated Press. “Shots were fired over the film crew’s heads and we did receive threats,” he said. Sly is now planning to interview survivors and use John Rambo to raise their profile. We’re not sure how well scenes of Rambo liquefying the junta with his tank gun will go down with those who are also trying to speak out against the regime, but at least he’s doing something. Failing this, of course, they could just send Rambo in to sort things out. Because Rambo is real, right? More »

The Unfolding Mystery Of Chipshop’s Un-Miscarriage

12:31PM Clem Bastow | We touched on Kerry “Chipshop” Katona’s pregnancy issues earlier in the week, so we were saddened to read this morning that the ex-Mrs Brian McFadden had suffered a miscarriage – until we switched tabloids and discovered that, apparently, she didn’t miscarry after all. Confused? So are we (and, we’re guessing, so is Kerry). Her publicist Max Clifford added: “After further examination it has been revealed that Kerry Katona is still pregnant. “Kerry went back into hospital for a medical procedure on Tuesday night. “However, a blood test revealed surprising results – her pregnancy hormones had gone up, not down. “Kerry was taken for a second scan and was shown her baby’s 3mm heart beat. It has transpired that Kerry is only five weeks pregnant, not seven-eight weeks, which is why the scan was not clear and coupled with bleeding led to her being diagnosed with having had a miscarriage.” We’d say something about women learning to wait until the three-month mark to announce their pregnancies, but somehow doubt – as much as it pains us to admit it – that Chipshop is fervently browsing Defamer Australia in her hospital bed. So does this mean that the British press can go back to blaming her troubles on pre-natal “enjoyment” of class A drugs now? Tune in next week! More »

Michael Hutchence’s Mum Accuses “Satan” Geldof Of Wanting Tiger Lily’s Inheritance; We’re Sure Nanna Wants None Of It, Of Course

9:55AM Clem Bastow | The rather sad and sorry tale of Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily continues to bubble along, with her grandmother, Michael Hutchence’s mother Patricia Glassop, launching another attack on Bob Geldof. All this kerfuffle is supposedly for the love of Tigerlily, as usual, and certainly not about her inheritance or anything like that. Here are some highlights Referring to his much-used nickname of Saint Bob, Patricia said: “He’s certainly not a saint, I can’t see that side of him at all. “I think he is Satan.” … “I am not allowed to speak to her on the phone. He’s even changed the phone number.” … She accused Geldof of greed, saying: “Whoever gets the child gets the inheritance. He has control of Michael’s “money”. Hmm, wasn’t there talk a while back of there actually being no money in Hutchence’s “inheritance”? And given that poor little Tiger Lily is old enough to read the papers and watch the news, we wish the lot of them would just shut up. More »

Late Taronga Rhino Allegedly Followed In Paper-Eating Russian Models’ Footsteps By Feasting On Sand

11:18AM Clem Bastow | The Lord of zoos giveth and taketh away at Taronga Zoo. While ridiculously cute baby giraffe Jimiyu has arrived safely at the high-security resort with stunning harbourside views, an autopsy report has revealed that rhinoceros Kua – who died on June 4th this year – suffered a sadder fate than initially thought: A rare rhinoceros at Sydney’s Taronga Zoo was pregnant, emaciated and ulcerated when she died, according to an autopsy report. Kua, a greater one-horned rhinoceros who died on June 4, also had the equivalent of about seventy litres of sand trapped in her large intestine, Fairfax newspapers report. Zoo staff said questions about how so much sand ended up inside Kua were irrelevant. “At the end of the day, what difference does it make?” asked Taronga Zoo’s senior veterinarian, Larry Vogelnest. … Sources within the zoo allege Kua developed the blockage by eating her sand-based bedding out of hunger. The report noted that not until her autopsy was it discovered that she was nine months pregnant. The report also noted that Kua was on a carefully managed diet to prevent excessive weight gain. The animal’s carers at the Zoo had noted that Kua seemed unhappy in her new home in the months before her untimely end. But before your itchy Animal Precinct finger gets a-dialling, the RSPCA did not find that the Zoo had breached any animal cruelty laws in their handling of the creature, making this just another sad dead rhinoceros story. We here at Defamer Australia hope that Kua is hanging out on the rainbow bridge and eating a delicious dessert that merely looks like sand. More »