morons

A Compelling Portrait Of The Average Herald Sun Reader

10:10AM Clem Bastow | We know it’s neither big nor clever to laugh at the afflicted, but this morning we couldn’t help but find our eyes wandering to the “You Said It” feature on the Herald Sun’s online Confidential page. And, well, let’s just let the reader speak for themselves, shall we? Melbourne’s Herald Sun, ladies and gentlemen: proof that you may well be the Newspaper Of The Year, but that barely literate monkeys at typewriters appear to make up the bulk of your readership. Andrew Bolt will be doubly shocked! Michelle at 12.43am today, we salute you. WE LOVE SLL DA SONS U MAD!! More »

Zoo Magazine In Being-Tools “Shock”

12:45PM Clem Bastow | Well, this is surprising news for a Monday! After pulling such witty publicity stunts as offering a reader a boob job and searching for the hottest feminist, Zoo Weekly have come up with another hilarious competition: win a divorce! That’s right, as their website reads, “Tired of being shackled to the woman of your nightmares? Want to break free from the rut of married life? Then enter our Win a Divorce Competition!” Here’s what editor Paul Merrill says: “When a marriage fails it’s always sad but what’s even sadder is being stuck under the same roof as someone who’s shagged your best mate or something. “This is hopefully going to encourage people to see the error of their ways and get out rather than put up with 40 years of misery.” Asked if the competition could be viewed as encouraging divorce, Merrill said: “You’d have to be pretty nutty to enter a competition to win a divorce if you’re happily married.” Oh, we get it – it’s a humanitarian effort! They’re trying to help these guys. How sensitive of them! Call us cynics, but we’d hazard a guess that not only is a large slice of the Zoo readership probably unmarried, we suspect some of them may actually have never felt the touch of a female human! More »

La Correspondent Demonstrates ‘Being A Knob’ Prerequisite For 2Day Fm Employment

9:35AM Clem Bastow | We can’t say we’re massively surprised to find this out, but it seems that 2Day FM’s LA correspondent, dispatched to cover the Oscars red carpet and press room, was a bit of a f–kwit and ended up riling up both the stars and those covering the event in a fell swoop for Australian entertainment diplomacy. Michael “Sydney” O’Neill challenged Kyle Sandilands for employee of the month status by acting like a cock while carrying out the sorts of hilarious stunts we’ve come to know and love 2Day FM’s programming for, including trying to piss off Daniel Day-Lewis – who had just come offstage following his There Will Be Blood win – with dumb questions about how he “relaxes” (no, we don’t “get” the joke, either). After several attempts at dismissing the repeated line of questioning, an explosive Day-Lewis told O’Neill it was “none of your f…ing business” what he did in his downtime. Earlier, O’Neill was turned away from the Kodak Theatre red carpet by event organisers for defying the strict black-tie dress code – which is applied to all working media – as well as the A-list stars. The 2DayFM staffer had arrived wearing jeans and an Akubra, but was sent back to his hotel to change into black pants before being allowed to rejoin other media representatives for the post-awards press conference. “All of the media were explicitly told in advance that it was black-tie for everyone in the media room,” a Los Angeles insider told Confidential yesterday “with tuxes for the guys and floor-length gowns for the ladies”. “When he came back he was whinging about it being like school,” the source said. Michael “Sydney” O’Neill, could you be the new Quentin? We would have particularly enjoyed this story if it involved Day-Lewis dishing out to O’Neill a fate similar to the one suffered by preacher Eli in Blood, only using his Oscar instead of a bowling pin. More »

New Ltd Subs Break New Ground In Hilariously Understated Headline-Writing

9:33AM Clem Bastow | Let’s just say you were a bit of a ‘head in the clouds’ type, right? And you like riding your motorcycle, okay? Only here’s the thing: you’d picked up a BBQ from hard rubbish and, being a bit of a thrifty sort, thought you might take it home and give it a second lease on life – following? And then, like, you think, “I know, I’ll carry the barbie home – by putting it over my body like something out of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and riding the motorcycle down the freeway, yeah? Right, so you get it home only to discover that a) your flatmates are laughing at you and/because b) someone had taken a photo of you carrying the BBQ and the Hun had published it, leading to a.i) even more people laughing at you, your housemates laughing at you even more, and even your own mother suggesting you change your name via deed poll to ‘Dickhead McIdiotness’. How do you think the paper’s online subediting team would react to all this? If the image above was roughly what popped into your head, then, waiter! Another serve of Walkley Awards for the party at table six! More »

Delta Goodrem Hates Australia

12:48PM Clem Bastow | You’d think with Brian “Potato” McFadden more or less deserting the UK for other shores upon which to “relaunch” his solo career, and Delta “Postmodern Mermaid Fantasy” Goodrem being, you know, Australian and everything, that the celebrity couple would choose this wide brown land within which to host their no-doubt glittering upcoming wedding, right? Not so – apparently Delta plans to be a surrendered wife and follow Potato to the middle of outer Mongolia, or wherever is deemed to be “in the middle” of all their prospective hometowns. While no official date has been set for the big day, the pair say they are looking at Bali as a possible location. “We have friends all over the world so we’d like it to be somewhere in the middle,” McFadden told OK! Magazine. Oh yes, Bali, that’s smack in the middle of the UK and Australia! Since Geography doesn’t seem to be Potato’s strongpoint, we’d like to suggest a few alternatives that really are “in the middle”: * Yemen! * Saudi Arabia! * The Gaza Strip! * a pontoon in the middle of The Red Sea! We can hear the OK! phones ringing hot already. Just send us a slice of the cake as thanks, Potato. More »