So everyone's well aware of the chart woes currently affecting Australian Idol winner Natalie Gauci (who will be referred to as The Gauch from hereon in, just because we can). Suffering from a severe bout of Casey-itis, it seems The Gauch's victory at the Opera House finale last year hasn't been enough to guarantee album sales, with her single Here I Am only managing to reach the dizzying heights of the #2 position (good under normal circumstances, but when you're part of the Idol juggernaut and the associated publicity power that comes with it, not so good) and her album debuting at #12.

But even we were surprised when checking out the 50 members of the Facebook group "I NEED A GIG IN MELBOURNE!!!!!!" to see her name pop up.

Surely Sony-BMG aren't forcing her to arrange her own shows via Facebook?! This'd never have happened to Matt Corby - IT IS A TRAVESTY!

Poor The Gauch :(

On the upside, she's not alone. Former E-Street star (and deliverer of The World's Greatest Lyrics TM - "If you wanna wait til later, hands off my detonator") Melissa Tkautz is also part of the shouty group. Can we organise a Gauch/Tkautz double-header at a small, intimate venue like The Empress? We'd pay the $7 cover charge. Anything to support our Australian Idol!

One of our favourite songwriters - and MySpazz chum - Stephen Cummings recently posted a blog entry on the site in which he recalled his experience working with Melissa Tkautz. It is, to put it bluntly, quite brilliant.

"what woman wouldn't want to be on the front cover of FHM?"

"Cumming's written songs for and toured with a ballet company, and written jingles while dabbling in record production. His last job as a producer was working with soap pop singer Melissa Tkautz, whom he describes as the ideal talent because she spent most of the day shopping and only came into the studio to quickly cut vocal tracks." Rolling Stone magazine.

That's true. Regrettably, the recordings were never made available. I do have a copy; perhaps I'll stick it on this site. In essence, Melissa sounds like Kylie. You must recall "Read My Lips" and "Sexy Is The Word". It was a surreal experience. What was Melissa like? She was stunning; she had incredibly translucent skin. She was really other worldly.

Or perhaps that's because Richard Wilkins accompanied her. Yes him. He was her manager or adviser or Svengali. Melissa's most memorable quote was, "what woman wouldn't want to be on the front cover of FHM?" Exactly, or damned straight as you young folk say.

Anyway, it was Melissa and the guys from 'Filthy Lucca' of "Treaty" fame - Gavin, Paul & Goodgie and myself. We wrote one song and re-arranged some other track. Gavin, who ran many gay clubs round Melbourne took her shopping. Melissa loved his jeans.

Anyway, in due course she had to sing and I went in to the studio with only the engineer and tried to coax her through the songs. It was a hard slog. She was very nervous and her voice wasn't great. That of course was unimportant. Nevertheless, she had to bring some feeling to the track.

Richard Wilkins dug his elbow into my ribs, "Do you mind," he whispered and snapped his finger on the talkback button. He immediately berated and cajoled and sweet-talked and threatened Melissa. I was fascinated and repelled. Would I have to punch this cad?

No, as it turned out. The engineer rolled the tape and she sang it with as much emotion as she was capable off and rushed in to get a big hug from her mainman. He did what PC me could never do, and what was more annoying it worked. They racked off to the Como for drinks and we got Kyle's backing singers in to double everything. She was nice, just very young and very confused and what was she doing with him?

Oh yeah, every chemist seems seems to have that Is it fat or is it fluid? slogan plastered across there windows. In my case its fluid. No really.

S.

Stephen also once described seeing Kylie and Jason with the following wonderfully expressive words.

Long ago I was on a plane heading for Sydney, sitting in front of me were, Kyle and Jason. They were both dressed in white and had matching panama hats. When they stood up they looked like melting icecream cones. That's true. She was very tiny. I realise this recollection is hardly earth shattering. But doesn't it make you feel good to know I care?

Yes it does, Stephen. Yes it does.

We just heard from a very good source that, back in the day (ie. the nineties), E Street star and conduit for the most amazing lyric in pop history ("If you want to wait til later, hands off my detonator!") Melissa Tkautz used to let Richard Wilkins place himself inside her.

Allegedly.

Inside her.

Wilkins.

Tkautz.

Sex.

That is all.

Allegedly.