malibu

Hey, Where Did All Our Soaps Go During This Wildfire Stuff?

6:00AM Defamer US Edition | You know what’s like, totally boring? All this snoresville wildfire talk on the TV! Burning this, property loss that…if you’ve seen one smoldering Malibu mansion, you’ve seen them all. And where have momma’s damn stories gone? Mercifully, the crew at KABC 7 broke in a little while ago to let us know where we can turn to get the soap fix that will help housebound viewers like us through this difficult time. While we’re waiting for Pat Robertson’s prayers to finally extinguish the flames God has sent down from above, we need our General Hospital time more than ever. KABC 7 [abclocal.go.com/kabc] More »

Short Ends: Boos, Betrayal, And Great Surfing

7:00AM Mark Wilson | It’s official: Paris Hilton is Hollywood’s must-have awards show punching bag. And though you can’t hear it in the video, a heckler threw in a “Fuck you, bitch” after the boos for good measure. · Francis Ford Coppola claims that the things he supposedly said about Pacino, De Niro, and Nicholson being fat and happy sell-outs in GQ were all taken out of context. · Even though the flames consuming Malibu looked pretty gnarly, the waves lapping at the largely evacuated beach remained tasty. (Have surfers come up with any new words since Fast Times? We’re painfully out of touch with beach patois.) · In a scandal sure to shake the world of celebrity-endorsed diet programs to its very foundation, Jenny Craig shill Kirstie Alley was spotted having some cheap CostCo weight-loss shakes smuggled to her home. Broken knees and anguished promises to never again violate Jenny’s trust to follow. More »

The Governator Vs. The Wildfires

6:35AM Defamer US Edition | We’ve long been sceptical about the Californian Governor’s ability to inspire his fellow Californians during a time in crisis, but following his Malibu address of earlier today, we’re utterly confident that he’s ready to rise to the challenge placed before him. If we had to pinpoint the exact moment of the briefing in which Schwarzenegger won our devotion, it would be when he crumpled up a scripted statement about how he planned to “terminate” the wildfires and, somewhat nonsensically, “crush them, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentations of their women,” realising that we no longer need to be reminded of his glorious Hollywood past to follow his lead, just hear honest, direct, and calmingly monotone words letting us know he’s got things under control. More »