lulz
Your Understated Uk Tabloid Headline Of The Day
10:25AM Clem Bastow | It’s no secret to anyone – or at least, it shouldn’t be – that no one does ridiculous “human interest” stories like the UK papers do. From stories of electrocution and alien abduction to classics of the “Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster” ilk, nobody does it better.
So, I was pleased this morning while doing my daily Winegums/etc trawl to come across this subtle little pull on the front page of the Daily Mail:
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Seriously, is this news to them? Anyone who knows anyone who farms sheep will tell you that ravens and crows aren’t the nicest birds to have around when the ewes are lambing, still, we commend the Mail on their calm and measured journalism.
Hands up who reckons that the granddaddy of the Daily Mail heard Orson Welles’ The War Of The Worlds broadcast and thought, “Now that’s what I call journalism!” before rushing to the presses to get started? More » 
Your Hilarious (And Yet, Cultured) Headline Of The Day
3:18PM Clem Bastow | You know, here in Australia, the whole opera business is pretty subdued. Sure, we had Operatunity! – which was compelling in a particularly no-frills, ABC manner – but our opera “stars” keep a reasonably low profile and in general it’s just something you occasionally frock up to go and see, or something that teenage boys whinge about when it appears in the opening ceremonies of their favourite sporting events.
We wish it were more like it appears to be in the UK, if the following story is anything to go by:
Evidently Juan Pablo di Pace agreed to a gig posing nude in a lavish photoshoot to promote the Royal Opera’s production of Rigoletto (no, not the spaghetti sauce, you philistines), figuring he was at the time performing in the opera and it was good exposure – er, not in that way, but we see what you did there – only to find that the art department had, well, reduced his package considerably:
He claims a crucial part of his anatomy has been air-brushed unflatteringly, making it appear much smaller than it is in real life.
In fact, the opera house has been accused of “shrinking” his manhood so much in a 2005 version of the poster that it “made it look like he barely had one at all”.
As a result of the complaints made by 28-year-old di Pace’s lawyers, who also claimed he had not been paid for use of the image, the Royal Opera House has agreed to stop using the poster.
Poor love, we can see where he’s coming from – you can inspect his tackle here in the original artwork, and we almost feel an NSFW warning is unnecessary because, well, there’s not much that’s NS about poor Juan Pablo’s airbrushed bits.
If it’s any consolation, Juan Pablo, based on the other photo supplied (i.e. of your face), and knowing that it’s not what you got, it’s how you use it, we’d still hit it! More » 
News Ltd Photo Editors Attempt To Kickstart Lolunderbelly Meme; Residents Of “File-Sharing Era” Unimpressed
6:28PM Clem Bastow | While we’re still sulking about the fact that Underbelly has been banned from airing in Victoria (harrumph, thanks a lot, Justice Betty King, whoever YOU think you are, etc), we a) naturally thought “Oh well, time to hop on the P2P networks get our friends in Sydney to tape it for us” and thus, b) were mightily amused by this chilling News Ltd mock-up of what might happen in this heady technological era where banning a television show is NO OBSTACLE to people on the internets (click for full size):
We’re particularly amused by the portentous caption, “BitTorrent…” – that ellipsis says so much – “almost certainly undermine”, etc. Just imagine it being read out by a Fox News announcer with all the relevant (i.e. irrelevant) emphasis on certain words, or perhaps in the same tone as the old Grim Reaper campaign. And why only “63%”? Is it a coded message? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Even the headline of the story is over the top: “Underbelly ban useless in file-sharing era”.
USELESS!
WATCH OUT FOR YOUR PASSWORDS!
EPIC LULZ, NEWS LTD D00DZ! More » 
Letting The Headline Do The Talking: Kylie Minogue Edition
11:42AM Clem Bastow | You know, here at Defamer Australia, we pride ourselves on our ability to bash out witty headlines, day in, day out.
However, sometimes a story comes along that says, “I see your witty headlines and I laugh in the face of them.”
Such a story ran today in The Sun. To wit:
Now, don’t worry, Kylie hasn’t subscribed to scurrilous rumours that suggest drinking the blood of indigenous babies will cure wrinkles; instead, it seems she’s caught a case of the Angelinas after cancer treatment left her wondering if adoption was the way to go.
It goes without saying that, coming courtesy of the News Of The World originally, this story probably has about as much truth to it as a Quarter Pounder With Cheese has value to vegans. Still, a lil’ Aussie entertainment gossip site can dream, can’t we? More » 
Jordan Wants Her Bosom To Live On Long After She Dies; That Can Probably Be Arranged, Actually
11:57AM Clem Bastow | What with Lady McCartney’s sad spaz out, Ben Cousins’ escape from LA and Winegums’ hubby appearing in Night Of The Living Dead IV, here’s a little sum’n sum’n to lighten the mood: Jordan!
Yes, everyone’s favourite human driver-and-passenger-side airbag is prattling on again, this time musing about how she’d like to be remembered once she shuffles off this mortal coil (no doubt in a coffin covered in Swarovski crystals).
Busty Jordan wants her gravestone inscription to pay tribute to her BOOBS.
The 32FF model, 29 said: “I’d like to have: ‘She had perfect tits’ or ‘Wonder Woman’.”
Perfect tits? We’re not so sure about that, but it’s nice to know that no matter how much doom and gloom is happening in the world of entertainment gossip, you can always rely on Katie Price to brighten your day, like a super-bright halogen spotlight with a pink gel on it. More » 
Being Booted From Idol Has Hit Mark Da Costa Hard
9:02PM Clem Bastow | It seems Mark Da Costa is not coping as well with his Idol rejection as he first thought, and has turned to spamming innocent MySpace members about amazing Macy’s gift cards.
After all, all the girls are straight up lying when they say talent doesn’t matter.
We look forward to seeing Mark on late-night telemall within a few months, or possibly standing out the front of the Australian Diamond Company wearing a sandwich-board.
ED: In Mark’s defence, he’s in good company – half the bands we’re friends with on MySpazz have come to us with news of the amazing Macy’s gift cards. In fact, Defamer Australia’s favourite Facebook hater, Mr Dan Luscombe of The Drones, once retorted when the subject was raised by several chums at a bar “Have you actually bothered to check the offer out? I might have been alerting you to a really good deal, you ingrates!”. More » 
Richard Branson Cops It In The Pants
10:48AM Clem Bastow | Sir Richard Branson, the World’s Wackiest Entrepreneur, has finally been tripped up by one of his worryingly regular promotional stunts for Virgin, this time for Virgin Airlines entry into the American carrier market.
Richard made a dick of himself when his bungee jump down the side of the Palms Casino Hotel in Vegas didn’t go exactly as he’d planned, leaving him bruised and shaken – and without the seat of his pants.
It all started so well. Strapped in a harness and attached to a cable, the 57-year-old tycoon beamed confidently before taking a running jump from the roof.
As he descended rapidly, he pulled airline tickets out of his pocket and scattered them to the ground as part of the bungee-cum-abseiling stunt.
But instead of gliding smoothly to the ground, Sir Richard smashed his bottom twice into the building and, as the colour drained from his face, began to realise something was amiss – or rather, missing.
After clamping his hands to his seatless trousers to assess the damage, he was lowered to the ground without further injury.
Poor widdle Wichard apparently scuttled into the comforting embrace of his minders and ran away without answering questions.
Really, isn’t he getting a bit old for all this? What next? “Richard Branson base-jumps to celebrate opening of Virgin Garden Centers”? “Richard Branson self-immolates to launch Virgin Home Security”? It’s anyone’s guess. More » 
Possibly The Greatest Thing We Have Ever Seen
10:29AM Clem Bastow | Sometimes we wonder whether our Australian news outlets really have their hearts in it, what with their coverage of the capital punishment debate and the Bali anniversary and such – what we really want them to do is something like The Mail’s brilliant piece of hard hitting photojournalism: “Toon Spice: How Victoria’s Ridiculous Outfits Mirror Cartoon Characters“.
There’s plenty to choose from in this paragon of journalism, but it’s hard to go past this gem, which will have us laughing all the way into next week:
Truly an image to sit alongside Vietnam War reportage and the Zapruder footage. The Mail, we tip our hats to you! More » 
Channel [V] Puts Moral Responsibility To Younger Viewers On Ice
10:27AM Clem Bastow | Music network Channel [V] has been howled down after they called for viewers to send in their “favourite memories on ice”.
The station claims it was a tie-in with the Will Ferrell movie, Blades Of Glory, but parents and watchdogs aren’t so sure, after SMSed entries featuring reminiscences about viewers’ experiences with the government’s favourite drug were also put to air.
“Fair enough the question was supposed to be about ice-skating, but someone’s obviously being mischievous in the way they posed the question and then put all those responses up,” viewer Shelly Hanson said yesterday. “I’m a mother and a teacher and I was appalled to turn on the TV to see such irresponsible behaviour from a show that attracts teenagers – Channel V should be ashamed of themselves.”
[V] sez the show was clearly rated MA and that the mums should shaddap, and that they are in fact developing a PSA-style program about ice.
Hopefully this will involve wide-eyed James Mathison in deep discussion about ice bugs. More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: The Brown Touch
10:10AM Clem Bastow | The lords of music giveth and the lords of music taketh away for Amy Winegums. One minute Mick Jagger and Jules Holland are singing her praises, the next minute Ian Brown is having a go.
And given that yesterday he was whining about Our Kylie, we’d have been disappointed if Brownie didn’t say something about Winegums.
British singer Ian Brown has slammed troubled star Amy Winehouse’s partying ways, insisting she is “scared of living”. [...]
He says: “I think (Winehouse) is an absolute sucker. The girl’s got all those tattoos in the last few years – and one day she’s gonna go, ‘Oh no’.
“Suckers. Anyone who drinks to that condition is a sucker. They’re scared of living.”
Because, obviously, Ian Brown has never touched a drink or taken drugs.
Sucker! More » 
