living lohan
Respected Newsman Anderson Cooper Mistakenly Assumes Ali Lohan Is 60
11:11AM Seth | · We should really watch CNN more often: A spoonful of Big Gay Bitch Anderson Cooper’s ultracatty insights into the Lohan clan really helps the hard news go down. [CNN] · Whew—that was a close one. Mary Kate Olsen is officially off the hook after the U.S. Attorney’s Office closes the case on Heath Ledger’s death. [People] · Gawker urges journalists covering the Olympics to search out the next Tonya Harding. “Why? Whyyy?” Ah—that never gets old. [Gawker] · Mr. Blackwell is at death’s door! (Death looks hideous by the way—that cloak is so drab and dowdy.) [ETOnline] · Canadians are not as nice as previously assumed. [Yahoo] More »
Ali Lohan ‘Makes It Delicious’ In Televised Tryout For Vaunted Porn Producer
10:55AM Molly Friedman | It’s always a hoot when you show up to an audition thinking you’re just trying out for another straight-to-DVD horror remake, only to find out afterwards that you just emoted all your talents in front of a titan of the porn industry. In yet another display of complete parental ignorance, Dina Lohan’s decision to send Lindsay-wannabe Ali on a journey to score a part in Troll in this weekend’s season finale of Living Lohan was kind of equivalent to sending your 14-year old daughter on a read-through of Bun Busters 13 or Breast Wishes 15. Yes, Ali’s eager efforts to make it big in showbiz has officially included a smiley “nerve-wracking” experience reciting classic lines like “Ratburgers!” in front of the multi-coloured hair piece-topped Peter Davy, responsible for discovering gangbang queen Houston, among many other hardcore accomplishments. The clip, including Ali’s stomach-tightening attempt to impress the porn industry professionals, after the jump. More »
Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ‘Ali Is A Little Scared Because She’s Meeting Adults’
11:40AM Molly Friedman | We don’t know whether to cry tears of sadness or sweet relief, but last night brought us the heartbreaking season finale of Dina Lohan’s dream come true: the Lindsay-free joy ride through the one of the most frightening TV family’s household that was Living Lohan. And despite all Dina’s efforts to convince us we should be happy for little 14-year old Ali and her double whammy of career success stories featured in this episode, the last few months have taught us that a role in the Troll remake and a single that makes our ears bleed do not necessarily a superstar make. But, as we’ve learned throughout the season, no matter how small these sad triumphs, if it weren’t for Dina and her never-ending flow of parental lessons, Ali would still just be some normal teenager allowed to go to the mall with friends and shop, instead of Dina’s way of remaining the Mother Of The Century:
For First Time Ever, Lindsay Lohan Not Rushed To Hospital, Sam Ronson Not A Bitch
10:10AM Molly Friedman | Just when things seemed to be coming up roses for Lindsay Lohan, none other than (surprise!) Mother of the Century Dina has jumped on the chance to turn two otherwise non-items into full-out scandals reminiscent of Lohan’s cokepants days. First, reports surfaced that her cigarette- and hickey-delivery girl Sam Ronson refused to play vocally challenged Ali Lohan’s new single at a DJ’ing gig last week because she felt the song was “really bad.” Not exactly breaking news, right? Thanks to Dina and Living Lohan, we already know anything Ali squeaks out won’t turn her into the next Whitney Houston (or even the next Lindsay). Then, over the weekend, TMZ reported that Lohan and Ronson were victims of a hit-and-run bicyclist while taking an innocent walk home after a night out in New York, ending with Lohan in the hospital. And so what? It’s not like Lohan was the hitter-and-runner, and any hospital stay without the phrases “asthma attack” or “fainting spell” attached to it is fine by us. But courtesy of both Michael Lohan and Dina’s consistently yapping mouths, we will know have the pleasure of associating both stories with the phrase, “bull doodie”:
Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ‘I Now Realise I’ve Been Punk’d By An 11-Year Old’
9:30AM Molly Friedman | At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumours about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay’s blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas’ star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody’s adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious arse and, of course, dance like it’s 1989: More »
Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ‘Hef’s Girlfriends Are Very Pretty.’
10:40AM Molly Friedman | In the grainy land of reality show famewhoring, sometimes a pair of boobs will come together and a cable miracle is born. And that’s exactly what happened last night when we saw our maternal icon, Dina Lohan, meet our paternal icon, Hugh Hefner. On the latest edition of television’s most reliable guide to parenting, Dina taught us some highly unique strategies in order to effectively downsize your son’s balls, fake your way to the fountain of youth via Me-Time, and prove to your tweenage daughter just how insanely awesome and superior you are by making her choose between “Mr. Hot” and a career in music best left for those with actual talent. The newest lessons learned from Living Lohan, below: More »
