This is quite old - actually, in internet terms, it's positively ancient as it's from late May - but last night I was taking a stroll down (Google paved) memory lane and re-reading all the leaked emails from when Lindsay Lohan's secret MySpazz account was hacked back in 2007, and I came across something rather interesting.

On May 12th of 2008, Perez Hilton wrote a blog post stating that Lindsay's career was down the toilet, she was being dropped from projects, and she'd just been spotted bawling her eyes out after a massive fight with her girlfriend Samantha Ronson (who, by the way, I think is a rather cute little tomboy type - and Perez's constant need to refer to her as SaMAN is getting increasingly annoying).

"Blogger/famewhore Jonathan Jackson", as the fabulous EvilBeet describes him, contacted Lindsay Lohan on her personal MySpazz account to ask her about what Perez had written, and her reply is actually ten kinds of awesome and I can't believe I've only just stumbled upon it. What's wrong with me? Am I drinking too much during the day?

She says -

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Last week's debut of Defamer Answers seemed to go reasonably well, with our survey of the phenomenon that is The Jonas Brothers provoking rich discussion among fans, enemies and baffled cultural observers alike. This week's edition finds us contemplating a far less-heated subject whose profile is surging nevertheless: Courtenay Semel, an entertainment industry scion and B-list lesbian whose exploits have landed her everywhere from reality TV to the interior of Lindsay Lohan's pants over the last three years.

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Congratulations are in order for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, who married Saturday night in an intimate ceremony held on the grounds of their California home. The brides both wore Zac Posen and exchanged handwritten vows promising to love each other "in sickness and in health, for as long as no pesky cameramen get in the way." Attendance was capped at 19, all the better to exclude potential wedding crasher Barbara Walters.

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If the recent VMAs promo made you wonder "Who's the Brit next to Brit-Brit?", then meet Russell Brand. We asked the British funnyman (and Forgetting Sarah Marshall star) to sit down with us in an effort to prove his pop culture bona fides before hosting the VMAs on September 7. Already a famous ladykiller in the U.K., can Brand prove equally charming as the emcee of MTV's biggest event? We solicited his thoughts on Miley Cyrus, Christian Bale, and hermaphrodite presidents in a bid to find out.

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After "going gay" for Samantha Ronson, is there anything left in the tabloid till for cinema alumna Lindsay Lohan? According to the ever-reliable UK fishwrap News of the World, there is: in a bid to retake the headlines stolen by little sister Ali, Lindsay and her sapphic sweetheart Sam are planning to get hitched (an anniversary present that somehow eluded our suggestions). Says the excitable Rav Singh:

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Good news for the beleaguered Hollywood paparazzi: LAPD Chief William Bratton opposes a new proposal to place restrictions on particularly aggressive photographers. In fact, he took time out of his daily workout to tell KNBC that the problem lies not with the paparazzi but with the bad girls they photograph — a salient point made amusing by Bratton's brusque verbiage and up-to-the-minute starlet savvy (preserved on video after the jump):

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It's always a hoot when you show up to an audition thinking you're just trying out for another straight-to-DVD horror remake, only to find out afterwards that you just emoted all your talents in front of a titan of the porn industry. In yet another display of complete parental ignorance, Dina Lohan's decision to send Lindsay-wannabe Ali on a journey to score a part in Troll in this weekend's season finale of Living Lohan was kind of equivalent to sending your 14-year old daughter on a read-through of Bun Busters 13 or Breast Wishes 15. Yes, Ali's eager efforts to make it big in showbiz has officially included a smiley "nerve-wracking" experience reciting classic lines like "Ratburgers!" in front of the multi-coloured hair piece-topped Peter Davy, responsible for discovering gangbang queen Houston, among many other hardcore accomplishments. The clip, including Ali's stomach-tightening attempt to impress the porn industry professionals, after the jump.

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After having a go at Madonna and then getting reasonably good reviews for his Glasto performance, expat Aussie Sam Sparro has decided it's time to make the jump to plaid: he's going to work with Lindsay "Remember, She Had A Career Once, You Know, Before She Made Leggings With Kneepads" Lohan.

No word on whether he will wear that ridiculous top hat while he's doing it.

"Working with Lindsay is an interesting proposition. I've always been a big fan and I think she's cool," said Sparro, currently riding high on the music charts with his single Black and Gold.

"I've never met Samantha Ronson but I have met her dad and her sister Charlotte when I was working with Mark at Coachella. They are a great family.

"I'll be heading over to Los Angeles and New York in a couple of weeks to start writing for Lindsay and a few other artists. I'm really excited."

So, er, go Aussie!

ED: You know, there are times where Clem and yours truly don't agree, and this looks like one of them. Although my beloved Bastow may hate Sam Sparro's single, I wish to speak up and say I fucking love Black & Gold, and I am quite thrilled he'll be working with Lindsay. CLEM YOU ARE WRONG PLEASE UPDATE YOUR OPINION x

We don't know whether to cry tears of sadness or sweet relief, but last night brought us the heartbreaking season finale of Dina Lohan's dream come true: the Lindsay-free joy ride through the one of the most frightening TV family's household that was Living Lohan. And despite all Dina's efforts to convince us we should be happy for little 14-year old Ali and her double whammy of career success stories featured in this episode, the last few months have taught us that a role in the Troll remake and a single that makes our ears bleed do not necessarily a superstar make. But, as we've learned throughout the season, no matter how small these sad triumphs, if it weren't for Dina and her never-ending flow of parental lessons, Ali would still just be some normal teenager allowed to go to the mall with friends and shop, instead of Dina's way of remaining the Mother Of The Century:

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Just when things seemed to be coming up roses for Lindsay Lohan, none other than (surprise!) Mother of the Century Dina has jumped on the chance to turn two otherwise non-items into full-out scandals reminiscent of Lohan's cokepants days. First, reports surfaced that her cigarette- and hickey-delivery girl Sam Ronson refused to play vocally challenged Ali Lohan's new single at a DJ'ing gig last week because she felt the song was "really bad." Not exactly breaking news, right? Thanks to Dina and Living Lohan, we already know anything Ali squeaks out won't turn her into the next Whitney Houston (or even the next Lindsay). Then, over the weekend, TMZ reported that Lohan and Ronson were victims of a hit-and-run bicyclist while taking an innocent walk home after a night out in New York, ending with Lohan in the hospital. And so what? It's not like Lohan was the hitter-and-runner, and any hospital stay without the phrases "asthma attack" or "fainting spell" attached to it is fine by us. But courtesy of both Michael Lohan and Dina's consistently yapping mouths, we will know have the pleasure of associating both stories with the phrase, "bull doodie":

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