Despite his best attempts, Tom Cruise has officially failed his mission of keeping wife Katie Holmes off Broadway and out of New York. As we learned earlier this year, the escape-hungry Holmes was offered a role in this fall's Arthur Miller play All My Sons, giving her a chance to remind the industry she was once an actress. But Cruise was rumoured to have squashed the idea, punishing his true love by sending her off to Scientology boot camp. But Us is confirming that Holmes has signed on anyway, meaning the tight Cruise clan will be spending autumn in New York. We can only hope NBC successfully woos Jerry Seinfeld into a deal by then, lest TomKat's previous recruitment plans for the comedian remain a high priority. [Us]

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Hello Magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise was plum out of ideas for what to get recently drifting BFF David Beckham for his birthday. So instead of a fruit basket or a lifetime supply of Tom Cruise Purple, the Hubbard-loving Clear decided to treat both Posh and Becks to a private weekend getaway at one of Cruise's favourite romantic spots in Napa Valley: his very own home!

"They wanted [Posh] and David to make use of their property [and] insisted that it should be just the two of them and that they should thoroughly spoil themselves."

But after hearing more details on just how Tom planned this so-called "private" getaway, we're worried the Beckhams are about to be abducted by a Xenuphobic SWAT team...

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We've become just about as well-versed as we want to when it comes to the bizarre practices of Scientologists, which run the gamut from silent birth to e-meters. But after hearing that Katie Holmes' precious little Suri is still on the baby bottle even after turning 2 years old, and that fellow Scientologist mummy Leah Remini's "sweet witty pain in the ass" 3-year old Sophia still drinks six bottles a night, we discovered some disturbing tales from other members of the cult religion who used "Hubbard's baby formula," only to wind up with "thin and colicky" toddlers that had their "baby teeth destroyed" and "screamed themselves to death." But as the defiant Remini says in this clip, "I could see her drinking a bottle 'til she's 16." More details on Hubbard's toxic formula that was developed using methods from Ancient Rome (!!!) after the jump.

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Back in October of 2006, Vanity Fair shocked us all by nabbing the first family photos of until-then MIA Suri Cruise, the tiny Xenuphobic bundle of joy Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had masterfully kept hidden months after her no-screaming-allowed birth. Why were we shocked? Accusations from both the press and the masses flooded the public narrative claiming little Suri looked nothing like Tom or Katie, some going so far as to claim the pregnancy was faked. But after the Knights of Hubbard spent this past weekend in New York with Suri in tow, it's become clear to us that Suri is quite obviously a real-live Cruise. The pictures that convinced us, along with details on which stars the Cruises spent time proselytizing dining with out East, after the jump.

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Ex-scientologist Jason Beghe, an actor you probably don't remember from CSI and Numb3rs, posted a somewhat horrifying rant on YouTube yesterday in which he demonstrates just how crazy the religion can make someone, even after they've escaped its clutches. After spouting venom-laced theories involving "theta traps" and "reactive minds," Beghe tells us that Scientologists think they're "fucking doing something to save the planet." And in an interview with the Village Voice last week, he divulges yet more allegations about Tom Cruise's involvement, and has a warning for Will Smith:

"[Cruise] was out for like ten years...Some are out but don't talk about it. Why? The church is scary. These are bad motherfuckers...Let Will Smith know that his shit was fucking recorded. And tell him to look them in the eye and see if he believes it when they deny it."

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Earlier this month we discussed whether or not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' double date with Forest Whitaker and his wife Keisha was less about baby talk and more about Xenu talk. And while we didn't rush to the race card, MSNBC is reporting that TomKat and the CoS are intent on luring more African-American stars onto the Knights of Hubbard bowling team:

"Will is definitely in the process of becoming a member, 'He's been getting more and more involved. And it isn't just him, it's definitely Jada, too. It's that as he becomes more involved, you'd think he'd sort of help fly the flag with Tom (Cruise), who seems to only get a bad rap for it, while Will does this and comes through just fine.'"

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