kids

German Schoolboy Happy To Confirm Humanity Is Roughly 100 Times More Rooted Than First Thought

9:53AM Clem Bastow | We will return you to the usual programming in just a moment, but we thought it pertinent to let you all know that we now have a one-in-450 chance of being wiped out by tsunamis and sun-blocking dust clouds in either 2029 or 2036. How do we know this? Because some smartarse little German schoolboy, Nico Marquardt, “corrected” NASA’s calculations regarding the Apophis asteroid, which was previously thought to have a one-in-45,000 chance of totally ruining humanity’s party. Both NASA and Marquardt agree that if the asteroid does collide with Earth, it will create a ball of iron and iridium 320 metres wide and weighing 200 billion tonnes, which will crash into the Atlantic Ocean. The shockwaves from that would create huge tsunami waves, destroying both coastlines and inland areas, whilst creating a thick cloud of dust that would darken the skies indefinitely. The 13-year old made his discovery as part of a regional science competition for which he submitted a project entitled: “Apophis – The Killer Astroid”. Whaddya reckon, is Nico likely to be being hoisted on the shoulders of his schoolmates right now, or being pelted with sandwiches and rotten apples for more accurately predicting that we’ll all die in a Michael Bay-esque doomsday scenario? More »

Bindi Irwin Hopes Australian Children Want To Wear Her Beautiful Skin… Sorry, Clothes

9:22AM Clem Bastow | Despite what you may glean from her perma-enthused persona, Bindi Irwin is not actually a cyborg child from planet Goblin just like the rest of us: she gets nervous when her pet project is laid on the line for the children of Australia to judge (i.e. with their parents’ money). That’s right, Bindi’s new Bindi Wear International range of branded clothing debuts at Myer stores this week, and the crimping iron fan is hanging out to see how her range of sensible slacks goes down with the little’uns. While the label was officially launched at the Magic clothing fair in the US in August, Australia is the first country where the clothes for babies and girls and boys up to 12 will go on sale. “I am so excited to have my own range, I can’t wait to see other kids wearing it,” Bindi, 9, said. In its first real test before it hits stores, two fashion-loving Sydney sisters put the range of cool and khaki clothes to the test. Avid Bindi fan Hannah Stevenson, 5, loved that there was more than khaki in this collection, with a pink-dappled camouflage dress with front bow and ruffled skirt one of her top choices. While it was a pretty piece, it was in a canvas material and was tough enough to endure jumping off the garden fence at her Croydon home, one of her favourite activities. Canvas! Great! Isn’t that the childrenswear equivalent of, dunno, a kero bath for nanna? Like, sure, kids’ clothes need to be durable, but canvas? What next, chainmail? Here you go, little Johnny, wrap yourself up in this nice, snuggly Kevlar dressing gown! The label says it’s stingray-proof! More »

A Brief And Litigious Look Into The Heady World Of Jazz Ballet

11:17AM Clem Bastow | Browsing the ‘human interest’ stories on the way to the serious (read: celebrity) news this morning, we were thrilled by this piece regarding a legal battle between the parents of a young (seven year-old) dance enthusiast, her choreographer, and the dance studio where the routine was birthed. If you thought intellectual property stories from the world of computer design or art criticism made your head spin, wait until you read about Wild Child Acting And Dance Studios! Enjoy this bit of light reading over your morning frappe latte cino and copy of DanceSport. A choreographed three-minute dance to Gloria Estefan’s Turn The Beat Around, created for Brisbane seven-year-old Caitlyn Armstrong, has led to a $38,000 legal battle. More »

Aussie Kids Most Scared By News Ltd Photo Editors

12:30PM Clem Bastow | We were perusing the ‘human interest’ stories this morning when we stumbled across this story about Australian children’s fears (in short, they are more worried about spiders, animals and being bullied than a terrorist attack, unless they are asked something like “What if a terrorist killed Mummy and Daddy?” and – suprisingly! – then they report being very scared of it). However, what struck us most was the frankly terrifying image they chose to illustrate the piece: We’d hazard a guess that Australian kids would be pretty bloody scared of whatever the fuck that demon puppet is! We know we’ll be sleeping with one eye open when we hit the pillow tonight. More »

Delta Knocks Back Potato’s Proposal, Probably Due To Those Pesky Kids

11:07AM Clem Bastow | You know, in the bastion of things not to do when dating someone who already has children, it’s safe to say that admitting your resentment of them in an interview is probably not a great idea. Well, no one told Delta that, as she aired her thoughts regarding partner Brian “Potato” McFadden’s daughters with ex-wife Kerry “Chipshop” Katona earlier this year. And now, it seems Delts has KO’ed Potato’s proposal of marriage, and we’ll give you one guess as to why. McFadden popped the question last Friday, after returning to Sydney from a working visit to his hometown of Dublin – with an engagement ring. However, sources close to the Goodrem camp say she has struggled to accept becoming a stepmother to his two daughters at such a young age. “She really loves him very much, but doesn’t want to be a mum so soon. It’s a huge responsibility and she’s still too young,” an insider said yesterday. The 23-year-old has made no secret of the challenge she faced winning over his children from his first marriage to UK pop star, Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona. “I love the kids, but admit it was very hard when it started,” she said in a recent magazine report. What Shakespeare is trying to say is “I can’t be stuffed doing Stepmom stuff and would rather be tending to my new hair extensions and writhing around on top of a bucket chair to express my newfound passion for life and love”. Which, when you think about it, is probably what Chipshop did when it came to mothering duties, so maybe Delta shouldn’t be so hard on herself. More »