We're a caring bunch here at Defamer Australia, so when I was perusing the British trash rags newspapers this morning, I knew you'd be dying to hear all about this particular bit of celebrity news: Kerry Katona is having her bazoongas reduced! Not only that, but she's going to film the operation for her celebreality show. Yes, I know, I know - it should have been the first news item of the day but, you know, sometimes these major stories just trickle down slowly. Hell, it took me five months to find out that Kevin Rudd won the election!

She says: 'After four kids I need it. I'm a GG at the moment, and when I take my bra off my nipples are by my feet. I want to be a DD instead.'

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They just don't make celebrity family feuds like they do in the UK!

Kerry Katona's mother recently hit the headlines when it was announced to have signed a six-figure book deal to tell family secrets like, er, the time she tried to seduce Kerry's ex-husband Brian "Potato" McFadden.

Well, unsurprisingly, now it's Chipshop's time to fight back at Mommy Dearest! Anyone want some of this mega bucket of popcorn?

Kerry told Heat magazine: 'I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if she did. I'd be more surprised if she hadn't slept with him [McFadden].

'She did sleep with one of my boyfriends while I was going out with him.'

The former Atomic Kitten singer also admitted in the interview with the magazine that in the past she had considered ending all her troubles, by committing suicide.

[...]

She added: 'I've watched my mum over the years, trying to kill herself countless times, and to me it's a coward's way out and it made me feel unloved and unworthy.

'So I could never dream of doing that to my children.'

Wow, how much dirtier can this fight get? It's like they're ex-BFFs, not mother and daughter.

Can we get a quote on how much it would cost to FedEx a gilt-framed print of Philip Larkin's This Be The Verse to both Katona women, post haste?

You know, sometimes there are stories - usually including, but not limited to, the British tabloid newspapers - that for all intents and purposes write themselves.

When you see a headline that reads "Kerry was a prostitute who sold her body for money: Katona devastated as mother writes shocking tell-all book", you can pretty much be certain this is one of those stories!

That sound you hear ever so faintly in the background is Kerry "Chipshop" Katona hurriedly ringing the repo man so she can recover every Mother's Day present she's ever sent to her mum.

Sue Katona has reportedly signed a six-figure deal for the book in which she will make several shocking claims - including that her daughter once worked as a prostitute and that the 27-year-old's husband Mark Croft tried to seduce her.

The autobiography is another blow for Kerry who has been rocked by allegations of Mark's alleged cheating and a custody battle with former husband Brian McFadden.

In the book Sue discusses her daughter's drug habit and accuses the mother of four of getting her hooked on cocaine.

She boasts about propositioning the former Atomic Kitten star's lovers and claims to have slept with one of her former boyfriends and admits she tried to sleep with Ex-Westlife star Brian.

What! Her mother tried to sleep with the Potato? Her mother was unsuccessfully seduced by her daughter's husband?? There are so many subtle levels of "wrong" in this story, it's almost too good to be true! Someone nominate the Katonas for Family Of The Year!

There's a midday movie in all this - starring Jennifer Coolidge as Mrs Katona and Lindsay Lohan as Kerry, and guest-starring Devon Sawa as Brian "Potato" McFadden. Someone see to it that it gets made, there's a good lad.

Brief news from the Delta & The Potato department: the UK tabs have always kept, er, tabs on Our Delta Goodrem and her postmodern mermaid fantasies, largely because not only were her mild-mannered AOR ballads reasonably successful there, but because she was blessed by the hand of the Gods, i.e., she was on Neighbours. And Potato was in... whichever one he was in, so that's his credentials sorted.

It follows, then, that they should take a keen interest in her growing profile in the States as well as us, though I was particularly impressed that Bizarre's Gordon managed not only to big-upps Delts but also get the boot in, in italics for effect, re: Potato's former love, Kerry "Chipshop" Katona (not to mention making approximately 87 "wind" related puns):

I've never been a massive fan of the former WESTLIFE crooner but you've got to admit he's got great taste in women.

Well he has now.

Here's Delta on exceptional form at the Jorge Pasada Foundation gala dinner in New York this week.

She looks a million miles away from her days as a teen in Neighbours.

And a real upgrade from Brian's ex KERRY KATONA then.

That name in all-caps again, just in case you missed it the first time around: KERRY KATONA. Did you get that, Brian "Potato" McFadden? You may be engaged to Our Postmodern Mermaid Delta now, but you were once married to KERRY KATONA.

And so on, and so forth.

Say what you will about Brian "Potato" McFadden and his music/taste in women/choice of hairstyle, but through the whole split with ex-wife Kerry "Chipshop" Katona/shack up with Delta "Postmodern Mermaid Fantasy" Goodrem thing, he has at least acquitted himself in a largely mature and sensible manner, refusing to stoop to the levels of press-baiting that Chipshop seems particularly fond of.

Until now, that is.

Brian, who lives with partner Delta Goodrem in Australia, told the News of the World: "Kerry is a disgusting human being.

"She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes. Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games.

"She uses my two girls as a weapon in her childish games. She is an embarrassment to me, my family and my children."

Awesome! Eight thumbs up! Good to see Katona and McFadden are working hard to stay friends if only for the kids, too.

Potato goes on to report that the couple's daughters, Molly and Lilly-Sue, often report back to him about Katona's trips to the Priory, etc. Now all we need to know is what they then return to Katona and say, perhaps something about how boring Daddy's new girlfriend is, and how she always sings sitting down, as though she's sharted?

We'll just have to wait for that exclusive!

We know it's neither big nor clever to laugh at babies, but when we saw this little blurb and pic linking to the news of Kerry Katona's new bub, we had to stifle more than a few laffs:

"Already bearing some resemblance to his mother"? Is it just us, or is The Daily Mail being a bit cheeky?

It is, shall we say, not the loveliest bit of footage of a newborn we've ever seen - and, oh, wouldn't you know it, it was all caught on camera for Kerry's fly-on-the-wall MTV series. Happy days!

Former Celebrity Mum of The Year Kerry Katona™ continues to kick parenting goals that we're guessing her PR peeps would probably prefer we didn't hear about, except - oops! - Kerry invited MTV cameras into her life and home for her fly-on-the-wall series, Crazy In Love.

So, based on continued updates courtesy of the Daily Mail and Crazy In Love, we thought we'd tally up some tips and hints on parenting and pregnancy based on what Kerry - again, Former Celebrity Mum of The Year - has to tell us. Read on!

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Well! We were going to tell you about Kerry Katona laughably needing to get hypnotherapy to quit smoking (she's pregnant, but evidently the thought that her bub might come out deformed or ill wasn't enough of an incentive to give up the cancer sticks), but she's gone and one-upped herself.

Kerry Katona has entered The Priory!

The Priory, for those who don't know, is essentially the UK's Betty Ford or Promises, and finds a lot of its more famous patients in attendance for "emotional exhaustion". However, in Chipshop's case, that seems to be spot on:

The pregnant mother-of-three fell to pieces after learning about her husband's alleged affair with a barmaid and more reports of her doing drugs.

Currently being treated in the Priory, Kerry is said to be "severely emotional and depressed" which has forced MTV to temporarily halt filming at the stars home.

Poor Kerry. As much as she's fun to point and laugh at, and as much as she can be a complete and utter nong (smoking/drinking/drugging while pregnant, marrying Brian McFadden, leaving Atomic Kitten), we get the feeling that underneath it all she's just an uncomplicated lass from the wrong end of town who somehow got "lucky".

We trust she'll be back and entertaining us all soon!

We've complained in the past about how much we envy the Brits their trashtastic celebreality programming, but we think they may have come up with the ultimate blow to any other country's aspirations in the same genre, by allowing Former Celebrity Mum of The Year Kerry "My Drug Hell"/"My Pregnancy Scare"/"My Back Room Needs Renovating So Make The Cheque Out To Cash Thanks" Katona in front of a camera with her new series, Crazy In Love, which is designed to show the public how loving her marriage with Mark Croft is - but like so many who have gone before her (Jessica, Britney, Anna Nicole, Flavor Flav), it hasn't turned out exactly as sympathetically as she might have hoped.

The picture we've chosen to illustrate this piece is from the show, a scene where Kerry strips down - pregnant - to do a "sexy" photo shoot. And there are many more unbelievable screen caps here, just begging to be LOLKERRY'd.

The couple allowed TV crews into their lives to film MTV documentary Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love to prove that despite rumours of a troubled relationship, their marriage is stronger than ever.

But their plan may have backfired, with the pair spending much of last night's debut program telling one another to "shut your face" and "shut your trap."

Making a splash: the pair regularly told one another to 'shut your face' during last night's show
Leaving charm at the door, Mark was also filmed saying: "She's like a bad fart, she lingers but she does go away.

"I'm romantic, I often just say to her spontaneously lets go out and get a meal. Kerry's never took me out for a meal, she doesn't appreciate the things I do for her.

"I show my affection and love for you and you just show me hatred."

It goes without saying, naturally, that if any UK-based Defamer Australia pals feel like whacking a tape in for this one and sending it over post haste, we will be forever thankful.

Judging by the comments on that story, we think the British public liked it, too: "Poor, poor unborn baby. With a selfish, vain, odious creature like Kerry Katona for a mother and a scruffy, common, ugly wimp for a father the poor bairn doesn't stand a chance. Why on earth would a couple like that even contemplate bringing a child into their world. They need to grow up themselves first."

Winner!

A few years back, Welsh warbler (and now mother of one) Charlotte Church was the host of her own show in the UK, cleverly titled The Charlotte Church Show. The only thing we really knew about her telly program was that it was the place Amy Winehouse delivered - with the help of Charlotte - a disastrous (and allegedly drunken) cover of Billie Jean, but apparently it didn't do too badly, and a week or so ago Channel 4 announced that Charlotte's show, on hiatus after the birth of her first child, would be making a return mid-2008.

Why are we telling you all this?

Because we just watched the following sketch featuring a disguised Charlotte interviewing Kerry Katona (you know her, right?) and surprised ourselves by laughing, as they say, out loud. We kinda wish the show was shown in Australia.

Charlotte's comments about Delta Goodrem's future husband Brian McFadden were especially enjoyable.

And after the jump? Another interview (Church-less, alas) featuring Kerry Katona talking to celeb gossip site HolyMoly whilst scoffing hot chips. Just because.

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