Any Straight-to-Flopz masterpiece can top out below $100,000 theatrically, but it takes a special kind of crap to do so with a real star above the line. Take Surfer, Dude, the new Matthew McConaughey adventure-in-shirtlessness that found exactly zero takers at Rotten Tomatoes and not many more upon its release in 96 theatres nationwide: $36,497 worth, to be precise, likely prompting the actor/producer/placenta vintner to wonder if perhaps he should have saved the comma in the film's title for the total gross.

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Though we may go back and forth on whether we want our MTV, one thing we can all agree on is that we want a Dirt Sandwich. Like your favourite music channel in its heyday, it's packed with pop stars (Britney! Sanjaya!), celebrity antics (Bill Murray skydiving) and even the occasional bit of sobering news (Christina Applegate's mastectomy). And that whole "quick-cut MTV editing" thing? We got that, too. Sit back, put down your remote control, and let Molly McAleer take you on a psychedelic trip through the world of celebrity infotainment that would make even a Radiohead video seem banal. And if you don't watch? Katherine Heigl is gonna point and laugh at you.

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There are TV characters you hate to love, and then there are those whose love you hate. TV Guide writer Damien Holbrook tackles the latter in the magazine's upcoming feature, "Top 10 Most Annoying TV Couples," which details the most aggravating, chemistry-free romances ever foisted on television by a hubris-stricken showrunner. Did your least favourite couple make the list? Will Katherine Heigl make her beloved Joshua forward the article to the Grey's Anatomy writers? Results and analysis, after the jump:

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By all accounts, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi's Saturday wedding was a stunning and intimate affair, the two beautiful brides eliciting audible gasps from the guests as they walked down the aisle, trailed closely behind by Iggy the Flower Dog tossing mouthfuls of white rose petals. Obviously, the world bids these two rapturously-in-love and talented ladies a lifetime of happiness together, though it's interesting to see how those good wishes sometimes play themselves out. For starters, we have CNN's headline on the nuptials, noticed by blogger Chexydecimal, which reads, "Ellen DeGeneres 'marries' Portia Rossi." After complaints were lodged, they pulled the scare quotes—floating there like two chubby, hooked televangelist's fingers—but kept De Rossi's last name wrong.

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Ah yes, the dog days of summer. These are the kind of days where nothing sounds finer than sitting 'round the backyard with a few of your closest chums, tossing back a few cold ones and firing up the grill. But this weekend, instead of cooking up some Hebrew Nationals and a few burgers, might we suggest that you bring all the fixins for a nice Dirt Sandwich instead? The ingredients are pretty simple, and you can't beat the calorie count: all you need is an internet connection, a computer and an internet browser that's pointed right here. If you have a laptop computer and a WiFi connection then, well, that's even better. Gather your friends round the warm light of your computer screen and click play. Because nothing says summer time like topless supermodels, a John Stamos marathon make out sesh and Katherine Heigl's continued emasculation of her husband Joshua. Enjoy!

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Katherine Heigl has never failed to shock us, whether she's yapping about her highly tuned gaydar or wearing dresses made out of The Darjeeling Limited's costume leftovers. But her latest comments on her childhood spent growing up Mormon suggest that, on top of burning Emasculated Husband Joshua Kelley's pinky finger and forcing him to wait until the very second her biological clock beeps "Procreate!" to have kids, she may even make the poor guy raise said kids Big Love-style. As she recently told a British tab:

"I'm not as disciplined about it was I once was, but I hope to find my way back as I get older and a little less selfish...I'm ashamed to say that I've just got very lazy about it. I satisfy my vices instead of fighting them."

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The world awoke this morning to the chirping of little birds resembling Kristin Chenoweth and Neil Patrick Harris, perched at a podium in the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, announcing nominations for the 60th Emmy Awards. While most rolled over and tried to get back to sleep, we sat bolt upright as usual and sprinted to the window, our furious note-taking chronicling a few snubs, surprises and plenty of the conventional wisdom we've come to expect from the annual ritual.

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Made to address rumours that Grey's Anatomy writers' room dartboard pinup-girl Katherine Heigl might not survive the coming season, ABC head Steve McPherson had this to say: ""She won an Emmy last year, she's a fantastically talented actress,' McPherson says. 'I think it's unfortunate when there's any kind of turmoil on that show. There's so many people who work so incredibly hard to make that show the No. 1 show in the country. I never like to see when any of them take it lightly. She's absolutely staying with the show. There's an unbelievable story line for her next season. Shonda Rhimes is excited about that, she actually crafted it.'" That's good news for Izzie Stevens fans, but doesn't entirely rule out the possibility that this personally crafted storyline won't involve the character being mauled beyond recognition by a freak deer attack while sleeping quietly at home. [James Hibberd's The Live Feed, Photo Credit: INF]

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The ongoing mutual loathfest between notoriously stroppy film and TV star Katherine Heigl and the producers of Grey's Anatomy reaches a hateration crescendo with rumours that her character will have the plot equivalent of a soft hospital pillow (or maybe an actual one) pressed onto her face by showrunner Shonda Rhimes until all of her limbs stop flailing, at which point her lifeless corpse will be free to pursue whatever big screen pursuits it so pleases. From EOnline.com:

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Okay. Until now, we'd tried to give Jessica Alba the benefit of the doubt. Sure, she's impossible to watch in any movie she's ever made, what with her amateur acting skills that include crafted facial expressions such as "I'm Happy, See, Because You Can See My Teeth!" and "I'm Sexy, See, Because You Can See My Bikini-Clad Butt!" And yes, she made pregnancy look like possibly the most miserable state of being, unlike all those other actresses who affected the standard Glow (see Naomi Watts and even Nicole Kidman, incapable of moving her face, yet still dewy and happy 'til the arrival of her daughter Sunday). But after reading an excerpt from new mum Alba in next month's UK Cosmo, we think it's safe to say the actress, who insults all male actors, obsesses over her weight, and shows warning signs of early Husband Emasculation, is on her way to becoming the next Katherine Heigl:

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