Forget it — we're not even bothering with happy hour tonight. We're going straight for our Dirt Sandwich, a heaving helping of all the entertainment news and scandal that's fit to consume from the busy week behind us. This episode features the uniquely robust flavor of Clay Aiken's truth and consequences, the savory zing of Lohan/Ronson revelations, and a soothing aftertaste of Emmys, Dancing with the Stars and swimsuit legend Sarah Palin. How about some extreme face time with Joe Biden? Hungry yet? Fine — you can have the whole thing, crafted from scratch by Defamer's resident video-delicatessen wizardess Molly McAleer. Bon appetit!

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After months of open canoodling with celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan has stopped playing coy about whether the two of them are in a relationship, finally confirming the news on (of all places) last night's episode of the radio show Loveline. And she wasn't even prompted by the harsh interrogation techniques of Dr. Drew, either! No, Lohan — who had the phone passed to her after Ronson called in to discuss her hospitalized friend DJ AM — was caught flat-footed after an innocent question by Dr. Drew's cohost, Stryker.

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We don't know about you, but were starving. And nothing hits the spot at the end of a grueling week in the mines like a Dirt Sandwich, crafted with loving, homemade goodness by Defamer videographer Molly McAleer. This serving is stacked high with homoeroticism, slathered with Blonsky sauce, dashed with a hint of Sarah Palin and squeezed between two hot slices of Mario Lopez. Garnish with a sprig of Ellen Pompeo/primate-makeout mystery, and serve hot! Now that's living. And because we're generous like that, we'll even share a bite after the jump. Enjoy!

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Being a celebrity is hard work — just ask the Republicans! Though they've long claimed to eschew stars, they now have one of their own in Sarah Palin, and the newly minted veep candidate has so much drawing power that she's even crossed over into the world of celeb-focused tabloid television. That bizarre intersection of politics and Hollywood gossip offers a lot to chew on, and so does today's Dirt Sandwich, packed full of delicious ingredients by our intrepid videographer Molly McAleer. Move over, Matt Damon — stars like Meg Ryan, Eva Longoria Parker, and Annette Bening all want a piece of the Palin action! As for the indomitable Cloris Leachman, she may say she's obsessed with John Stamos, but we can tell that what she really wants to know is, "Did Sarah Palin's husband Todd actually wear a wedding veil?" For the answer, let's go to the tape!

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Correct us if we're wrong, but didn't Reese Witherspoon, y'know, win an Oscar just a few years ago? We're pretty sure she did, but you'd never know it from this poster for Four Christmases, the upcoming comedy she stars in with Vince Vaughn. Despite the fact that Vaughn fired UTA and his manager after the star vehicle Fred Claus opened to less than his first $20 million paycheck, the poster still gives him first billing over the Oscar-winning, A-list Witherspoon (and for another Christmas movie, no less!). To be fair, Witherspoon's last film Rendition was a box-office bust, but she wasn't top-billed on that, either: new beau Jake Gyllenhaal was, despite the fact that he's not yet proven himself as a box office draw. After winning the industry's highest award and proving her ability to single-handedly open a comedy with films like Legally Blonde and Sweet Home Alabama, what more does Witherspoon have to do to be called first in the billing block?

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Our office's crystal ball usually tends to function best on Fridays — and even then, as we handicap new releases in our Defamer Attractions column, it can be a tad hinky. But after a few weeks of painstaking inquiry, we think we now have a handle on some of the fall movie slate's biggest revelations to come. Will Brad Pitt backward-age his way to Oscar immortality? Is Twilight really the best investment for your vampire-movie dollars? Can Beverly Hills Chihuahua live up to its exceptional promise? Follow the jump for answers to those and a few of the season's other pressing questions. Feel free to scan your own tea leaves as well; our own oracle shuddered and crapped out the minute we asked about Australia, so any and all input is welcome. Onward!

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Despite being paced a bit too frenetically for our liking, last week's two-hour debut of the 90210 reboot managed to intrigue us enough to tune in for last night's episode (although it appears that 25% of those first week viewers didn't feel the same way). And while the new brood of West Beverly High School students still can't stop smiling, we couldn't help but find ourselves smiling a little bit during the episode's (admittedly shoehorned-in) plotlines revolving around Kelly Taylor. Suckers for nostalgia, rejoice! Last night, we finally got some details about her mystery four year old son, the product of a one night splash-off with someone who she "had a lot of history together [with] in high school" (but has since left her high and dry). Join us as we investigate the eight likeliest candidates for being the dude whose little swimmers got all up in Kelly Taylor's biznass.

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Though it's only been a scant ten days since John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, it's hard to find anyone on earth immune to the media onslaught that followed. Oh, for the halcyon days of mid-August, when our nation was more consumed with the abdominals of Michael Phelps than the baby-making, celebrity-stifling, Liz Lemon-resembling Palin name! To meet the rare creature who still knows nothing about the controversial candidate would be like staring into the windows of our pre-RNC innocence, and reader, we found such a transcendent experience on the carpet of the VMAs last night:

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Now that those exhausting political conventions are finally over, we can get back to the issues that really matter to hardworking Americans: sex addiction, huge breasts, and plastic surgery! That's right, it's time for another installment of Dirt Sandwich, prepared by Defamer videographer (and viable third party candidate) Molly McAleer. What's her platform, you ask? Why, it's to make sure that ordinary people have access to both universal health care and celebrity clip montages. After all, when that phone rings at 3AM, we need a candidate who knows how to deal with Jennie Garth's dramatic 10-pound weight gain, not one who'll have to learn about it on the job. That's the kind of experience you'll be getting from Molly McAleer on Day One — won't you cast your vote today?

Jump!

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Perhaps you've heard, but a little show called 90210 premiered last night on the CW (to record ratings) and nobody is happier about it than lead actress Shenae Grimes, the smilingest girl who ever smiled. Though she's ostensibly playing the show's Brenda Walsh archetype, Grimes eschewed Shannen Doherty's near-goth hauteur to deliver two hours of the biggest, widest, most non-stop smiling since Denise Richards grinned her way through Starship Troopers. With the help of videographer Molly McAleer, we've assembled a montage of Grimes compulsively flashing those pearly whites; whether she's flirting with the school bad boy, bantering with a terrifyingly well-preserved Lori Loughlin, or wondering, "Gee, doesn't this high school seem like it came out of a generic Anytown, USA rather than a truly decadent Beverly Hills," Grimes simply can't stop beaming. Shenae, we're sorry — but like bad-girl blogger Silver, we're simply speaking the truth. Don't worry, we're still BFF's. Catch you at The Pit? [The CW]

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