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Results for posts tagged "jessica alba" on Defamer Australia.
Last we heard from Rajan Zed, the "acclaimed Hindu statesman" was single-handedly derailing The Love Guru's chances for interfaith box-office success. Having spectacularly accomplished that mission, he has since moved on to an even more dire crisis of modern spirituality. To wit: Can Hinduism survive Jessica Alba's body art?
Palate Refresher! And now, we offer you something completely different: a picture of Jessica Alba in character as, uh, "a young woman who has retreated from the world and is consumed by numbers and math" in her upcoming film, An Invisible Sign of My Own. Here in California, we're still a little consumed with the number 8, so it's relief to lose ourselves in Alba's mousy brown hair, Ugly Betty garb, and shocking lack of makeup (this proves that she is smart because smart girls do not wear makeup, say the movies). Jess, we know you're trying to pull off the Oscar move known as "the Charlize," but we think we like you better when you're glammed up and muzzling the chick from Heroes. Click through for full-size. [Flynet]
We're 15 days away from arguably the most culturally charged election of the last 50 years, and it's not just David Letterman's outrage or Sarah Palin's SNL cameos moving the needle. In fact, the celebrity PSA crop of 2008 is as ripe as it's ever been — literally so, in fact, with every encouraging offering on the air giving way to three or four smug, pretentious, condescending or otherwise botched campaigns elsewhere. It happens every four years, as sure as the primaries; just when we think we'd seen it bottom out, along come Leonardo Di Caprio, Blake Lively, Carlos Mencia to knock us back to the Clinton era.
From megastars like Matt Damon to Cutting Edge alums like D.B. Sweeney, it seems like every celebrity in Hollywood has an opinion about this November's presidential election. Earlier this week, actress Jessica Alba decided to muzzle herself if that's what it would take to get America to vote (an enticing motivator, though perhaps not as compelling as keeping Diddy out of sight forever). Now, a curiously able-to-speak again Alba has decided to pay it forward, muzzling other celebrities like Heroes star Hayden Panettiere and 90210's Tristan Wilds (is this because he made out with Dakota? Is it?!). Props must be paid to Alba, whose maniacally enthusiastic pitch should probably shoot to the top of her reel. Extra points if she can sew Dane Cook's lips shut next time!
The clip, after the jump:
An election year will make stars do all kinds of crazy things, from role-playing to mile-high one-night stands. Jessica Alba tends to get especially frisky, with her recent participation in the voter-registration campaign Declare Yourself revealing a certain taste for bondage — as a metaphor for twisting in voiceless civic oblivion, of course, not her and Cash Warren's predilection when the baby is out at grandma's or wherever. Or maybe it's both! We just don't know. Point being, her duct-taped agony of a while back has today given way to the far more modest Hannibal Lecter muzzle, the latest DY ad to make its way public. (The Unrated, Extended Director's Cut follows the jump.)
Dane Cook is finally playing nice these days on behalf of his Mr. Fix-It remake new film My Best Friend's Girl, getting through an entire interview recently without once mentioning his mildly vagina-like face or those other movie-poster mishaps that so traumatized him last month. In their place, readers are treated to hints about Cook's sweeter, sensitive side — the leading man in him who prepares for onscreen interludes with a grueling two-month training routine for his mouth and hands:
· Will Smith will star in The Last Pharaoh, playing Taharqa, the actual pharaoh who fought off the Assyrian invasion of Egypt in 677 B.C. Didn't Eddie Murphy play that guy already in the "Remember The Time" video? [Variety]
· Jessica Alba will star in An Invisible Sign of My Own, based on an Aimee Bender novel about "a young woman who has retreated from the world and is consumed by numbers and math." Alba, we're told, will play this young woman's totally bangable, much hotter sister. [Variety]
· Spanking Shakespeare means different things to different people. To Paramount, it means a movie based on a young adult novel. To us, it reminds us of when he had no access to real porn, so we'd spank it to the Collected Works. What? Horatio was hot. [Variety]
· Tom Sizemore has joined the cast of Crash. He's clearly heard about the orgies. Good luck with that one, guys! [THR]
· In the Motherhood, a web series starring Chelsea Handler, Leah Remini and Jenny McCarthy based on real mom's stories, received a 13-episode order from ABC. The only surviving cast member is Handler, who'll be joined by Megan Mullally and Cheryl Hines. Don't we love those comediennes for the very fact that they are all the anti-mother? Who wants to see Karen or Mrs. David picking up their kids from soccer practice? [THR]
Ah, the three trimesters of Hollywood child birth: 1. pretend to love pregnancy, 2. schedule a c-section in order to sidestep any labour or stretching of siren vag, and 3. whore out your newborn's picture to the highest bidder. It's such a magical time! And while there are critics, it's a natural response to choose to splash your baby's face across the tabloids, especially when you constantly publicly reminisce about the good ol' days when you could buy panty liners in private. And why participate in the Hollywood Baby Bonanza? It's not like the early publicity will morph your kid into some kind of poorly mannered fauxhawked skunk. However, it will get you paid.
Okay. Until now, we'd tried to give Jessica Alba the benefit of the doubt. Sure, she's impossible to watch in any movie she's ever made, what with her amateur acting skills that include crafted facial expressions such as "I'm Happy, See, Because You Can See My Teeth!" and "I'm Sexy, See, Because You Can See My Bikini-Clad Butt!" And yes, she made pregnancy look like possibly the most miserable state of being, unlike all those other actresses who affected the standard Glow (see Naomi Watts and even Nicole Kidman, incapable of moving her face, yet still dewy and happy 'til the arrival of her daughter Sunday). But after reading an excerpt from new mum Alba in next month's UK Cosmo, we think it's safe to say the actress, who insults all male actors, obsesses over her weight, and shows warning signs of early Husband Emasculation, is on her way to becoming the next Katherine Heigl:
This probably won't come as a surprise to anyone who witnessed her seemingly hating every minute she spent pregnant, but new mum Jessica Alba has joined that elite niche of stars who lost all their baby weight at insanely rapid speeds. But the methods some celebrities have confessed to using when it comes to accelerating the path towards reclaiming their old figures don't sound entirely sane. From suffering through cabbage soup diets to dropping $50,000 on gym equipment in an effort to slim down at paces up to 14 days after giving birth, the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Richie and others have some highly unique and scary track records. Which stars drunk themselves into wine-induced oblivion and trusted online blood tests to reach their goals, after the jump.
