Life is getting harder and harder for 'Bolt' star Miley Cyrus in her 16th year, faced with so many of the crises that make our mid-teens such a dramatically turbulent era. Like the driving instructor taking less than kindly to her defiance behind the wheel ("I don't wanna turn left, I wanna turn right!"), all those cheapskate hangers-on who won't buy tickets to her shows, and the father whom the young phenom reduced to a punchline last Friday while in late-night conversation with Jay Leno. It must have been 'Miley Day' again; these rituals just get more and more painful for poor Billy Ray. [The Tonight Show]

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· Yes, that's essentially what happened last night—and if only that were the grossest moment. Enjoy! [Thanks to BestWeekEver.tv for the montage.]
· Here's the trailer for Disney's Race to Witch Mountain starring Dwayne Johnson. For contrast, here's the original, before Tia and Tony sold their product placement souls with all that Vegas stuff and MacBook levitations.
· Because it's just been that kind of day for Jennifer Aniston to get some festering stuff out into the open, she'd also like the world to know that she bears John Mayer no ill-will whatsoever for his rambling breakup monologue outside a NYC gym.
· Mickey Rourke issued an apology over his comment to a paparazzo, "Tell that faggot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs." Said Rourke, "I want to sincerely apologise for the derogatory word I used. It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone. What I should have said is, 'Tell that faggot who wrote all those falsehoods in the paper I'd like to break his misleading legs.' There. That's much better."
· Lance Bass is having a hard time getting rid of his giant Beverly Hills home, with a gym large enough for a dozen well-muscled circuit studs to really stretch out their quads and gluts. Knock a couple more inches off it, Lance. You'll unload it eventually.

Though Ellen DeGeneres still hasn't announced a major donation to the campaign to fight California's homophobic Proposition 8 (despite hosting a fundraiser for the animal rights-friendly Proposition 2), she at least denounced the proposition last night while guesting on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Even Leno himself got into the act by spreading a queer-friendly message of tolerance — one he no doubt hoped would erase memories of the time he badgered Ryan Phillippe to give the camera his "gayest look." Noting to DeGeneres that he spends a lot of time in West Hollywood, a surprised Leno called it, "the nicest area, the cleanest area, the safest area!" Is it the most "articulate" area, too, Jay? [The Tonight Show]

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While David Letterman spent the better part of his Late Show last night ripping into John McCain, things were no less political over on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Leno's guest was Dr. Phil, and talk turned not to negligent parents or feuding spouses but to the government bailout of Wall Street. Turns out: Dr. Phil? Not really a fan of that plan! Oh, how we long for the halcyon days of mid-January, when Dr. Phil was merely a Britney Spears-chasing charlatan and not a needed, sober voice on economic matters. Enjoy your Great Depression, America! [The Tonight Show]

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· We leave you today with a Defamer PSA emphasizing the perils facing anyone who dares so much as hint at the irrelevance of Dolly Parton. [NBC]
· Credit where credit is due, even if it goes to Tom O'Neil: The awards freak changed his Dramatic Emmy prediction for best actor to Bryan Cranston last Friday. [Gold Derby]
· Whoops! We take it all back: O'Neil actually bothered to report that Ricky Gervais and Steve Carell prearranged their Emmy "stunt" before the broadcast. [Gold Derby]
· Because three Tyler Perry films per year aren't enough, the filmmaker/mogul has launched a new shingle to develop movies for both other directors and new, alternate actors who can play Madea. [Variety]
· Warner Bros. lost its litigious warm-up for next year's Watchmen trial, failing to convince an Indian court that the film Hari Putter: A Comedy of Terrors infringed on its Harry Potter franchise. [NYT]
· "The vomit shot out of Megan Fox like water from a geyser." Being a little hard on Diablo Cody's dialogue there, aren't you, John Horn? [LAT]

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Following John McCain's tough appearance on The View last week, members of the McCain family are finally taking their gloves off. First, wife Cindy complained at a fundraiser that Whoopi & Co. had "picked our bones clean," and now potential First Daughter Meghan McCain has waded into the fray, spilling to Jay Leno the dirt she gathered on the View hostesses from her own, separate appearance. Surprised to find she liked Joy Behar, she instead targeted Barbara Walters, whose cruel, passive-aggressive rules about hugging left Meghan very confused. Not as confused as we were, though, when Meghan was asked what problem her mother had with The View, and she enigmatically answered, "I just think there's a lot of estrogen on that show." Meow? [The Tonight Show]

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Armed with his own circuitous logic and a disarming smile, Shia LaBeouf has proven himself as masterful at one-handed P.R. spin as he is twirling a stiletto. Remember how he turned his Walgreen's arrest into a hilarious comedy pitch about a young movie star's escalating feud with a drugstore security guard? (Throw in Bow Wow and Martin Lawrence, call it Crunk & Disorderly, it's as good as a slam dunk.) A terrible Indiana Jones installment only seems awful and cartoonish because the audience has devolved (or evolved? We still don't quite get this one), not the movie. And a DUI arrest and near fatal car accident becomes a life-affirming anecdote on The Tonight Show. By the end of the telling, the whole "DUI" part seems but a distant memory, as you're entirely too preoccupied with the closeup of the gnarled fingernail LaBeouf touchingly presents to Leno—a trophy from his ordeal, suitable for mounting—to concern yourself with the details of the case. [The Tonight Show]

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When we think of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, we picture a family-friendly forum where Republican candidates can come to read funny headlines out loud and maybe, finally, meet a real-life black musician. Lately, though, our G-rated suppositions have gone to hell as the lame-duck Leno has regaled the audience with stories about his interest in an underage Jessica Biel and his auto-erotic fantasies involving actress Scarlett Johansson. Into a more ribald chat show, then, does cheeky VMAs host Russell Brand walk — and boy, does he make the most of it:

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Sitting down with Rolling Stone for a rare interview, David Letterman opened up on his two-step process of alienating and courting some of his most famous guest-emies—towering pop culture figures like Madonna, Oprah, and Richard Simmons—as well as his own plans for retirement. ("I would like to go beyond [my contracted] 2010, not much beyond," he told them.) He was also asked to weigh in on the curious scheduling shift going on at his old network NBC, where top ratings-getter Jay Leno is being forcibly vacated to make room for new The Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien, and his Late Night successor, Jimmy Fallon. No one is more confused about the changes than Letterman:

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Now that Jay Leno has entered the lame duck phase of his relationship with the Peacock network, it appears that he's decided to abuse his position as America's top-rated celebrity interviewer as fuel for his sexual reveries for many moons to come. While interviewing a crestfallen Scarlett Johansson on Friday night about Vicky Christina Barcelona (itself a rather sexually charged subject), noted auto enthusiast Jay figured he'd use the opportunity to engage the voluptuous starlet in some automobile-related foreplay. You see, he had done some research in advance of the chat and discovered that Scarlett told a lad mag that her number one sexual fantasy involved having sex in a car. But while Jay stopped just short of confessing that he has Crash playing on an infinite loop in his 17,000 square foot warehouse / garage, it was clear by reading his clearly flabbergasted guest's face that she's rather looking forward to sitting next to Conan O'Brien the next time she makes her way through Burbank. [The Tonight Show]

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