You may recall that about six months ago, we posted a Photoshop contest winning entry featuring the inspired casting of Javier Bardem as everyone's favourite Prince of Dark Chocolateyness, Count Chocula. We said at the time that we'd definitely shell out for such a movie were it ever to be made, and threw out the suggestion of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Jake Gyllenhaal to play his monstrous kiddie cereal cohorts, Frankenberry and Boo Berry.

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· Taylor Hackford is shopping around Love Ranch—a brothel drama starring wife Helen Mirren (oooh!) and Joe Pesci (ewww!)—to studios in search of a distribution partner. [Variety]
· Javier Barden has signed on for Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's new movie, Biutiful, a Spanish-language film about "a man embroiled in shady dealings who is confronted by a childhood friend." We smell cattle bolt fumes! [Variety]
· Netflix, who we dumped since they decided to start charging more to rent Blu-ray (you hear us, Netflix? That's the reason. It wasn't us, it was you. Now stop e-mailing, because we found a new rental boyfriend) has hooked up with Samsung, whose new Blu-ray player is equipped to stream their movies. [Variety]

After the jump: What director does DreamWorks have on tap to fill Chicago 7 with cameos by his friends?

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Que lastima! Has the Johansson-on-Cruz-on Bardem threesome from Vicky Cristina Barcelona been excised? Well, no, although that didn't stop New York's Vulture reporters from declaring, "As die-hard Allen fans who'd love to see one of his movies turn a profit for once, we're sad to report that all threesomes are implied and happen strictly off-camera," which spurred a distraught Gawker to post "Vicky Cristina Barcelona's Big Three-Way Lie."

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In the latest issue of W, cover girl Penelope Cruz assures the reporter that she "never talk[s] about her private life to journalists...NEVER," Of course, a few grafs above, the pretty little beard-candy spends much of the interview talking, in great detail, about the most private of private issues we didn't even know we wanted to know! Penelope's "inner monsters" that have ruined her so-called relationships, why "sweating and bleeding" is her idea of "happiness," and far more after the jump:

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First things first: Yes, the accompanying new teaser for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona, features about two seconds of Penélope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson kissing. Everyone else is kissing as well: Cruz on Javier Bardem, Bardem on Johansson, so on, so forth. It's apparently the only thing happening in the film, as no sound emerges from peoples mouths when they speak, and no discernible plot line emerges in a minute and a half. We won't spoil the ending, but... Actually we will spoil the ending: Cruz fires a gun at you, the viewer. And as you try to position your head in front of the bullet, you've never felt more grateful. Thanks again for nothing, Weinstein Company. [YouTube]

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Defamer has learned that the Weinstein Company operative who months ago positioned Vicky Cristina Barcelona's three-way Scarlett Johansson/Penélope Cruz/Javier Bardem sex scene as "an extremely erotic" screen tryst that will "leave the audience gasping" was not likely the same representative who hooked director Woody Allen up this week with Entertainment Weekly. In a blurb featured in EW's new summer movie preview, the filmmaker dashed a million hormonal panics by tiredly setting the record straight:

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This pairing of actor and sugar-coated-horror material isn't yet on any studio production slate (it's rather the brainchild of a rogue Photoshopper answering Cracked.com's call for ill-conceived movie monsters), but that doesn't mean the idea is entirely without its merits. For once every comic book superhero has been plundered and replundered, producers of overbaked summer blockbusters will be forced to draw from other beloved, hand-drawn characters of our youth. And hey, once we're fantasising about Oscar-winning talent like Bardem in the lead, there's no reason why we couldn't shoot for the moon in rounding out the rest of the cast of The Brown Knight: Count Chocula Begins: Philip Seymour Hoffman as Franken Berry, and Jake Gyllenhaal in the role of their dreamy-eyed sidekick, Boo Berry.

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Haven't you heard? Stripping is back en vogue again (again)! Partly thanks to Ms. Busey-Hunt herself, the IdolStripperGate nonsense, and all those former strippers blogging away in support of the feminist cause that is taking your clothes off for money, our slideshow-happy friends at Us Magazine have dredged up the secret pasts of some other former private dancers. And though some may not surprise you (Courtney Love? NO! WAY!), there are also some Hollywood A-listers on their list. Find out after the jump which three Oscar nominees have, at one time or another, had to pull crumpled George Washingtons from their crotches after a long night of hustling.

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Even though Hollywood's A-List was deprived of a chance to eat and drink on Vanity Fair's dime last night, two fiestas proved that celebrities will not let a little thing like tradition get in the way of a night of free booze and swag. Elton John's Annual AIDS Foundation Oscar Party usually has a strong turnout of power players, but the star wattage at the 16th incarnation of the bash last night was a few standard deviations past the norm, thanks mainly to the absence of Graydon Carter's soiree. Highlights included Tilda Swinton kissing her Oscar in some sort of Buddhist mating ritual, as well as the public debut of Hollywood's newest power couple, Sean Penn and Petra Nemcova. We've got pictures after the jump.

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