For a very brief moment, we thought Jamie had very succinctly torn Joel a new one in his goodbye video.

Joel. Joel, I really don't like you I never have.

We gasped in excitement, but further down the transcript, the truth was revealed.

Joel, I was only joking, you know that. You're more than just a funny guy. Let everyone see the real Joel. Whip him out, let everyone have a look. That's all I can say.

Because we're bitterly disappointed Jamie's farewell message didn't contain anything controversial, we're going to choose to believe that his last instruction to Joel - "Whip him out, let everyone have a look..." - is about Joel's penis.

In other news, how's the homo-erotic tension between Joel and Billy? Huh? It can't be just us who saw it on the Daily Show last night! They run out to the back yard to hold each other, they love nothing better than stripping off and spa-ing together... they are definitely secretly bumming each other and Aleishshaisheesshsseaaaaaaaa or whatever the fuck her name is has been employed by Billy as a beard in true Scientology fashion.

Perhaps he is bribing her with lollies he saved from the period he was nicking stuff from the other housemates? We don't bloody know. We just like a good, ridiculous conspiracy theory now and then. It makes things more tolerable and infinitely more watchable once you're madly hunting for a rainbow-coloured subtext in every interaction.

Big Brother's resident nerd Jamie was evicted last night from the house. Here's a few things we noted during the eviction show, delivered in snappy point form as our brain is functioning at low speed due to suffering nicotine withdrawals.

- Jamie, you cannot blame EVERYTHING on alcohol. We know this for a fact, because we have tried it repeatedly in our own life and it gets real old, real quick.

- Hey Gretel, could you make your dislike of Jamie anymore obvious?

- You could? Oh, wonderful!

- We like Jamie in a theoretical sense, but find him quite difficult to watch in a David Brent sort of way.

We also don't believe this for a minute.

Big Brother housemate Jamie says he is such a nerd that when he worked at a sex shop during his university years, he would ignore the racks of pornographic magazines to pour over his text books.

We assume Jamie's version of not masturbating over porn mags is quite similar to his version of "not crying" ie: TOTALLY LEGITIMATE.