Beloved Australian sporting icon Ian Thorpe is excited. Bloody excited. And why wouldn't he be? He's dipping his toe in the water that is the thrilling world of mortgage broking!

Ian Thorpe, Australia's greatest Olympian, has become a mortgage broker, of sorts. The former world-beating swimmer is a partner in a new website, launched yesterday, that matches banks and mortgage lenders with potential borrowers.

How does Thorpey feel about being involved in such a wondrous online venture? Oh yeah, we talked about this. He's excited. SO EXCITED!

"I'm so excited by it," Thorpe said. "I was introduced to the concept about a year ago and loved it. It takes away all of the daunting elements about applying for a mortgage and introduces healthy competition into the market as the banks vie for your business."

You know what, Thorpey? I don't think you're excited about mortgage broking at all. I think you're just saying that because you're being paid to. And I can't muster up false enthusiasm for this either, because unlike when you launched your fragrance Thorpe For Men, there are no cheap and dirty jokes to be found in this story. I'm depressed. This is the worst Wednesday EVER.

MORE: Ian Thorpe enters the mortgage game with ziggybid.com.au

Look at that face on the left. Gorgeous, isn't it? And to think, it's allegedly laying the charm on an attractive but lonely Australian superstar! Who, you may ask? Well, I'll tell you who it's bloody not - Ian Thorpe! Because Thorpey is in love with a girl, dammit, and from what Ros Reines can figure out, she must live in LA. Good luck to you Thorpey! I support your love! Yay vagina!

But enough talk of the lovely straight gentle giant Ian Thorpe though, it's time we discovered the single Australian our mystery handsome gent - his name is Andres Velencoso, by the way... sexy or what?! - is really wooing. Jump!

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The world of "celebrity" is filled with slashies, that is, people who can't resist sliding a slash between their various careers. Actor/model, model/actress, muso/entrepreneur, gardener/male stripper - the list goes on. Well, Ian Thorpe is keen to become the first swimmer/pearl-necklace peddler/visual artist with his painterly effort for a charity auction, darkly entitled My Pain, My Gain, featuring a stylised Thorpedo - ahem - "powering through the water with tiny human figures all over him".

"When I was a kid I used to imagine within my body there were all these mini people and the people in my goggles were the control room," Thorpe said.

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After Melbourne's Herald Sun Confidential made it clear that the hopes of the nation (i.e. their hopes for a brand new gay icon) were resting on the shoulders of Ian Thorpe, the Thorpedo has gone and dashed their hopes on the craggy rocks of heterosexuality. He is, it seems, dating a woman.

Can't you just feel their disappointment?

Former swimming champion Ian Thorpe has nudged one step closer to diving into the deep end of his famously private love life.

But it may not create the splash most were anticipating.

After quitting his swimming career to get a life and lessen the intense media scrutiny, the Thorpedo has once again created ripples after last week announcing he was in love with "a special someone".

After initially refusing to reveal the gender of his "newbie" love, the master of suspense yesterday announced it was indeed a female who has caught his eye.

"I am in a new relationship and I am very happy ... except she lives on the other side of the world," Thorpe told Woman's Day.

It's surprising to think that the Confidential crowd haven't gotten over the idea that a man who likes fashion and tanning and occasionally wears pearl necklaces isn't necessarily gay, but there you have it.

It's okay, Confidential, call LifeLine or something.

Whether we like it or not (and I don't), and particularly since he's stopped swimming competitively and tends to hang out at fashion events and on Australia's Next Top Model, Ian Thorpe's sexuality has become a hotly debated topic of conversation amongst the gossip set.

To wit, this piece from today's Herald Sun Confidential, which is a run-on from discussing an interview Thorpe gave in Who in which he was evasive about his love life:

Gender specifics aside, the real test may come when the Foxtel personality appears on Rove to promote the History Channel's swimming special this Sunday night.

How will Thorpe respond to Rove's trademark question "Who would you turn gay for?"

What would be great would be if Thorpey turned up clutching a handbag, squealed about Armani and Liza Minelli all night, and then hollered "BARBRA STREISAND!!" when Rove asks said question, before dumping a bucket of porridge on Rove's head, shouting "punk'd!" and then performing Judas Priest's Breakin' The Law as a torch song backed by the Tony Bartuccio Dancers.

That ought to at least shut them up through the powers of extreme confusion if nothing else.

Sounds like Ian "I'm an environmentalist now" Thorpe's ego is getting a little too big for his flippers.

According to Defamer operatives, a prominent and immediately recognisable NSW politician was at a sporting match some time last year with his son, who, we're told, was a huge fan of Thorpe's.

When they brushed past Thorpie, the prominent and immediately recognisable NSW Politician thought he'd win some brownie points with his son, by saying hello to the Thorpster, and telling him how much of fan they both were.

Unfortunately though, the NSW State Representative was completely shot down with a dismissive grunt, swiftly followed by a turned back.

Well fuck you too, Thorpie. We supported you though two Olympics, stuck up for you despite your questionable fashion choices and strange obsession with girls' jewellery, and put up with far too many shithouse ads for Uncle Toby's. The least you can do is say hello.