I've always heard that gardening and spending quality time with plantlife kept you all Zen and shizz, but latest reports in the paper would indicate that's not the case. Oprah's new favourite plaything Jamie Durie and Australia's other top dude who digs stuff on a renovation show Scott Cam are bitching about each other with all the spite and venom one would expect from teenage girls. And I for one love it.

The gardening gloves are off, with Jamie Durie's former Nine co-star Scott Cam shaming the Seven personality for "offensive" comments he made which pitted Durie's new program against the makeover of Sydney survivor Lauren Huxley.

Uh-oh. Did golden boy Jamie actually say something offensive? Say it ain't so!

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Oh my LORD. I know deep inside my soul that I shouldn't be nearly as gripped by Lindsay Lohan's personal life as I am, but when celebrities turn to their MySpazz blogs to get things off their chest, they capture my attention and I'm rendered helpless by their poorly spelled charm (see also Allen, L and Love, C).

And so, after reading our American cousin's take on "bad dads", I found myself on Lindsay Lohan's MySpace page this morning reading a rant against her father Michael. US Defamer quoted a bit of Lindsay's outburst, but just in case you didn't bother checking out Lindsay's blog entry in its entirety, I thought I should point out this rather adorable excerpt.

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I love Lily Allen. And Lily Allen loves a drink and indulging in bad behaviour, or so the tabloids in the UK are informing us today, with snaps emerging of Lily leaving a venue in Soho and swinging a punch in the direction of an unknown woman (who appears to find the whole thing incredibly amusing rather than threatening).

From the descriptively titled article Wild Lily Allen lashes out at a woman during a heavy night out in the Daily Mail...

Lily Allen threw a punch at a passer-by during a drinking session in London's Soho early this morning.

Witnesses suggested Lily reacted after being heckled as she left Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club at 2am. With a short reach, the punch appeared to fail to connect.

Failed to connect? That's poor fisticuff form, Allen!

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It's not all water under the bridge between rap superstar Jay-Z and Oasis' very own King Of The Rhyming Dictionary Noel Gallagher, with Jay-Z obviously still sore about Noel's comments back in April that booking Jay-Z as the headliner for a guitar-based festival (?) like Glastonbury was 'wrong'.

Although Jay-Z had a cheeky pop at Noel Gallagher during his time onstage at Glasto (starting his set with his own rendition of Wonderwall), it's obviously not enough to make him feel like he's come out a winner in this feud. So he's had another bash at Noel during a concert at Madison Square Garden.

"That bloke from Oasis said I couldn't play guitar Somebody should have told him I'm a fucking rockstar!"

Your move, Gallagher.

When rock icons of yesteryear clash... Former frontman of The Jam/The Style Council, the mod king himself Paul Weller, has spoken out against Sex Pistol (and reality television star) John Lydon, stating that Lydon has - thanks to his appearances on shows like I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here - become the "antithesis" of Johnny Rotten.

"I don't really understand him anymore," Weller explained. "He's become the antithesis of what he once was. Does he need the money?

And Weller's opinion regarding Lydon's recent sookfest about music festivals not being like they were back in the old days, and weren't the Sex Pistols grand, etc?

"Perhaps he misses the adulation, the buzz. Nostalgia has become a whole industry in itself... and I don't like it. You can never recapture what has gone."

We await My Lydon's riposte.

(Via XRRF)

Oh, my. I do love when Crikey starts their daily email to subscribers with the textual equivalent of a king hit, and today they didn't disappoint, slamming former King of Mayo Alexander Downer in three punchy paragraphs.

What a bloody sook Alexander Downer is. His response today in The Sydney Morning Herald to Peter Hartcher's savage farewelling of him last week contains a standard-issue lament about the anti-conservative bias of the Australian media.

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Man, next time I go out for a bender, I'm taking the delightfully feisty Federal MP Belinda Neal with me. Now there's a woman who knows how to get what she wants, and isn't afraid to (allegedly) spit in someone's face to get it.

It seems Belinda Neal just had a wee scuffle with the folks from A Current Affair, and the police were called. Ben Fordham, the "reporter" whose important job requires him to have deft skills when it comes to stairwell mustering, has given some ace quotes to the media about what happened.

"I threw some questions at her when she got out of the car. The same sort of questions I suppose that the police want answered at the moment (<-- ED: WORK IT, BEN!), and it developed into quite an angry confrontation."

"So the police have turned up. It's quite ironic - these are the police who would really like to be sitting down and quizzing her." (<-- ED: IT'S A GOOD JOKE BEN, WORTH USING TWICE. EXCELLENT ALANIS MORISSETTE-ESQUE GAG! EIGHTY THUMBS UP!)

Anyway, if it all goes wrong for Belinda Neal and she ends up booted from the Labor Party, may I suggest she investigate the world of bouncing? Even a quick glance at her picture makes me want to straighten up and behave properly lest I cop an earful of spirited abuse (amongst other things)... Ben Fordham's lucky he escaped with his life!

Thanks to reader Johnny for pointing out that audio of the Derryn Hinch/Mick Gatto on air slapfight is now available on YouTube.

Hilarious - I love the bit where Mick Gatto's comeback to being called scum is "You wanna take a look in the mirror, and you'll see what scum is. You see what scum is if you look in the mirror, mate, cause you are scum."

VINTAGE 'I KNOW YOU ARE, YOU SAID YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?' RIPOSTE!

Surprising absolutely no one, yesterday underworld figure Mick Gatto fired up and cut loose with threats and jibes toward Derryn Hinch after being insulted on air by the 3AW shock jock.

I think my favourite aspect of this whole story is that the pair apparently both happened to have a copy of Paul Keating's Guide To Verbal Fisticuffs handy when their radio tussle kicked off.

Hinch, fresh from a two-week holiday, opened his program on Fairfax radio station 3AW attacking the celebrity status attained by Melbourne underworld figures, including Gatto, particularly since the Nine Network drama Underbelly aired outside Victoria.

The scathing editorial prompted Gatto to phone in.

"You are scum, and I tell you what, I have a punching bag at home with your name on it and I punch the s*** out of it," Gatto told Hinch.

Hinch hit back.

"If burning you is my job in life, I'll be more than happy to do it. I think you and all your ilk and all your mob and the Carlton Crew and the Carl Williamses of this world, you are all scum."

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In a Friday feel good story which is sure to warm the cockles of even the iciest heart, the papers are reporting today that Shannon Noll has officially kissed and made up with comedian Wil Anderson over Anderson's disastrous comic jab directed at Shannon Noll's dad a few years back.

After admitting his jibe about Shannon Noll's late father was "the biggest regret of my career", Wil Anderson finally got to kiss and make up with the Australian Idol product live on air yesterday.

But the fisticuffs were shelved for a studio love-in when Noll rolled up to Triple M headquarters to finally receive the hyped apology he has been expecting for more than two years.

In between the many "mates" and the handshakes, the tension which has long simmered between the pair dissipated as Anderson sincerely admitted to having been a "total dickhead"

Wait, was that last bit a general apology? If so, we accept. I won't even pop on my beret of cynicism and put this entire thing down to an attempt to boost ratings/distract folk from the infamous Pissed At The Snowy concert. I'm glad you're mates again, you handsome Aussie bastards.