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Mysterious Heart Condition, Pissus Weakiousness, Delays Gary Glitter’s Return To UK

9:54AM Clem Bastow | If there’s one thing I’m really pissed of about regarding the whole Gary Glitter paedophilia fracas (you know, apart from the fact that he touched up little girls), it’s the fact that I can no longer blare Rock & Roll, Pt 2 out like there’s no tomorrow without feeling slightly nauseous. Glam rock-related disappointment aside (oh, look at the time), Glitter – aka Paul Gadd – is due to return to the UK and in an incredibly surprising move, has delayed his flight back because – to borrow The Daily Mail’s inverted commas – he’s had a “heart attack“. Is that what they’re calling it these days? The convicted paedophile was due to be deported home after serving 27 months in a Vietnamese prison for abusing two young girls. More »

Where’s Your Husband, Peaches?

10:30AM Clem Bastow | After surprising everyone including her own father by getting hitched in Vegas’ Little White Wedding Chapel, Peaches Geldof has arrived back in Old Blighty without her new husband. Which is probably, when you think of it, even less surprising than the marriage itself! I put $5 on the marriage being over by October 14th – anyone want to raise me? However, I was particularly taken aback by this disturbing little bit of information that the Tele quietly slipped into their coverage: More »

A Pleasant Mental Image For Your Afternoon: Kerry Packer And Heather Mills, Sitting In A Tree…!

1:31PM Clem Bastow | Just when you thought you’d heard the last of Heather Mills, she’s baaaack, and bringing with her possibly the most gruesome alleged twosome we’ve ever had the displeasure of imagining: new reports suggests that the late Kerry Packer was Mills’ “sugar daddy“! A new documentary outs Kerry Packer as a “sugar daddy” of Heather Mills when the ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney was working as a high-class call girl, according to London’s Daily Mail. Denise Hewitt, who says she worked as a £10,000 escort with Ms Mills in the Eighties, makes the claims in a program to be aired on the UK’s Channel 4. Ms Hewitt, 44, is quoted as saying: “We went into high-class prostitution behind closed doors and nobody knew about it…[billionaire arms dealer Adnan] Kashoggi, Kerry Packer and one of the Royal princes of Saudi, they were the big fish and there were a couple of others that were classed as Heather’s sugar daddies. Lordy, we don’t know what to think – after all, the British press has been at pains to paint Mills as a psychotic, money-grubbing sex maniac for some time now, so it could well be malarkey. But as far as the mental image of Kerry and Heather rutting it out on a bed of money, let us be the first to say: And that will be the last we say on the matter! More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: No Glove, No Love

11:47AM Clem Bastow | Amy Winehouse might be writing “suicidal” choons and scratching her face to bits like some Dickensian flophouse resident, but at least she can pull it together when it’s time to have tea with hubby (in jail). Yes, Winegums actually scrubbed up quite nicely for her access visit with Blake Fielder-Civil, even thoughtfully donning gloves so that, presumably, a) she wouldn’t spread impetigo germs all over her own face and b) so she could lovingly give Blake a full cavity search. Er, sorry, so she wouldn’t infect him, either. Amy has been battling the infection impetigo, and it looks as if she’s taken to wearing rubber gloves to prevent the condition worsening. More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Two Thousand And Great!

3:02PM Clem Bastow | Lord, lord, lord… In case you didn’t already think that Amy’s case of “impetigo”, or the news that Blake Fielder-Civil self-harms when Amy doesn’t make her prison visits on time (according to a prison “source” quoted in the article below, “he is cut to ribbons but carries on gashing his arms with razor blades”), was bad enough, how about this corker: Gordon Smart from Bizarre reckons the sore on Amy’s face is from… stubbing a fag out on her cheek! Winner! The troubled star was with pals when she was asked THREE TIMES by staff to put out her Marlboro Light because of the smoking ban. As she received her final warning, Amy stared straight into the waitress’s eyes and pushed the burning tip of the fag into her own face. A source at the diner said: “She hardly flinched because she was so high. The whole place was open-mouthed in horror.” Amy tried to conceal the wound with foundation — but it has now apparently become infected, causing the swelling on her cheek. Well, we don’t really know what to make of it all. We’d love to say, “Psht, that Smartarse (GEDDIT) is just making up stories”, but given Amy and Blake’s history, unfortunately it’s more likely to be the cold, hard truth than it is to be a wildly inaccurate rumour started in the subeditor’s office. Don’t do drugs, kids! Or, at least, don’t do them with Amy Winehouse or Blake Fielder-Civil! More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Amy Brings Blake The Gift Of Pestilence

3:59PM Clem Bastow | We have spent the past few months hoping that someone might deliver Blake Fielder-Civil a special prison present of, dunno, a hamper full of plague rats, but have been left disappointed. However, we may be about to get our wish (well, at least a very pale imitation of it) after wife Winegums visited Blake, despite being currently waylaid with ultra-infectious impetigo. Lick it up, Blakey! Not even a case of highly-contagious impetigo could stop Amy Winehouse from visiting incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil. The singer left her East London house today to visit her husband in Pentonville prison despite still having a noticeably swollen face. … Husband Blake Fielder-Civil, 25, has had fifty stitches in his arms and legs after self-harming in his cell at Pentonville prison, North London. A source said: “He madly misses Amy, and it frustrates him that she can’t even turn up on time when she visits.” Cor, that husband of yours is really a keeper, Amy. Cutting himself when you don’t turn up on time – what else does he do, hold his breath when you get cross with him? Find your favourite shoes and wee in them? Let’s hope Amy does give Blake impetigo – OF THE BRAIN. More »

Amy Winehouse: Bags Not Sitting Next To Winegums On The Bus

3:38PM Clem Bastow | By now we’re used to Our Winegums occasionally stepping out looking, shall we say, a little less than perfect, but her current incarnation is possibly taking that all a little too far – in short, it looks like she’s picked up Bubonic Plague during one of her night-walks through London. According to her publicist, however, the truth is even tastier than that – Amy’s got cooties! A spokesman for Amy told the newspaper: “Amy has been diagnosed with impetigo which she’s been told can be highly contagious. Because of that she’s been put on antibiotics and may have to stay home alone for the next few days.” Impetigo is an infection of the skin caused by a bacteria which causes a blistered crusty rash. According to our doctor one of those online medical guides, “Impetigo starts as a red sore that quickly ruptures, oozes for a few days and then forms a yellowish-brown crust that looks like honey or brown sugar. The disease is highly contagious, and scratching or touching the sores is likely to spread the infection to other parts of the body as well as to other people.” Mmm! Perhaps Amy can cover up with some of her signature range of make-up and accessories? More »

Sting Spotted Sucking Wife’s Toes On Sydney Harbour; Later Pulling Tantric Sex Moves At Top Of Opera House

1:30PM Clem Bastow | Well, maybe not, but at least the first part of our headline is true – those wacky Tantra-loving Brits are at it again! As you will likely be aware, The Police have brought their reunion tour to Australia, and in the meantime between concert dates, Sting, his wife Trudie Styler, and their kids are hanging out on the monster-bucks boat that Sting hired to moor in Sydney Harbour. Ostensibly this was so they could have a prime posi for the New Year’s Eve celebrations, but now we know the truth, i.e. that it’s a great place to get into a little “Squidgy” action. Docked in Sydney harbour on a hired yacht costing £17,500 a day, Sting gently raised Trudie Styler’s left leg to his mouth – and sucked her toes. The Police singer, whose personal life has been surrounded by rumours of tantric sex and swingers’ parties, also found time to massage her feet as she reclined on a sunlounger. Really, by this time in all our lives we should expect nothing less from Sting and Styler. It’s like that crazy old lady you always see on the tram; “Oh, there she goes again”. We were, though, tickled by this comment left on the Daily Mail site after the article: “Surprised that either of them has time for anyone else – they are so far up themselves.” “Freddie” from Northants, we salute you! More »

Moving House An Indignity Even To Supermodels

10:20AM Clem Bastow | Having to pack up all your possessions and move house is one of life’s least pleasant activities, particularly when you’re worried the buff blokes hired to lift your heavy objects might cop an eyeful of your S&M gear/Richard Clayderman record collection/commode/lifetime supply of Depends. Well, spare a thought for Kate Moss, who is currently shifting home base, and whose stained mattress – don’t we all have one of them, even if only metaphorically? – made it into the tabloids as it wobbled outside her soon-to-be vacated Notting Hill abode. An onlooker said: “I doubt Kate was best pleased everyone caught a glimpse of her dirty mattress. “There was a definite big brown mark.” Hopefully it’s got nothing to do with the anal incontinence issues that may have plagued ex-BF Pete Doherty and more to do with, er, eating a romantic dinner in bed with new squeeze Jamie Hince. Either that or it’s Ms Moss who needs a lifetime supply of Depends. More »

Good Charlotte Keep Their Hands Off Their Girls, On Dean Geyer’s

10:30AM Clem Bastow | It seems Good Charlotte’s recent display of airport normality was but a shoddy façade meant to disguise their true “rockstar” natures, as word has it that the Madden twins invited the Origliasso twins back to their dressing room at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Who would’ve thought that such nice-looking young men could potentially act so sleazily? Sydney spies report that brothers Benji and Joel Madden – who are both famously spoken for by Sophie Monk and Nicole Richie respectively – invited Brisbane’s own twin rockers The Veronicas to their dressing room before the show. The former Wavell Heights girls were later seen leaving their room and Lisa Origliasso was overhead saying to her sister Jess, “I can’t believe he just hit on you”. Confidential reckon it was Benji, since his fiancee Sophie Monk was outta town, flying back to the US to negotiate a deal. Looks like her fiance might’ve “negotiated” some “deals” of his own in her absence, eh, eh? More »