"Boys pants, half-off." That's the punchline to one of our favourite Michael Jackson jokes. ("Why did Jackson go to Wal-Mart?") But now you really can own a pair of Jackson's underpants, via the creepiest eBay auction since Courtney Love's Papsmearpalooza For Charity. From Page Six:

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If your acting career isn't going the way you had hoped, may we humbly suggest you kick start things by buying yourself a role in a summer superhero blockbuster? "But that's impossible," you're no doubt saying to yourself. "Hollywood is the quintessential meritocracy, where with nothing but hard work, talent, and some good luck thrown in, all your wildest fantasies can come true!" Well you keep telling yourself that. We'll be over here, emptying our 401k and cashing our Bar Mitzvah bonds to make sure we win this Spider-Man 4 VIP Experience eBay auction, a bounty including:

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Remember a while back we told you how the death of McLeod's Daughters seemed to have left star Simmone Jade McKinnon's mortgage repayments in a wretched state?

Well, a little bird in the form of the Hun's Melbourne Confidential has, while rootling around on the auction site for, er, cargo pants, found some McKinnon/McLeod's related items on eBay, so naturally I decided to get amongst the eBay bidding frenzy for the casual duds and see for myself - and here they are. From the auctions we can see that McKinnon is a Size 10 in the pants and a 12 in the top, and other such thrilling information.

Has it come to this, Simmone? Is "sambo.no.1" really you?

In any case, and on the topic of McLeod's related eBay sales, I am more interested in this item, hilariously titled "From the famouse TV show Mcleods Daughter Size 12."

Sadly, the auction turned out to be for a polo shirt, not an actual McLeod's Daughter Sized 12. More's the pity.

When it comes to "they'd be rolling in their graves" behaviour of deceased celebrities' families after their loved one has passed away, you'd struggle to find a more worthy contender for the "worst ever" crown than the Hutchences.

As though it wasn't bad enough that Rhett Hutchence had hawked a few bags of brother Michael's belongings and scribblings on eBay (though he stopped short of using one of my favourite related phrases, "It's what he would've wanted"), now sister Tina has caught the auction bug, logging on with a particularly naff username to offload some Michael memorabilia:

Under the guise of the distasteful username lilytigerlily - a reference to the Australian rocker's daughter - Tina Hutchence endeavoured to sell the handwritten lyrics to the INXS track Wild Life featured on the band's highest-selling 1987 album, Kick.

"Written on an 8-inch by 12-inch page in Michael Hutchence's scratchy handwriting, torn out of a notebook," the item description reads.

"It was among some papers Michael left in storage in Hong Kong and turned over to his family in 1999.

"The paper is slightly discoloured but in good condition."

After initially listing the item at a starting bid of $US300, Hutchence - who lives in Nevada - shut down the sale when potential buyers began asking too many questions about the authenticity of the lyrics.

Ten bucks says sooner or later one of them will pick up a belt at the op shop and try to pass it off as "an important piece of memorabilia for any INXS fan or collector, LOOK NOW! Rare!"

We were amused to learn yesterday that Triple J Breakfast host The Doctor has decided to pop partner in crime Marieke Hardy up on eBay, a la ScarJo. Radio fans (and, if you're more old school, scary blogstalkers) will be thrilled to discover that the winner of this eBay auction will receive the following...

A night with Marieke Hardy!

The successful bidder will receive a night out on the tiles with slightly shop-soiled radio host, Marieke Hardy from Triple J's Breakfast Program; Robbie, Marieke and the Doctor. Included in the night* will be:

2 tickets to taping of First Tuesday Book Club

1 dink on the Doctor's bicycle to the studio (no hills)

1 Miner's elastic headlight to read by

1 packet vegan party franks from the Triple J fridge

1 rendition of a Tom Waits song by Marieke, Scarlett Johannsen-style

All money goes to registered charity to be agreed upon by successful bidder and Marieke.

Note: the date ends at 8:20pm, Marieke's bed time.

We just spoke to Marieke on the phone in order to confirm everything was actually "fo shizz" and not just a hilarious gag, and informed her that the current highest bid was now $1,025.

"NO WAY!", she shrieked, and yelled to her producer "Hey, the auction's up to $1,025!"

We then heard the voice of her disbelieving producer Amelia hollering back "WHAT? WHO IS DOING THIS?"

We have no idea.

If you'd like a night with Marieke Hardy, get bidding - the auction closes on the 11th March. We can personally vouch that she will corrupt you you'll have a delightful time. Warning though, you may have to sit through her talking endlessly about her love of Maroon 5.

Whilst trawling through Ebay last night in order to distract ourselves from the fact our puppy was doing lewd and disturbing things to a seat cushion outside, we stumbled across this wonderful piece of memorabilia signed by Madge Bishop! AND IT'S ONLY $12.00!

The buyer described the nugget of signatory gold as follows...

THIS IS A INDEX CARD WHICH HAS BEEN HAND SIGNED BY AUSTRALIAN ACTRESS, ANNE CHARLESTON WHO IS BEST KNOWN FOR HER ROLE AS MADGE BISHOP IN THE HIT T.V SOAP, NEIGHBOURS. ITEM IS IN EXCELLENT CONDITION.

Hand signed? Wow. Charleston is renown for being a stickler for signing things with her feet, Daniel Day Lewis stylez, so grabbing this hand signed index card is not only wise if you're just a rabid Neighbours fan, it's a MUST if you value all things culturally important for Australia.

Feel free to buy it for us as a birthday present, if you life. We would love it almost as much as we love our signed Dr Karl card which features the phrase "banging whores".

We have no idea what anyone but the most psychotically obsessed Lindsay Lohan fan might want with an empty Domino's box that was delivered to her family's Long Island home while she was sneaking off to Cirque Lodge for a third try at rehab - after all, since she never touched it, one can't even reasonably hope to clone her from the DNA in an auburn hair stuck to the grease spot on its bottom. Still, for the dedicated Lohan-watcher, there might be some value in owning any part of her historic meltdown, no matter how peripheral; maybe winning the very affordable auction for the pizza box could hold someone over until he has an opportunity to blow his life savings on Lindsay's highly collectible coke-pants once they make their inevitable eBay appearance.

• LINDSAY LOHAN DOMINOS PIZZA BOX FROM HER LI HOME [eBay]

And with one palate-cleansing Britney Spears post, we return to our regularly scheduled Lindsay Lohan Meltdown (May '07) coverage, which we shall divvy up in handy, bulleted fashion:
· In troubling times like these, there's nothing like a reassuring NY Post headline to put things into perspective. [NY Post]
· Fragments of the accident wreckage recovered from the scene have appeared on eBay, and currently have a top bid of $US800. Just to make it clear: You are bidding on pieces of her crashed Mercedes. The two items on the right aren't her ribs. [eBay]
· Leslie Sloane Zelnik's much-anticipated official statement on the matter is something of a letdown: "Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility." Sure, the press gets a light scolding, but it's woefully lacking in accusatory venom. [TMZ]
· Don't start dialing your local cable company of PPV ordering info for Lohan-Hilton: Caged Heat Extreme Fighting Championship just yet. Lindsay will most probably not end up doing any hard time for her crimes. [USA Today]
· Lohan's role opposite Shirley MacLaine in Poor Things is - surprise! - increasingly looking like it's not going to happen. [TMZ]

You'd probably be in with a chance, if you were into collecting these kind of things, because it's currently selling for $US19.50 - WHAT A BARGAIN!

Says the seller...

You are bidding on an original 1950's mind set. Genuine period flaws make this a truly unique item. While the internal mechanism (not visible in photo) is damaged, it still spins at full speed. The veneer is in splendid condition. You will be disappointed or your money back.

Lovely.