7:06AM Jess McGuire | Because we’re just in that sort of mood this morning, we’d like to begin by looking at the positives in
this article regarding Bindi Irwin’s new incarnation as a talking doll.
Firstly,
Dark Crystal fans, Bindi is still being officially classified as human. Says mother Terri “She is still a nine-year-old human being. She is a real girl,” which is comforting – if there’s one thing Terri Irwin knows about, it’s the classification of animal species.
Secondly, Bindi is like a Mr Chips for nature-obsessed children. Continues Terri “She takes being a role model seriously, she equates what she does with being a teacher, like her teacher Miss Emma.”
Please note, it is highly unlikely Miss Emma is a plump affable middle-aged human tutor with a heart of gold, but rather some kind of hyper-intelligent monitor lizard from Papua New Guinea who communicates with Bindi using a complex combination of tail flicks and text messaging. At best, Miss Emma is a strict but wise orangutan. Australia Zoo only allows four human members of staff on the grounds at the one time, and the merch store requires many human fingers to handle the complex EFTPOS machine.
Thirdly, Terri does not want Bindi to grow up feeling different from other children, even though, you know, Bindi is quite rich, famous, lives in a Zoo, and is completely different from pretty much every other child her age.
Mrs Irwin was left to launch the doll, which plays recorded messages from Bindi, at a New York toy fair alone after organisers banned children.
Bindi and her mother declined a special offer to allow her to attend because other children were unable to see the wonderland of toys.
“They said they would make an exception for Bindi, I said ‘No thank you, I don’t want Bindi to grow up being the exception’,” Mrs Irwin said.
We fear it will be quite impossible to imagine a room full of kids where Bindi wouldn’t be considered the odd one out, but whatever. Noble sentiments from Terri Irwin.
Alright, now we must get to the more disturbing aspects of the article.
Bindi saw the dolls, which repeat favourite sayings such as “love it, don’t hurt it”, on Saturday night in New York and told her mother it was every girl’s dream to have their own doll.
Bindi’s favourite saying is “love it, don’t hurt it”?
We cannot personally come up with anything more horrendous and frightening than the idea of being surprised by a small doll with Bindi Irwin features which repeatedly howls “LOVE IT DON’T HURT IT” in our direction but hey, that’s just us.
Bindi’s young brother Robert is the only family member not to have a doll, with dolls of Mrs Irwin and her crocodile hunter husband already on sale.
Oh, Bob Bob. You continue to keep it so real. With Bob Bob, it’s all about the conservation, you know? Not the trappings of fame like dolls and spin off rap projects (although
we still want Bindi to win the ARIA for Best Urban Release this year) and
meddling in Britney Spears’ troubled life.
Keep on keepin’ on, Bob Bob.
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