Wondering what Sam Newman's been up to since Channel Nine brass advised him to take a break and recover from his dickheadishness recent operation? Been having visions of him sitting in his armchair, covered by a crochet blanket and drinking Cup'A'Soup in front of Oprah?

Well, he's really been putting his feet up - if by that you possibly mean "...on the table at Crown".

Sam Newman was back with his Footy Show mates on Sunday at a dinner at Crown Casino to celebrate the show's Logies success.

The event at Number 8 was hosted by Channel 9 Melbourne boss Jeff Browne.

Browne had to break the news to Newman last week that he was to take a break from the show.

All the The Footy Show cast and crew were there, including hosts Garry Lyon and James Brayshaw.

Everyone had to declare what the show meant to them, and Confidential believes it got a little sentimental.

I'll bet it did, if by "sentimental" they mean... you're right, I'll get my coat.

Seriously, though, what do you think the Footy Show blokes said the show means to them? "Somewhere I can scratch my arse and engage in potentially homoerotic banter with my Best Friends without the hawklike glare of my woman *wipes nose on sleeve*"? Or something a little more refined?

Answers on a postcard!

No doubt the cro magnon men at the Footy Show continue to scratch their heads at the fallout from Sam "Gloria Steinem" Newman's stapling of a photo of Caroline Wilson's face to a lingerie-clad mannequin ("What? You mean women don't like this shit? That's un-Australian!").

After digging themselves ever deeper into the hole they'd started, the Footy clowns will no doubt be amazed to hear that ANZ has withdrawn their advertising from the show, with most media commentators taking that as a statement against being associated with Newman et al's boof-headed sexual politics.

The bank last night confirmed it had deliberately dissociated itself from one of Australia's highest rating sports shows.

In what is a largely symbolic demand, rather than a costly one for Channel Nine, the ANZ will continue its current commercial agreement with the network but has directed that its ads not be aired during the program.

"We are not currently running adverts on The Footy Show. It was a commercial decision, as The Footy Show in its current format does not allow us to connect well with the customer base," an ANZ spokeswoman told The Age.

What really amazed me through all this was Newman's confident ranting about women's lack of a place in AFL. You know, apart from all the nurses, managers, press agents, mums who cut up the oranges at VicKick games and drive the boys to footy at the arse crack of every Saturday morning, not to mention the women's League and all the girls playing VicKick and in high schools everywhere.

We told you yesterday about Sam Newman's latest "hilarious" stunt on The Footy Show.

Well, in news that will likely surprise no one but Sam "It Was Funny" Newman himself, the AFL's most senior female figures have contacted Channel Nine requesting that, at the very least, Newman receive counselling about appropriate behaviour towards women.

Signatory Dr Susan Alberti, a prominent businesswoman and Western Bulldogs board member, said his behaviour was out of line.

"It's just smutty and crass. He needs to be brought into line to respect women for the positions they hold in the community."

"You have to earn respect and he's not doing that. Women will get sick of it and turn off," she said.

"Women are being degraded on television and enough is enough."

Other signatories included AFL club board members Sally Capp (Collingwood), Beverly Knight (Essendon) and Peggy Haines (Richmond). Wilson described the stunt as degrading, humiliating and insulting.

Can you see what is wrong with this picture? Year after year, we keep being told about efforts to "educate" young footy players - and in this case, not so young footy players - about how best to treat women. You know, like, has she had a few drinks? Probably best not to rape her, then, son! Is she wearing a short skirt? It doesn't mean you can put your hand up it, toodle pip!

What sort of monster has the AFL created where such basic human decency no-brainers even need to be put on the curriculum?

We're inclined to think a better idea in this instance, at least, is to put Sam Newman in a cell and let Bev Knight play bad cop/bad cop with him and a rolling pin.

You know when you go to the Big Day Out (or equivalent), inevitably you'll find yourself a) accosted by tools wearing matching "hilarious" t-shirts, b) laugh at goths whose makeup is melting in the summer heat or c) lose count of the number of "totally hot" chicks wearing bathers as outerwear? And have you ever thought "Gee, wouldn't it be great to catalogue these poor souls in some sort of anthropological bible"?

Those thoughtful people over at News.com.au have - somewhat unwittingly - compiled a shortlist of 50 of the biggest festival tools of the '07/'08 season, starting with these ladies:

And featuring the witty caption:

Radiant ... these ladies describe themselves as The Wiggles on Speed."

If that's enough to whet your appetite then while away a lazy ten minutes or so of your lunch break by weeping for the future of our once fine nation.

Fifty compelling arguments for selective breeding can be found here.

You know, on the topic of humanity's slow and steady downfall, most people would point to things like overpopulation, recession, rising rates of arcane sexually-transmitted diseases, the brain drain, or maybe the fact that the Third World is still hungry and sick with illnesses that should've been magicked away years ago.

We here at Defamer Australia, however, believe the evidence will be found here:

Given the unstoppable rise of text language, it was only a matter of time before children's names went the way of traditional English.

Sure enough, text-style versions have begun to appear on birth certificates. Anne has been changed to An, Connor to Conna and Laura to Lora. Six boys were named Cam'ron instead of Cameron. According to the online parenting club Bounty, one girl born last month was named Flicity. And there are numerous young chaps named Samiul.

Last year, a couple were told they would not be allowed to register their son's name as 4Real.

Officials in New Zealand ruled that the use of a number made it inappropriate, so Pat and Sheena Wheaton had to opt for their second choice - Superman.

"Conna"? "An"? "FLICITY"?!

Please, if there is a God, could s/he start instigating some sort of anti-dickhead gene, so that as soon as a human being thinks, "You know what? These yellow sunglasses are the bomb shit, let's have a party!" or "Hey, girlfriend, could you have a close look at this broken wine glass for me?", they explode into a fine, bloody mist.

If not god, then Michael Bay. Which is near enough.

We've always thought Jules Lund to be a fine, upstanding young man.

There's just something about that slightly hysterical laughter, boys' room jokes and forced, cheesy smile (not to mention the tan) that just screams "Mr Smith, I have nothing but good intentions for your daughter - also, I bought your wife this kitten. Now, where are those ducklings that need to be nursed back to safety?"

Well, he's been given a talking-to from Austereo after telling - on-air - the hilarious story about how he spiked a groom-to-be's drink at a bucks' night.

What a champeen! Lundy, maaaate!

On Monday, the Getaway reporter told of his brother's weekend buck's turn in Melbourne, which involved dressing the groom-to-be in a tight Superman outfit before his drink was spiked with Viagra by a member of the party.

Listeners of national breakfast radio show Summer Fling then heard how a scantily dressed woman entertained the group and the buck apparently suffered from the Viagra effects.

Australian National Council on Drugs executive officer Gino Vumbaca warned the prank could have had disastrous consequences.

"No one wants to be the fun police, but the fact remains that Viagra and other pharmaceutical drugs can have very serious side effects and can interact with other drugs," he said.

You know what would have been really hilarious? If the groom had suddenly been overcome with the desire to bum Jules. Or if he'd had a heart attack! That would've been so funny, can't you just imagine Jules cracking up as he attempts to tell the bride-to-be that her husband died while dicking a stripper?

Jules Lund for media personality of the year!

In a move more cunning than a fox who has just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, renowned SNAG magazine Zoo Weekly is planning to silence its critics by launching a search to find Australia's sexiest feminist.

Magazine editor Paul Merrill said the new competition was the magazine's way of offering its critics an olive branch.

"We did get our fair share of complaints when we launched the search to win your girlfriend a boob job, so we thought the best way to handle this was to redress the balance by launching the Search for Australia's sexiest feminist," Merrill said.

"We're calling for feminists all over Australia to show that women can be sexy even if they disapprove of sexy women."

Hilariously, the prize is a photoshoot in the cum men's rag and - get this! - a year's supply of deodorant! ZING! They sure showed those stinky man-haters!

There's plenty we could say about all this, but instead we'll leave you with some of Zoo's previous thoughts regarding noted feminist, Germaine Greer (whose nude portrait, incidentally, they are using to hawk this contest):

GREER SHOULD SHUT THE F**K UP

It was bad enough that the Aussie ex-pat bagged our Aussie Steve just after he died, now she's sinking the boot into his manhood. Obviously Germaine has far to much time on her hands.

Steve was more blokey than an entire kaki wearing rugby team and could handle himself with crocodiles the size of minibuses, that's pretty manly in our eyes. Even though Germaine Greer looks like a man, Steve was at least three times the bloke she will ever be!

No further comment required, wouldn't you say?