daily mail

Today In Kerry Katona Breast Reduction News

1:00PM Clem Bastow | We’re a caring bunch here at Defamer Australia, so when I was perusing the British trash rags newspapers this morning, I knew you’d be dying to hear all about this particular bit of celebrity news: Kerry Katona is having her bazoongas reduced! Not only that, but she’s going to film the operation for her celebreality show. Yes, I know, I know – it should have been the first news item of the day but, you know, sometimes these major stories just trickle down slowly. Hell, it took me five months to find out that Kevin Rudd won the election! She says: ‘After four kids I need it. I’m a GG at the moment, and when I take my bra off my nipples are by my feet. I want to be a DD instead.’ More »

Keanu Chooses Not To Wear Trinny

3:25PM Clem Bastow | Sometimes the stories that the gossipmongers come up with are so hilariously ridiculous they end up existing in a sort of lyrical, absurd stratosphere well above the usual varieties of “Lindsay orders a drink” or “Jennifer Aniston is dating John Mayer” tattle. One such stroke of brilliance in showbiz page-quota-filling is this corker from the Daily Mail featuring everyone’s favourite bird-like What Not To Wear co-host, Trinny Woodall: She may be battling to save her marriage, but Trinny Woodall also seems preoccupied with establishing a close friendship with Hollywood actor Keanu Reeves. More »

Power To The Emos!

9:53AM Clem Bastow | You’ll recall a week or so ago we drew your attention to the frankly idiotic treatment the Daily Mail gave a story about the suicide death of a teenager who also happened to be a My Chemical Romance fan. Naturally the paper decided that MCR’s album about “The Black Parade” was all about the “nickname for the place where Emo fans believe they will go when they die.” Well, the fans have had it up to here with the media’s treatment of their favourite band – rightly so, really – and have decided to gang up and march to the Mail’s headquarters in protest. The march, to be held on May 31, will begin at Hyde Park’s West Pond and end outside the offices of The Daily Mail. More »

The Daily Mail’s Online Photo Editors Are Kicking Goals Again

10:07AM Clem Bastow | Yes, yes, I know there’s nothing particularly big nor clever about laughing when online newspapers cock up in the photo department, but today’s effort by the clowns at the “New Look!” Daily Mail are clearly so bewildered by said “New Look!” with all its Flash bells and whistles that they’ve let their job get the better of them. To wit, some of the highlights from the “Femail Today” sidebar on this (incidentally equally amusing) story: Yes, exactly how does Jennifer Aniston feel about John Mayer’s continued gobbling of the famous little blue diamonds? Is his body still a wonderland? Blue indeed – this is a new look for Portman and Scott Thomas, and don’t they look thrilled with it. Meanwhile, Eric Bana plays referee in the middle of the two, in case they start a bitch fight over turning up in the same dress. And finally, my favourite… Just look at them, pumping out their hits. Gay disco indeed – do these girls know how to party or what?! Incompetent staffers of one of the world’s worst newspapers, on this frosty morning in May: I salute you. More »

Your Understated Uk Tabloid Headline Of The Day

10:25AM Clem Bastow | It’s no secret to anyone – or at least, it shouldn’t be – that no one does ridiculous “human interest” stories like the UK papers do. From stories of electrocution and alien abduction to classics of the “Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster” ilk, nobody does it better. So, I was pleased this morning while doing my daily Winegums/etc trawl to come across this subtle little pull on the front page of the Daily Mail: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, RUN FOR THE HILLS! Seriously, is this news to them? Anyone who knows anyone who farms sheep will tell you that ravens and crows aren’t the nicest birds to have around when the ewes are lambing, still, we commend the Mail on their calm and measured journalism. Hands up who reckons that the granddaddy of the Daily Mail heard Orson Welles’ The War Of The Worlds broadcast and thought, “Now that’s what I call journalism!” before rushing to the presses to get started? More »

Daily Mail Puzzled By Vladimir Putin’s Pantsman Tendencies

9:30AM Clem Bastow | Defamer Australia and Russian President Vladimir Putin go way back, so we were delighted to see that he’s in the news again – evidently this time for schtupping some hot, young rhythmic gymnast. Apparently Putin has split from his wife and excitedly plans to shack up with the pretty 24-year-old post haste. It seems the Daily Mail were excited, too: We love it. We love the expanded version from the story itself even more: So, Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, what do you see in a 24-year-old, sensationally beautiful gymnast with a penchant for posing semi-naked that you don’t see in your lovely, middle-aged, matronly wife Ludmilla? We’re not sure what they mean by emphasising her gymnastic tendencies, unless it’s that rather sad blokey thing of discussing new babes’ yoga/ballet/gymnastic skills as though they will likely lead to bedroom prowess. The reality is, yoga/ballet/gymnastic skills are probably less likely to equal “cracker in the sack” than they are “slightly highly strung, a bit too skinny to cuddle and probably obsessed with stinky weight-loss herbal teas”. More »

Kerry Katona’s Little Bundle Of Joy

12:30PM Clem Bastow | We know it’s neither big nor clever to laugh at babies, but when we saw this little blurb and pic linking to the news of Kerry Katona’s new bub, we had to stifle more than a few laffs: “Already bearing some resemblance to his mother”? Is it just us, or is The Daily Mail being a bit cheeky? It is, shall we say, not the loveliest bit of footage of a newborn we’ve ever seen – and, oh, wouldn’t you know it, it was all caught on camera for Kerry’s fly-on-the-wall MTV series. Happy days! More »

Today In The Daily Mail’s Enduring Love And Support Of Womenkind

8:43AM Clem Bastow | You know how sometimes you go out on the weekend and see a pool of spew on a street corner, and then all of a sudden, having realised its existence, you start seeing vomit splats everywhere? We feel something vaguely similar about the Daily Mail and their treatment of female celebrities. Last week we noted their apparent shock that Celine Dion couldn’t be bothered waxing her thighs; today, we have these two clangers: We scoured the article for any quotes utilising the term “elephant legs”, but it was not to be. Thus, the Mail is apparently speaking for itself when it uses the term “elephant legs”. One more time: “elephant legs”. Charming, isn’t it? Next: Yeah, shut up, you ugly hag, go and hug your money! The Mail fail to see the irony in the juxtaposition of their continued “OMG hairy/fat/lesbian/other” campaigns and quoting SJP, no doubt in some misguided sense of sympathy, “Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It’s kind of shocking when men… It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.” Any bets the men (and, sadly, probably the women) of the Mail staff have pinboards and dartboards at home covered by the photos of women who scorned them in, like, Grade Four? More »