3:38PM Jess McGuire | The ongoing drama surrounding
Jodie Foster’s split with longtime lover Cydney Bernard has the tabloids thoroughly devastated. They only recently got confirmation the two were a proper Sapphic item – and now their blessed union has been torn asunder? Tragedy!
The Daily Mail has published
a lengthy piece titled “They were Hollywood’s gay golden couple, so why has Jodie Foster left her lover of 15 years?”, with journalist Alison Boshoff attempting to get to the bottom of the shocking turn of events which led Oscar winning actress Jodie Foster straight into the arms of spunky thirty-something writer Cynthia Mort.
The opening paragraph made me laugh a little, I must admit.
As the news spread, the words “mid-life crisis” were heard being whispered over expensively whipped hot drinks and wholemeal muffins in fashionable coffee shops across Hollywood; it certainly left the entire lesbian community of Los Angeles thoroughly agog.
What have we learned from the above?
The entire “lesbian community” -
a) gives a shit about Jodie Foster’s love life (perhaps, much like how women who live together often find their monthly visit from the painters becoming synchronised, members of Club Muff – your card and badge comes with your first copy of Ani DiFranco’s
Living In Clip record, I believe – eventually become emotionally entwined with all other local lesbians, meaning that even one break up in the tribe devastates every lady-lover within a 200km radius)
b) will only sup on “expensively whipped hot drinks” and nibble on “wholemeal muffins”. Why not mention the Birkenstocks they’re all wearing, Alison? Are they playing with their crewcuts? Flicking through Riot Grrl Monthly in a feeble attempt to distract themselves from the devastating soul-blow the Foster/Bernard break up has caused them?
Also -
And while Jodie’s old love Cydney was a slightly frumpy older woman, a weather-beaten blonde who had been content to ditch her career for the past 11 years to devote herself to Jodie and their boys, in her new lover Jodie has chosen a media- savvy powerhouse.
Her youthful Mediterranean looks (strong brows, dark hair as shiny as a conker) are the precise opposite of Cydney’s wholesomeness.
I think the last time I read something along the lines of “dark hair as shiny as a conker”, it was in Black Beauty, and someone was describing a horse for sale.
Bravo, Daily Mail! A billion points! I MOCK YOU BUT I WILL NEVER STOP READING YOU, YOU TRASHY SHAMELESS BEASTS! HIRE ME! I WILL MOVE TO LONDON!
*Well, you know… amongst other things. Ahem. I’ll get my coat.
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