Now that a rehabbed Colin Farrell is sober and on the mend (and has put on some pounds since his "homeless dude outside Trader Joe's" days), it's time for him to pull a Britney and wonder aloud, "What the hell was I thinking?" Naturally, any investigation of his substance-aided antics would inevitably turn to the sex tape he made with Playmate Nicole Narain, and during a recent BBC appearance, Farrell attempted to explain away the indiscretion the best way he knew how.

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The most important, non-hamster-related casting news of the summer trickled into Defamer's inbox today, with the modestly subject-lined "MOTHER OF ALL PRESS RELEASES" issuing a heads-up for anyone interested in auditioning for author Dessarae Bradford's adaptation of her book, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy.

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Newly homeless thin Colin Farrell has reportedly been keeping his new girlfriend hidden from the press for six whole months, and now that she's been outed by the British tabs, we understand why. No, not because she lacks "stereotypical movie star" looks as the Daily Mail readily informs us, nor because she can't remember to rip those silly plastic party bracelets off after downing free booze. It seems his "true love" is a little bit famous herself, in a Bridget Jones sort of way. Author Emma Forrest is the author of two novels, which in itself is not exactly shameful, but the titles (Namedropper and Cherries In The Snow: A Novel Of Love, Lust, Loss And Lipstick), along with her history of wearing "DITCH HIM!" message tees and telling reporters that interviewing Brad Pitt was the "best thing" she's ever done, are! More on the girl responsible for greying Colin's hair and sobering him up, after the jump.

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Loose-lipped Jack Black has recently decided to abandon his pre-married man habits like staying up too late with "beer" and "dudes," but by far the most impressive habit Black claims to have kicked is smoking. Though we don't really immediately picture a carton of cigarettes when thinking of the Brangelina baby blabber, there are more than a few stars who we see smoking so often we automatically reach for a cancer stick whenever we see them on-screen. So who are the smokiest chimneys in Hollywood these days? We put together a list of the newbies and their predecessors, all of whom we feel should be notified that Joshua Kelley, no matter what Heigl has told them, is not, in fact, an ashtray:

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There are certain ways to tell that you've spent too much time in hipster-ridden Silver Lake: like, say, when the audience gasps at Emile Hirsch's dramatic weight loss at the end of Into the Wild, and all you can think is, "Hot. He'd fit right in at Spaceland." Through this admittedly skewed lens, a Silver Laker might look upon these new photos of a slimmed-down, tatted-up Colin Farrell with a steady chant of, "One of us. One of us." But what do our friends across the pond think? The Daily Mail, unsurprisingly, approves:

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In the latest attempt by a Hollywood superstar to Oscar grub by radically transforming their physical appearance, former hard-body Colin Farrell is rapidly downsizing for his upcoming part as a war photographer in Triage. And while Farrell could use some credibility in the acting department following his recent string of flops, hacking off all these pounds doesn't look like the healthiest way to do it. But admittedly, dieting your way towards industry approval has been a Hollywood go-to trick for quite a while. We took a look back at some of his peers' most drastic weight losses, and as scary as the morphing process made them look, each part did bolster their respective careers dramatically:

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The only war with a box office record worse than the Iraq conflict is the one that decimated the Balkans in the '90s; the recent Richard Gere/Terrence Howard satire The Hunting Party flailed briefly in theatres on its way to DVD, with only the Owen Wilson/Gene Hackman actioner Behind Enemy Lines barely breaking even back in 2001. Colin Farrell, no bankable factor himself, is reportedly the next Hollywood name to take on the genre — and in case you had any doubt, he takes his role in the upcoming drama Triage very, very seriously:

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Take this with a grain of salt, but AICN is reporting that Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus director Terry Gilliam has cast Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law to film the remaining scenes that Heath Ledger was to have played. If word from Harry Knowles' camp ends up being true, it'll be quite a score for both the project and the notorious bad-luck magnet Gilliam. While it remains to be seen how Heath Ledger's scenes will be integrated into the final product, we can all agree that this casting news is a definite improvement over Christopher Plummer's vision of using "stills and something I think they call CGI" to save the flick. [AICN]

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Because we like to leave you to your weekend with uplifting stories of celebrity good deeds, we now bring you this story about roguish leading man and sex tape veteran Colin Farrell - whom, despite reports of being a dark twisted puppy, came off more of like a warm friendly one when he took a Toronto homeless man (apparently they have them!) on a shopping spree he wouldn't soon forget:

Stress, whose actual first name is Dave, was taken Tuesday afternoon in Farrell's car to Europe Bound on Front St. E., where Farrell reportedly spent over $2,000 after encouraging Stress to get whatever he wants. Stress proceeded to fill up on a $500 jacket, some boots, pants, and socks.

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If you, like us, have at times found yourself wondering what ever happened to Dessarae Bradford, author of I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass (a Quality Paperback Bookclub Selection of the Month™!), guerrilla ambusher of Tonight Show appearances, and, with the recent publication of Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy, quickly becoming one of the most prolific celebrity-stalking fruitcake authoresses in recent history - well, then, this is your lucky day. A press release has landed in our inbox from Dessarae herself, updating us to the various exciting projects in development at her production company, based out of an air conditioning exhaust vent behind the 99¢ Only store at Wilshire and Fairfax. A mere taste:

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