It's a little late, but the Jewish media titans controlling Defamer US don't exactly know when the pagan holiday commemorating the birth of your false prophet falls on your calendar; what you call "Christmas", occuring on December 25th, is just regular ol' Tevet 16th, 5768 to us. Having said that, here's a video montage of Britney Spears set to one of her own Christmas songs, as compiled by Defamer's own Image Party Picasso, Molly McAleer.

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We're sure more than a few of you apartment- and tract-housing dwellers without the luxury of a real fireplace have turned to the crackling comforts of the televised Yule Log over the years to give your Christmas mornings some added ambiance.

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"The driver -- 6-foot-4 and 280 pounds -- was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving [on Sunday evening], in this case a misdemeanor, police said. In addition to a red Santa hat, he wore a blond wig, red lace camisole, purple G-string, black leg warmers and black shoes. 'We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus,' Deputy Chief Ken Garner said." [LAist]

In one of those hilarious "serious" articles commissioned to leaven the merriment of Christmas, the Sun today reports on a survey conducted by UK academics to decide upon the worst ever Christmas cracker jokes.

You know, the little rolled up pieces of coloured paper that usually fall out and end up in your roast dinner or egg-nog.

Why they thought they needed university muscle to do this, we don't know, but the results are typically hilarious (for all the wrong reasons), with "What is Santa Claus' favourite pizza? Deep pan, crisp and even" decided upon as the all-time stinker.

Andrew Linn, Professor of Linguistics at the University of Sheffield, deconstructed the top-placed gag.

“The essence of a fine joke is clever and original use of language, often exploiting some sort of ambiguity. This joke has been voted the worst Christmas cracker joke because it is almost too clever,” Prof Linn said.

“It uses ambiguity in how the words are put together (’deep pan’ ’deep and’) as well as contextual ambiguity (pizzas and a Christmas carol). In short, once you get it, it’s a real groaner.”

Mummy, our heads hurt!

Read on for the top ten Christmas clangers - ho, ho, ho!

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Heartening news today that people have had jack of political correctness, after the BBC committed something tantamount to treason when they decided to bleep out the words "faggot" and "slut" from beloved seasonal favourite The Fairytale Of New York, by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl.

The Beeb emerged from the ensuing fracas with their tail firmly between their collective legs and a sorry look on all their faces.

The BBC had said the full lyrics might be unsuitable for children hearing it on the morning school run in their parents' car.

But MacColl's mother Jean lashed out at the decision. "I think it's pathetic, I really do. It's absolute nonsense. Really, this is too ridiculous," she told BBC Radio 5 Live.

"As a parent, whatever age your child is, you have to guide them. You would say, 'well, some people talk like this'," said Ms MacColl, whose daughter died in a boating accident in Mexico in December 2000.

After relenting later in the day, Mr Parfitt explained that it was because the BBC believed there was no malicious intent in the words.

"While we would never condone prejudice of any kind, we know our audiences are smart enough to distinguish between maliciousness and creative freedom," he said. "In the context of this song, I do not feel that there is any negative intent behind the use of the words, hence the reversal of the decision."

Hop on over the jump with a glass of eggnog or eight and enjoy a rollicking rendition of Fairytale to celebrate the triumph of good music over tedious moral guardianship.

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Preferring to keep to herself the naughty Yuletide tales of how a couple of glasses of brandy-infused apple cider and a tantalising proximity to some dangling mistletoe release her Rent-A-Santa-craving, hot-flashing office party freak, The View's Barbara Walters decided to celebrate the season by sharing with America the Christmas cards her famous friends have recently sent her. Thankfully, the segment veered away from the erotically charged one of yesterday, though there was a fleeting moment when we feared that Walters, stroking the suede-and-lace accented greeting from a certain fading megastar with a little too much relish, might succumb to the same kind of baffling Cruiselust that once wreaked havoc on former couchmate Rosie O'Donnell's sexual identity.

• The View [ABC.com]

A little pre-Christmas cheer from everyone's favourite petri dish experiment on mould "human being" troubled knob muso, Pete Doherty, who is apparently planning to stave off the booze/horse pangs this Christmas by gorging on his favourite holiday treat.

Like you, we'll believe it when we see it.

Potty Pete, 28, amazed fans by rejecting offers of booze before he joined his pals on stage at the Tap ’n Tin pub in Chatham, Kent.

The Babyshambles singer said: “It’s going to be mince pies for me this Christmas. I’ve got a massive order on the way.”

As we hunker down for the bleakest™ Hollywood holidays ever, a steady fall of finely shredded scripts lightly dusting the ground, we take a moment to give thanks for what we do have: YouTube of Christmas carols with strike-apropos lyrics, sung by major stars like Justine Bateman and a bunch of actors from that superhero show that was really good first season, then got bad, then just started getting good again when it abruptly went dark.While their toe-tapping take on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" was an indisputable hit with onlookers, nothing compared to the moment a solemn Kevin Arnold donned a white robe and angel wings, mounted a barricade made of discarded picket-signs, and belted to the tune of "O Holy Night," "No more we write/Nick Counter is a Wiener!" in his stirring, pitch-perfect mezzo-soprano.

• Studios Can't Kick Us Around! [YouTube]

Well done the Spice Girls, whose reunion tour is off to a rip-roaring start, as we always suspected it would be.

The girls are looking a treat in their Roberto Cavalli ensembles and the reviews have been grand so far (although we're not sure what to make of the dream we had last night where Posh had to pull out of five shows with tonsilitis - LET'S HOPE IT'S NOT PROPHETIC).

However what's really taken our fancy in these Spicy days is this hilariously stilted commercial the ladies have filmed for UK supermarket chain Tescos. To say that the race for this year's Best Actress Oscar just became particularly crowded would be an understatement.

We love it!

Special points must go, however, to Victoria for taking the piss out of herself while assessing the difference in calorie counts between a normal and a "fun-sized" Christmas pudding.

Looking for the perfect holiday gift for the foetus who has everything? As you roam the Beverly Center in search of Christmas deals today, make sure to drop by the Baby's First Cellphone kiosk just outside the Sony Style Store, where you can choose from a variety of miniaturised BlackBerry and Treo models featuring keyboards tiny enough to be furiously tapped by even the most delicate of second-trimester thumbs. (Sorry, folks, no iPhones, as Steve Jobs decided that amniotic fluid would smudge its touch screen, ruining its cutting-edge aesthetics.) Help that future agent growing in your trophy wife's belly get a head start on his show business career!

• Call for Proposals: Designing for Next Nature [Next Nature via BoingBoing]