Since Channel Seven have been portentously telling us about their post-Olympics premieres with the hilariously epic "AFTER THE OLYMPICS" promos for all their new material, it's doubtful that there's a single person in the country who doesn't realise that every network has been waiting for today (or, in Ten's case, last night) to start pummelling you with new shows and ratings-grabbing programming decisions. Got your TV guide and a highlighter ready? Good, here's the word from the network heads:

Seven will lead the launch with nine new or fresh series starting this week, with Nine and Ten staggering their news shows over several weeks.

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It was bound to happen: tired of pumping out ads with a not-so-subtle "just wait until after the Olympics because we're not going to waste our A game while you're watching the Greco-Roman Wrestling heats" subtext, Channel Seven's rivals (which for the most part means Channel Nine, as ABC are too busy being seriose cats and Channel Ten are off packing bowls and hanging ten, or something equally hip and youthful) have started coughing up the mad bucks to get gold medalists on their shows - and, naturally, Seven is pissed.

"This is unprecedented, the level of desperation, the underhandedness and ugliness that went on," a source said.

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What better way for Channel Nine to pay homage to the memory of its now departed former owner Kerry Packer than to finally show in full the television program which so angered him 16 years ago, he infamously rang up management during the broadcast and had it yanked off the air.

That's right, folks - Channel Nine have decided to take Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos out of the storeroom of shame, give it a good dusting off, and offer it up to the people of this fine country once more, secure in the knowledge that no one at Channel Nine management seems to give a shit about quality control when it comes to what the station's pumping out at the moment, so there's no chance of some disgruntled executive having a hissy fit and ruining everyone's fun before the closing credits. Huzzah!

Kerry Packer didn't want you see a naked man falling out of a shower or a 70-year-old woman using her dentures to retrieve a birthday message from the underpants of a male stripper. Not to mention a guide to making home porn. But the nation will be treated to these bawdy scenes - and more - when channel 9 airs Doug Mulray's Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos in full for the first time.

And personally, I could not be happier to hear this news as I will at last be able to watch the notorious program I missed out on when I was eleven years old (because my mum wouldn't let me view it, not because of anything Packer related - although that grumpy old bastard was certainly powerful enough at the time to have threatened her into attempting to shield my innocent eyes).

I mean, how could you not be excited by the idea of the show when some of the highlights include...

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It's a new media frenzy over at Channel Nine, where - like everyone else including Sonia Kruger - they are breathlessly awaiting the end of the Olympics so they can play their latest ace. No, not Hole In The Wall - their newest bright hope is Scorched, which is so much more than just a 90-minute telemovie. It is also a completely confusing web presence, a number of fake news services, and some not-very-convincing acted-by-actors YouTube tomfoolery! Yes, Nine are stepping into the 21st century:

"What we've created is an integrated story that runs across all the platforms," director and producer Marcus Gillezeau said.

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Yeah, I know: that title sounds a bit far-fetched, sort of like saying "Collingwood will win the flag this year" or "Cheeseburger with 0g of fat invented". But it's true - in a round-about way, while musing about life and work during an appearance at a football club's luncheon in Perth (for which he was no doubt paid with sacks of used bank notes and gold bullion, because the world is fair like that), Sam Newman has suggested his role on The Footy Show may not be long for this world. Hallelujah glory be, sting like a butterfly, float like a bee!

"Everyone of these (appearances) could be the last time I appear in public because one day the station...will say: 'Now mate, this is enough, we've had enough of this, you've got to wind it up'. And that will be it. That's life.

"I'm just filling in time until I'll be sacked...which won't take long.''

Remember Jules Lund's effusive praise for Hole In The Wall ("It's absurd, it's silly, it's mindless, therefore I'm perfect to host it")? The idea of watching people leaping through person-shaped cut-outs in moving walls (you know, like that idiotic tampon commercial with the big molecular things floating in the street and the girls doing kung fu because they got their periods) doesn't exactly sound like a ratings winner, but that looks to be exactly what it is:

Nine's half-hour sneak peek of the happily and proudly ridiculous Hole In The Wall, hosted by Jules Lund, scored a healthy 1.55 million national viewers on Wednesday night.

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In a development that induces horrible flashbacks to Kath & Kim being plucked from the ABC by Seven's flying monkeys, the commercial network sharks have started circling the blokes from The Chaser, evidently seeing a cash cow in the political satire show. Whether or not the boys actually take the offer is another question, considering Chas Licciardello's, er, unusual bargaining requests:

"At the moment the commercial networks aren't offering us the right carrots," Licciardello told AAP.

"We've been offered money, we've been offered better conditions but I'm yet to be offered an affair with Kerri-Anne Kennerley," Licciardello joked.

"When they start offering the real stuff then we'll start thinking of going but until then they're just not trying."

Oh noes! One of Channel Nine's biggest names, news and current affairs guru Mike Munro, has boned himself! The handsome devil, who has appeared on 60 Minutes, A Current Affair, This Is Your Life, and Missing Persons Unit amongst other programs, informed CEO David Gyngell of his intentions yesterday afternoon.

Munro exclusively told The Daily Telegraph that he was taking early retirement after seeing out five tumultuous years at the former number one network.

"I'm feeling pretty good right now," said the now weekend newsreader and host of This Is Your Life and Missing Persons Unit.

"I leave the place on a day to day level, but that's tempered by the fact I love Channel 9 as much as David Gyngell does. It has been been a really hard slog for the past five years, but the network is now in a fantastic position and morale is up."

Morale is up, post-Sunday/Nightline axing and talk of adopting the beleaguered Big Brother program? For shame, Mike. Don't be telling us fibs.

Jesus wept. Channel Nine are making a local version of Ladette To Lady, and they're looking for potential makeover candidates. Do you fit the criteria, vagina owning Defamer Australia readers?

Are you a woman with a loud mouth? A foul-mouth?
Can you drink any bloke under the table?
Are you more interested in footy than fashion?
Are you a domestic disaster?
Consider yourself a party animal?

YES! YES! THAT'S ME! WHY? DO YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE A 'CATCH'?

If this sounds like you, then you might be a "ladette" - a foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured young woman who needs a crash course in etiquette and manners.

Oh my god. That's so depressing.

If you're a filthy beer-swilling lass with the mouth of a trucker, I guess I'll be seeing you at Eggleston Hall Finishing School later in the year.

Apply here, fellow revolting women.

Could it be that after years of acting like complete twonks, The Footy Show are starting to feel the effects of their knobbishness where it hurts - in the ratings?

Evidently viewers are deserting the show, particularly in Sydney, where dismal ratings are adding to Nine's already especially dire annus horribilis. Can anyone say "suck on it"?

The unexpected decline has been concentrated in the past three weeks, with the show struggling to top ABC1's political debate program Q&A - and being beaten by it in key periods.

While producers are at a loss to explain the sudden desertion, the show's founding executive producer believes the similar opinions of panel members Paul Vautin, Matthew Johns, Paul Harragon and Laurie Daley was turning the show "a little beige".

"They're very careful what they say about players and I understand why, but I don't think that necessarily helps out television," Gary Burns - now Nine's Event TV executive producer - said.

[...]

The Footy Show's Sydney audience fell to 186,000 viewers after Origin game three, a record low beaten last week when the audience plummeted to 166,000.

That's down from an average 271,000 viewers in March.

So, er, in that case, top work, Tony Jones!