celebreality
The Veronicas To Join The Celebreality Machine
10:30AM Clem Bastow | Now that the whole “Veronicas porn storm” has cleared and moved towards northern New South Wales, bringing with it some light showers easing to an afternoon sea breeze (sorry), the twins are back on the work horse and look set to sign away their private time in exchange for the sweet, sweet exposure (read: horrible, horrible intrusion) of their own reality television series, which would detail their time in the US pop market.
“We’re looking into doing a reality show on a big network,” pop twin Jess Origliasso told music writer Cameron Adams from Los Angeles yesterday.
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Today In Kerry Katona Breast Reduction News
1:00PM Clem Bastow | We’re a caring bunch here at Defamer Australia, so when I was perusing the British trash rags newspapers this morning, I knew you’d be dying to hear all about this particular bit of celebrity news: Kerry Katona is having her bazoongas reduced! Not only that, but she’s going to film the operation for her celebreality show. Yes, I know, I know – it should have been the first news item of the day but, you know, sometimes these major stories just trickle down slowly. Hell, it took me five months to find out that Kevin Rudd won the election!
She says: ‘After four kids I need it. I’m a GG at the moment, and when I take my bra off my nipples are by my feet. I want to be a DD instead.’
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Bret Michaels Set To Gift Third ‘Rock Of Love’ Soulmate With Future In MySpace Famewhoredom
10:25AM Molly Friedman | Sometimes we don’t know whether to thank VH1 for trying to “find true love” for washed up musicians or to strangle them for forcing us through yet another round of Bret Michaels: Rock Of Love (working title: Rock Of Love: Really, I’ll Do Anyone At This Point). Yes, that sad series partially responsible for rendering all glass ceilings unbreakable is back and, this time, well, no, he’s probably still not serious. Why so cynical? Well, his last “winner,” 99-year old Chicago anchor chick Ambre Lake, lasted just under a day. But she did get the chance to really pimp her MySpace profile with dirty pics, exclamation mark-happy updates on Bret’s CW appearances (!!!), and a heartfelt blog entry promising the “3rd time will be a charm!!!” Yes, spelling-challenged Ambre, we bet it will. You know, because this time, all the barely clothed contestants will be forced to live in…wait for it…the same tightly confined tour bus! If you don’t smell love in the air, you’ve been dipping in to too many of these “ladies”‘ stashes: More »Is “Will Tara Reid Save Dancing With The Stars” A Rhetorical Question?
11:01AM Clem Bastow | It’s probably safe to say that when your celebreality franchise is on the blink and the person you look to as your ratings saviour is Tara Reid, to borrow a phrase from Tilda Swinton’s Angel Gabriel in Constantine, you’re fucked.
Because that seems to be precisely what Dancing With The Stars is looking into, now that Daryl Somers has drifted off, chasing the great microphone in the sky, and the series is not feeling as fresh or edgy as it once did, mainly because, well, they’re running out of “stars” to dance with.
Hoping to amp up interest in the tried and tested formula, production company Freehand are keen to snare an international name to compete on the show after taking over producing rights from Granada.
But following rejections from sizzling UK chef Gordon Ramsay and US style guru Carson Kressley, the calibre of potential celebrity contestants is dropping faster than former host Daryl Somers’s overnight exit from the show last year.
Freehand has been sounding out managers ahead of compiling a list of stars interested in dancing, with desperate C-lister Tara Reid the latest name to be asked to slip into the sequins.
More body-for-hire than on fire, the surgically enhanced blonde accepted as little as $3500 to turn up to parties while visiting Australia to host the tastefully named Hookers costume ball earlier this year.
Ooh, only $3500 to turn up to a crap party! What a cheap whore! Seriously, if someone offered me $50 to come to the Hookers & Deviants Ball, or even $15 to stand outside my local 711, I’d probably take it.
I’m aware that Tara Reid is not the best example to use here, but surely the measure of talent and/or personal value in instances like this is something other than whatever celebrities get paid to appear at things? Or are we all just commodities these days?
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!! More » 
Eden Gaha’s Deep Thoughts On Reality Television
9:40AM Clem Bastow | Remember Eden Gaha? The host of Vidiot? The occasional musical theatre performer and sometime Home & Away pin-up from the ’90s?
He’s been in the States for some time now, and has had considerable success as a producer of reality television, working with Mark Burnett and others, and is currently producing a second series of Celebrity Apprentice.
All standard industry, back-slapping the successful expat stuff, but we did find his comments regarding local versions of US reality franchises quite telling (in light of So You Think You Can Dance Australia ending up a pale imitation of the OG version):
Locally made reality television shows have been met with mixed success in Australia, with audiences tending to favour reality programs produced in the US.
While Gaha agrees shows such as So You Think You Can Dance have been successfully adapted for Australian audiences, he says the American character tends to lend itself more easily to some reality formats.
“Some of the shows and some of the formats mean more in the United States so they mean more to American contestants and they play out better on TV, so that’s possibly why those shows have done better with American casts.”
We’re inclined to agree. Naturally there are loads of dancers in Australia, and lots of working ones, too, but there’s something about the American dream, not to mention opportunities like dance revues in Las Vegas and LA, that makes SYTYCD – the proper version – so compelling.
American Series Two winner Benji ended up in an Xtina video, ferchrissakes! With the Australian version it’s all a bit, “So what? Even if I win I’ll still have to wait tables/teach toddlers jazz ballet/be on the Dole.” More »
Chipshop Tires Of Smoking, Drinking While Pregnant, Goes To Rehab
10:40AM Clem Bastow | Well! We were going to tell you about Kerry Katona laughably needing to get hypnotherapy to quit smoking (she’s pregnant, but evidently the thought that her bub might come out deformed or ill wasn’t enough of an incentive to give up the cancer sticks), but she’s gone and one-upped herself.
Kerry Katona has entered The Priory!
The Priory, for those who don’t know, is essentially the UK’s Betty Ford or Promises, and finds a lot of its more famous patients in attendance for “emotional exhaustion”. However, in Chipshop’s case, that seems to be spot on:
The pregnant mother-of-three fell to pieces after learning about her husband’s alleged affair with a barmaid and more reports of her doing drugs.
Currently being treated in the Priory, Kerry is said to be “severely emotional and depressed” which has forced MTV to temporarily halt filming at the stars home.
Poor Kerry. As much as she’s fun to point and laugh at, and as much as she can be a complete and utter nong (smoking/drinking/drugging while pregnant, marrying Brian McFadden, leaving Atomic Kitten), we get the feeling that underneath it all she’s just an uncomplicated lass from the wrong end of town who somehow got “lucky”.
We trust she’ll be back and entertaining us all soon! More »
Kerry Katona’s Reality Series Obviously In Frontrunner To Take Out Newly-Minted Pulitzer Prize For Television
1:29PM Clem Bastow | We’ve complained in the past about how much we envy the Brits their trashtastic celebreality programming, but we think they may have come up with the ultimate blow to any other country’s aspirations in the same genre, by allowing Former Celebrity Mum of The Year Kerry “My Drug Hell”/”My Pregnancy Scare”/”My Back Room Needs Renovating So Make The Cheque Out To Cash Thanks” Katona in front of a camera with her new series, Crazy In Love, which is designed to show the public how loving her marriage with Mark Croft is – but like so many who have gone before her (Jessica, Britney, Anna Nicole, Flavor Flav), it hasn’t turned out exactly as sympathetically as she might have hoped.
The picture we’ve chosen to illustrate this piece is from the show, a scene where Kerry strips down – pregnant – to do a “sexy” photo shoot. And there are many more unbelievable screen caps here, just begging to be LOLKERRY’d.
The couple allowed TV crews into their lives to film MTV documentary Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love to prove that despite rumours of a troubled relationship, their marriage is stronger than ever.
But their plan may have backfired, with the pair spending much of last night’s debut program telling one another to “shut your face” and “shut your trap.”
Making a splash: the pair regularly told one another to ’shut your face’ during last night’s show
Leaving charm at the door, Mark was also filmed saying: “She’s like a bad fart, she lingers but she does go away.
“I’m romantic, I often just say to her spontaneously lets go out and get a meal. Kerry’s never took me out for a meal, she doesn’t appreciate the things I do for her.
“I show my affection and love for you and you just show me hatred.”
It goes without saying, naturally, that if any UK-based Defamer Australia pals feel like whacking a tape in for this one and sending it over post haste, we will be forever thankful.
Judging by the comments on that story, we think the British public liked it, too: “Poor, poor unborn baby. With a selfish, vain, odious creature like Kerry Katona for a mother and a scruffy, common, ugly wimp for a father the poor bairn doesn’t stand a chance. Why on earth would a couple like that even contemplate bringing a child into their world. They need to grow up themselves first.”
Winner! More » 
Why Can’t Australian Reality Television Be This Amazing?
12:22PM Clem Bastow | Really, when it comes to reality/celebreality television, the Brits have it sewn up. Sure, America gave us Kid Town and So You Think You Can Dance, but our UK pals know just how to push the formula that little bit further.
Not only that, but we’re pretty sure the latest thing they’ve cooked up makes I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! look like the test pattern.
To wit, Channel 4’s Celebrity Wife Swap:
Comedian Freddie Starr loses a wife and gains lesbian former Page 3 pin-up Samantha Fox in Channel 4’s reality show Wife Swap.
The veteran comic is taking part in the celebrity version of the show, which typically sees partners swap their wives or husbands with another participating couple.
And in this version, Starr welcomes the 80s model and singer into his home as she swaps places with his wife Donna, who goes to live with Sam’s gay lover and manager Myra Stratton.
You may remember Freddie from the greatest tabloid headline of all time, while Sam is the performer of the safe sex masterpiece (Hurt Me! Hurt Me!) But The Pants Stay On.
In any case, this is sheer genius and we can’t wait to see it. More » 
